Saturday, December 27, 2008

Well it was not so bad ... but wont be doing it again!


The anticipated blow up never happened. It nearly did, surprisingly on Xmas eve when my harridan mother commiserated with Mr Vix for having such a wayward wife - the waywardness was accepting a place on a course in London in the new year ... What?!!?

In fact she has no idea of the true Vixenlike behaviour that I get up to! Such a respectable exterior and such fabulous, finger-licking fun in reality.

I felt drained and worn out when they finally all left. Its horrid going back to an adapted place in order to keep the peace.

In fact I felt so drained I vowed to do something totally different the following day.

Wait for it ... I went to the Boxing day sales.

I have roundly rubbished the sales for many a year, scorning the consumerism, sneering at the commercialisation however I was so desperate to do something non traditional (for me) that I raced in there. It was great! No crowds - some wonderful bargains and a brand new start for my 'new me'wardrobe.

I have the book - Look ten years younger - Nicky Hamilton-Jones. Its a must! I have been told off on every page for letting myself go, being slovenly and bemoaning not being the true sparkly me while working my way through 3 bags of chips!

Enough of the excuses!

This year I get slim, I revamp my image and I stop clinging on to a view I had of myself 25 years ago.

I started today with THE WARDROBE CULL!!!

It was scary - very scary but I did it. Two bin liners full of hardly worn clothes are off to the charity shop. I now know what I have, I am realistic and inspired to show off my curves. Best way of doing that is to lose the stodge around my waist and hips. Plus, its important to look fabulous now and not feel guilty every time I open my cupboards and see a size 12 from yesteryear.

A year ago my focus was on friends and social life. Last year it was career. This year its my body! I achieved the other two and as I don't do failure anymore I am looking forward succeeding with this one.

Its something I just have to do!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas needs to be a Script free zone!


I realised as I went about my chores yesterday that Christmas was turning into the same old depressing ritual.

I love my life - its full of love, friends, excitement and achievement - but yesterday was crap and getting crapper.

There was I ironing for England with the dusting, cleaning and various housework tasks to do. Not at all Christmasy. I was feeling like a regular Bob Cratchett. How come its so horrid every year? How come I cant seem to capture the magic? Reading Boo's Blog helped in the realisation that I was doing something that really was not me.

As I lay in bed last night it occured to me. I am suprised the intensity of the illumination did not light up the entire street - rather like Rudolph.

I am doing my Mom and Dad's script.

For as long as I can remember they clean the house from top to bottom ready for Christmas. I am simply following an introjected "how to" from my crusty old parents who would not be allowed to have a good time if it fell in their laps and wriggled about a bit.

So I decided. No more fag butt tidy up script for me! No more chores! Embrace the dust, celebrate the beauty of the clutter and admire the natural mandala of the bits on the carpet. Sod them. I am having a holiday!

Suprise! Suprise! I am like a tinsel covered Christmas fairy today. Its been great. I have pampered myself all day - bath, face pack, painted nails - relaxed! Cant wait to pack the sacks tonight - going to watch old Patrick Stewart strutting his stuff as Scrooge over a plate of fish and chips (no cooking either)and I am about to crack open a 4 pack of snowballs!

Christmas is officially a Script Free zone!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Newbie

Go check out this blog - its ace! ... and boo is gorgeous.

Rediscovering the Inner Boo

"Christmas is no time for innovation"


Winter Solstice had now past and the Wheel has turned. For me the new year has already begun which means the damp squib of 31st of December does not have any significance.

I do my best to break up from work on the Solstice which means the New Year gets off to a cracking start with the traditional Christmas week and a nice fortnight before back to work.

One blot on the landscape for me this year.

I RECKLESSLY invited my family to share in the festive turkey feast on the 25th.

This means I will have to contend with my cross dressing Dad - still firmly in the closet because of my christian fundamentalist mother and my christian fundamentalist mother. My father looks to me to give him permissions to be himself, my mother seeks to reassure herself that I am not dabbling in any dark arts. Mr Vix has not forgiven my mother for her appalling behaviour towards me in my youth and goes round on the edge of an outburst of rage. This increases exponentially to the amount of alcohol consumed.

As you can already see - its potentially volatile.

Dad tends to snivel all the way through the day, mourning his lack of self expression while mother tends to become more and more dogmatic in her views as the day goes on. Tut, tut, tutting her way through the day. Everything is 'worldly' and debauched. All musicians/actors/creative types are on drugs. Psychotherapy and all my personal interests are evil. My friends are sinners. My children are given too much freedom ...blah blah blah.

Mr Vix gets steadily more outragious to shake my mother from her pious perch.

As if that is not bad enough - I have also gone for maximum masochism - also on the guest list are:-

Brother in Law (never speaks),
Sister (heading the same way as my mother),
Nephew (heading the same way as my father),
Niece - eats for England, resembles a plague of locusts and has a penchant for going through my cupboards - if she discovers all my pagan paraphernalia and decides to out me then you can imagine the volcanic eruption that will take place.

Why did I do it? Why oh why?

Next year - Barbados!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Party Time!


I am just about to get ready for the first party of the festive season. Wooo hooo!

I have a luscious long dress which is strapless - risky business with my boobs.

However I popped into my local specialist bra shop - not that local actually but the only place that seems to stock bras that fit me. (small back/big cup size).

It was a breeze. I was anticipating hours of torrid trying on, having to stare at my battered abdomen in horribly unflattering mirrors and generally regretting buying a strapless dress (you fool woman!)

But I went in - the lovely assistant had only one - I tried it on - it was fab - I paid and left.

I shall put a pic or two up on my blog (and facebook page) to show you my purchase (dress NOT bra) and will be dancing into the wee small hours.

Have fun!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Fancy expanding your mind?


I have been listening to Seth. Its fascinating stuff I can tell you! The kind of experience that puts your brain in a sack and gives it a damn good shake up.

I like it. In fact I more than like it - I am thinking of getting a couple of flags and bunting and pinning my colours to the mast.

Seth is a 'channelled' voice - a thought form from a parallel dimension. He speaks about the nature of all things, time, space, religion, creating reality based on beliefs... or he may be the subconscious brilliance of a 1960's poet.

I am inclined to plump for the former although many will hold with the latter.

So what does he say?

Religion is myth - a set of stories and metaphors to teach universal lessons. Yep - I will go with that one. Inner journeying is the only way to attain wisdom rather than have it dictated from a pulpit - again, sign me up for that point of view. We each create our own reality based on our belief system, thought equals matter, astral projection/dreams/intuition/creativity is journeying along our own probable identity streams etc etc

Plus all matter is seen as having a consciousness - a spirit, an intent,all part of a living breathing 'all that is'. Ahh yes - The Goddess alive and well and manifested in this physical corner of the multidimensional universe.

Like I say - brain, sack, shake, shake.

Good stuff.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Its official!


Happy Samhain - tis the start of the new year tomorrow - the Celtic new year that is.

I was initiated into the Craft proper last night. It was amazing - a truly joyful, spiritual experience.

I have a new name and feel very fresh and young.

I also got told I have a silver aura with sparkly bits which means I am a clairvoyant. (Second time I have been told that so evidence is building) I was up for hearing anything along those lines last night. I also got told that I live in my head a lot of the time and I am a Creator of parallel worlds.

Ah .... good witchy stuff indeed.

I am just off to soak in a bath full of magical bubbles, drink a bottle of cider and relax into my new status.

Blessings of light and darkness to you all. For there is not one without the other.

Much love my precious blog chums.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Trampishness

I cant be arsed to get up in the morning and go running. I cant really be arsed to take my make up off - so I may go to bed and let it come off naturally on the pillow.

Arent I a scurfy madam?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A Powerful Week


Before I even turned over the energy card I had picked for the week I knew it was Power. I really like choosing that one. I have been feeling powerful of late.

This week I have my initiation. It will be done on Thursday - we are drafting in a High Priest to perform the ceremony. My bestest witchy friend is initiating too as part of her growth and development.

I have chosen my Goddess - Freyja - a Norse Goddess to reflect my Scandinavian heritage. I often meet her on my inner journeying. She is my higher self.

I am looking forward to the whole thing. Power is part of the picture! Initiation is empowering, especially being a woman - in wicca the female is first amongst equals.

I have my black cord, I believe there is some tying and blindfolding involved.

I will then take on the attributes of the Goddess chosen; the archetype develops in the subconscious.

You will have to tell me if you see a difference.

Samhain blessings to you all.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

One last thing to do ...


Over recent years I have been ironing out the creases in my life. Sorting out all the things that were unresolved. Getting to a place where I am truly happy and feeling pretty ecstatic all the time. Believe me - I am there, and its fantastic!

Just one enigma remains - one little mystery that I seem quite unable to deal with. My weight. Getting to a reasonable, healthy, OK weight has eluded me. Sure I have done Weight Watchers and Slimming World - duly lost all I should but then back it goes. I have got Paul McKennas system - eminently sensible until you consider that eating when hungry might actually mean tucking into a prawn salad in the middle of a patients emotional disclosure. Can you imagine it ... "Would you mind holding on to that sadness, I will be with you in a minute right after my meal" ... mmm just a tad impractical.

I have been told, and I think he is right, that I am manifesting a struggle with weight. Because I believe I cannot do it then I am creating a reality that means I cant. I know that I have to get my mind sorted out on this one ... but how?

I have visualised, affirmed, pledged, confronted, encouraged contamination free autonomy but to no avail.

No good affirming my sexy slimness while scarfing down a bag of chips and cider (groan)!

Planning is the key - motivating myself to get off the sofa and prepare tomorrows salad. I am an expert on food science, nothing is confusing me as far as knowledge is concerned.

I am about to face another festive season - I would rather be able to get into my size 14 spangly mini skirt than look like the proverbial xmas pudding!

All diets start on a Monday so I will heave myself back onto the wagon next week - having self administered all the intensive psychotherapuetic techniques that I can dredge up over the weekend.

Wish me luck!

PS I am only 11 stone 13 - and 5 foot 7 - its not vast but its more of a (butter) mountain than a molehill.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

New Goddess - subject close to my heart


Just a quickie as I have just got it - poured a glass of wine and have my tea warming in the oven. Tepid food is always rather grizzly.

Full moon and Mei has reminded me to update you on my new goddess. Eurynome - goddess of ecstasy.

I have felt under a lot of pressure lately but its not going to stop me experiencing ecstasy. Pleasure is something I firmly believe in and it keeps me sane. It keeps anyone sane. Mental health is easy once you have cleared out the crap ... just do enough things that give you a sense of achievement, mastery and pleasure. A sense of self - sensual experience, ecstasy. I always attend to that aspect with all my clients.

I am a hedonistic pleasure junkie because its GOOD for me, for everyone. Who said life had to be tough! Life should be a pleasure not a chore. If you examine indigenous cultures they work for about three days a week - the rest of the time is spent socialising, engaged in spiritual practice or having fun.

Sounds like a recipe for good mental health! So get with the pleasure. Do something you enjoy - something that really hits that pleasure zone. Come join in the ecstasy!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Instant gratification v creative exploration

Every so often I get a fixation with facebook. I am just coming out of the latest one. I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Facebook is quick and transient - good fun but I am aware I get unsettled by it. Measuring worth by how many friends are in my stash.

The blog is far more cerebral. I do prefer it. It the difference between an intimate conversation and talking about the weather.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

One thing I want to do before I die


OK, so here it is.

I want to be in some front room somewhere or indeed a bedroom. A group of people that are into expanding consciousness in some way. People I like, that have that group thing going on.

I want to be in the dark with candles, in the wee small hours listening to Tubular Bells on some kick ass stereo, smoking a joint. I have never smoked a joint but its something my poor beleaguered teenager wants to do.

I have never sat in the dark in the wee small hours with a group of interesting folk either but somehow that bit does not need explaining.

I want to let the music flow through my veins and allow the illicit substance to enhance that experience. I want to laugh and talk and fall asleep where I am lying.

Then I want to get up in the morning and giggle over a bowl of cornflakes.

Its all very innocent ... ish. But its my dream.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Talk about change ...


I dropped my son off at university today. He has gone to Aston - almost a stones throw away from the place I was born. Ironic or what. This was always going to be a tough day for me. Saying goodbye to my son was always going to be emotional - however I have always done my very best to encourage him to get out there and experience things. Today I was only reaping a harvest that I had deliberately sown. Didn't stop me crying though.

As I stood in the Autumn sunshine looking out over the high rise buildings of Birmingham my heart almost broke with the grief of all that I did not do all those years ago. I never had the university experience. I was so hamstrung by fear - fear of the World, fear that I may be corrupted by the World, fear of growing up ... fear of everything. I had it burned into my brain by my useless, puritanical religiously fanatical parents - their value system, their warped view of life, their stupid insular, dogmatic prison. I am aware that anger is part of grief and right now I am feeling angry.

I could tear their fecking heads off I am so angry.

I can never have what I lost at that time in my life. I have tried to get it ... boy have a tried to claw it back. I have achieved now. Yes, I do feel proud of what I have done but at this precise moment in time I can not let go of the rage I feel for their inadequate performance.

I am in a cold rage place. Very cold, very vengeful. I am accepting it, accounting for it - not projecting it away from me or denying it.

I am off to Oxford again tomorrow. More pale shadows of what I was cheated out of.

You can call me bitter - but right now that what I need to feel. Thats what is real to me as I contemplate how I stopped the rot for my children and had to climb out of the pit that had been prepared for me.

My son can make his own mind up about things. He has been prepared to embrace life.

I love him with my all.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Full moon - new guides.


Well...new guides being symbolic representations of the part of the psyche that are relevant to this particular stage of my journey.

Oh shut up Vixen!

Every new moon I light candles, perform a small ritual and pick my guides for the month. As there are no such things as coincidences (in my universe) then I really do pay attention to the symbols that I pick. If we are all plugged into a matrix of energy and thought is the means by which we affect our reality then the reflection in the cards can be very helpful.

This moon is a biggie for me. I have my interview for THE job on Wednesday, my son goes off to university and I have second installment of CBT training in Oxford. Plus lots of other events. So the guides for this month are particularly important.

My Goddess was Lady of Beasts - Relationship

I desire union
in ways comfortable and appropriate
I open to the dance with another
knowing that it will take me
to all the places I fear
some of the places I love
many of the places that need healing.
I listen with the ears of my heart
and communicate from a place of self-knowing
I consciously give myself away
and know how to take myself back
I see myself reflected
so perfectly in the other
that I begin my most important journey
to seek out and claim
more of who I am

Goddess Oracle Amy Sophia Marashinsky

My animal guide is CAT - guardianship, detachment and sensuality.

Cat unites the spirit world with highly developed sensuality. Thats me all over! I do not believe that spirituality has to be divorced from sensuality and the pleasures of the body. In fact the most incredible spiritual experiences can be based and expressed through sensuality. This is true in my life.

My plant guide is YARROW - fidelity, masculinity and virility

Yarrow is sacred to the Horned one - the epitome of masculine strenth. Strongly sexual. It also points to a powerful, virile figure that may become more important to me ... eeeh I am in for a good month!

As I am going for my interview I need to draw together the lessons of the random. Lady of the Beasts shows me I must focus on the relationships I have already built, my team at work love me - we work well. Cat teaches me that my physical presence is as important as any theory and Yarrow invites me to take what is mine. Be The Lord - the masculine force. Do not be afraid to show my potency.

So there you are. I have had fun - hope my sharing will have piqued your interest a little.

Full moon is a magical time. Enjoy!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Pub or Church?


What would you do if you had 15 minutes to live?

I have just this minute meandered into my living room to find my son watching The Simpsons movie. I am fond of the Simpsons and managed to catch a 2 minute clip which was rather profound.

As the 'Dome'(if you are not familiar with the film I apologise)descends upon Springfield the congregation of the church rush out onto the street, at the same as the patrons of Mo's bar. Then they swap. Church goers stampeding into the bar to sample some of what they have been missing, and the drinkers rushing into the church to make peace with their maker.

We always want what we haven't had.

I was bought up in a a STRICT (did I emphasise that enough) Christian household where worldly pleasures were frowned on and Shloer was dished up with Sunday lunch in most 'Delph' households. No wine, oh no no no. I now have a hunger for all that is forbidden eg socialising with 'the world', having sex outside of marriage, paganism, studying psychological matters (work of the devil) and general 'wild, free child' experiences.

The reverse is true - the few adult converts that I have known have usually had many years of riotous living in true prodigal son style (drink, drugs, prostitutes etc) and seek to find peace within a religious community, away from the sins of the streets (so to speak).

Perhaps that is just how it is. I know I had to do my unfinished business to find happiness. Unfinished business being the opposite of my originally enforced value system. The shadow has to be experienced and embraced (and bloody well enjoyed)to find contentment.

So what about the last 15 minutes?

What would you do? Pub or Church?

I think I would opt for either deep trance (if I was alone) or complete union with a partner (if I wasn't).

Either way I would want to feel at peace, at one, merged with the universe. No anxiety. No regret. Just there in the moment.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Back from Oxford


I went to Oxford on a CBT course. It was good. I have been roundly rubbishing CBT for a while (basically because I am scared the government in its infinite wisdom will banish all other forms of therapy) and now I am going to stop rubbishing it. Its good stuff. All the other skills I have learnt are fabulous and I wouldn't swap them but CBT is really logical and scientific, and has the added bonus of not analysing the reasons behind offering to make a cup of tea (for example!)

I am a bit of a science chick (Star Trek's Mr Spock being my earliest role model) and so it fits with me. Cut the waffling, cut the endless navel gazing - lets look at how we all maintain our problems by our own thinking/behaviour. Shit happens but its how WE perpetuate that shit that matters. It is immensely liberating because it enables the individual to take full responsibility for their own lives. Yes there are flaws, its not the whole answer but it does not deserve the bashing it has had recently. My own modality does address here and now problems but the sheer force of the here and now focus in CBT is impressive.

I certainly applied the theory immediately.

I have been terrified of getting lost for a long time. Its a realy problem and I feel terribly anxious when I venture into a new area. My two day course enabled me to identify where that came from - getting lost on the way to school in a new village when I was 8. Being late for afternoon registration and bursting into tears when the teacher shouted at me.

However knowing that does not really help. Its the maintenance cycle that is the problem.

What I do now.

What I do now is constantly check my route, make sure I have someone with me to direct me. Panic if there is the slightest hiccup and make dangerous driving decisions in an attempt to get out of the situation. Hence I re enforce my belief that I always get lost and I am hopeless

.... so instead of lurking in Starbucks until 7pm to drive home (to avoid the traffic)and phone home to be guided through the M40/M42 bit, I just got in my car and headed for home at 5pm. Rush hour in Oxford. Guess what? I got home safely and I did it in under 2 hours. I did not get lost once and I am now full of confidence. I have tested out my outdated beliefs and found them to be wanting. Time to overwrite the files.

Lots more I could say but I am sitting in a soggy bath robe and could really do with going to bed.

Hugs xxx

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Village Show


The one thing that is guaranteed to turn a perfectly sunny, clear day into a torrential downpour is a village show!

Our village show was today - this morning I could see all the preparation going on. The stalls being set up, the tents looking splendid in the late summer sun, fairground rides all shiny and enticing. As the start time of 12 noon approached so did the grey clouds, and on the dot the drizzle began to come down in honour of the occasion.

What a shame! Even though the event was a short walk down the road I opted for a Sunday afternoon kip - thanks to the rain. I am ashamed to admit it but I just couldn't be arsed to get all kitted out for wet activity.

What ever happened to Summer?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Is it the time of year?


I feel really down. I usually like to be as upbeat as I can on the blog but I feel really low. It may be the time of year - we are coming up to the Autumn Equinox, a witchy festival as well as an astronomical fact. It is a time of balance, a time of winding down for the darker days and the colder weather. Although I love the Autumn and no one is a big a fan of Winter/ snow/ listening to rain lashing on my window than me - but right now the thought of it SUCKS!

I have a hog roast to attend tonight and in spite of all the weather forecasts promising a bit of warmth and sunshine it is predictably windy and chilly. Again ... it SUCKS! I really don't fancy teetering around on a pair of heels, trying not to sink in to the turf, grasping a glass of chilled (and most probably cheap) wine while I try in vain to find anything that is not pork to eat. Bit hard at a hog roast.

My daughter is also due home at any minute and I am dreading it. She has been away for a week at her boyfriends house. This is a first REAL boyfriend. She has had a string of mild flings of the schoolgirl variety but this young man is 17 and planning to do marine engineering. She has spent her first week with him at his house (chaperoned of course) by the seaside and I am anticipating tears, and moping and general teenage angst. Groan! That is definately going to SUCK!

I am sure I will cheer up after my bath and maybe the cheap wine will help. I always get melancholy at this time of year so its a bit of a ritual really.

I shall sign off and have that bath. Good to be blogging again. Take care.

Little Parcel of Loveliness


Here I am a little more refreshed! I have got something to blog about today. As my long term readers may know, I am a BIG fan of Lush. Lush products are totally heavenly. They are mostly natural (just the odd synthetic ingredient) they are ethically sourced and all the packaging is recycled. Lush also do not use Palm Oil in their products. The demand for Palm Oil is decimating the forests of Indonesia, and leading to whole scale destruction of natural habitats ... and for what? So we in the west can wash our hair/face/body with the latest detergent ridden products! To my knowledge Lush are the only cosmetic company who do not use this in their products. This is why I do not mind paying a little extra for the luxury. I would rather pay £10 for a pot of low environmental impact moisturiser with recyclable packaging (bog standard no frills) than pay less for high impact popular cheapy or more for the indulgent, extravagant and essentially unnecessary expensive products.... OK enough of the rant.

Yesterday I ordered some bath treats, conditioner, moisturiser and soap. I ordered online at www.lush.co.uk and this morning when I woke up there it was on my doorstep. How good is that? I was thrilled. First time I have not trekked into town for my Lush fest - it will be online for me now! The bath ballistics, and bubble bars and other scrummy bits were packed in a recyled carboard box filled with popcorn - a totally biodegradable filler.

I am now looking forward to a soak later on - a clean body and a clear conscience. So readers, I would urge you to check Lush out and bring a little environmentally friendly luxury into your life.

OK - now for the form filling. Had to share that first before I can concentrate on 'patient pathways'. Hugs xxx

Friday, August 29, 2008

Blank - zilch - no ideas!

I have come to write this post and I don't know what to say. That's bad! I have been feeling really good and flying along at my usual fast pace - come to blog and zip. So I will leave it at that and do some surfing. Hope to be far more inspiring tomorrow.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Quick check in


Wanted to spend some time today updating my Blog and writing my thoughts on 'being seen' on the blog too ... as usual I ended up doing my admin, but you were all in my heart. I figured that a small post is better than no post at all.

So here it is.

A very small post.

I have spent most of the day puffing and panting (plus ranting) at all the things I have to do. I will not be able to believe it when I no longer have to prove myself to all and sundry.

Its going to be another year though as I wont hit my dissertation deadline (too much sloppiness in the early stages and a general blase/rebellious attitude). However I have some treats planned for when I do. World of War Craft gets loaded on my computer the minute I finish the poxy thing. I know its the territory of geekdom but I AM a geek, I like Star Trek and Star Gate - what more proof do you need. At Easter when all my exam tapes, transcripts and psychiatric placement are done then I start the prestigious OBOD Druid course. Oooooh cant wait! Its a big incentive.

Right that's enough ... I am off for a curry and a skin full of alcohol. Sod tomorrow!

Hugs xxx

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Bank Holiday Weeked


I have been away - well you all know that now, but just before I went I had the best time at Fire Byrd's party. Met one new blogger and was struck by how much I like the blog people that I have come across.

There is this perception that bloggers are strange social outcasts, holed up in their one bedroom flats - the living space strewn with decaying pizzas but its not the case.

I had another great night with Fire Byrd, Lady in Red and the inimitable Trousers plus a new addition - Mae (Road to Nirvana). All are delightful, intelligent human beings with a definite twinkle in their eye! Wonderful - roll on the next party, may even throw one myself.

So whats new?

Not much to report really. I was up for a week in Slaley Hall (very posh hotel in Northumberland). I did precisely nothing all week except read, fiddle about in the spa and had the occasional walk. Oh yes ... and I ate, but only within the confines of my healthy eating plan. I am feeling very very pleased with myself. I actually lost 2 pounds. Woooooooo Hooooooo! and I am absolutely committed to loosing the rest of the stone so I can indulge in some skyclad fun hehehe. Its my big incentive. Got to look good naked.

And moving swiftly on ....

So here I am, well rested and satisfied. The crazy stuff starts again in a days time but I am really going to try to keep up with my blog.

I really do enjoy my blog relationships. They are very real and worth falling asleep over my keyboard for.

Love you all xxx

PS: The Goddess of Beauty is my totem for the month - even more reason to keep on with those salads and vegie meals.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Oh dear - I have been rubbish


Hello, hello fellow bloggers. I have been so so naff lately. So sorry.

I am at a blog party at the moment - and I don't deserve to be (hang your head in shame Vixen) I have not blogged for 4 weeks (Lady in Red tells me so, so it must be true).

I have been so busy. Really, honest ... I have been.

I do love my blog - and need to attend to it. Lovingly cherish it, stroke it till it purrs with satisfaction but instead I have neglected it shamefully.

Well I am here now - Trousers is on his third bottle of wine, Road to Nirvana is so lovely, Lady is telling me to make a new blog ... I like mine although a fresh start does appeal.

Fire Bird is being the most wonderful hostess as usual. I do have to drive at midnight and have just had my final glass of champers. In order to be good .. am I ever good ... I mean really, in my heart?

So there you are. I have so much to say and will share more with you. May have an identity change. See how the mood takes me.

Love you all.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Pussy cat, pussy cat


Where have you been?

I am off to London to GRADUATE!!!! Woo hoo!!!!

Its been a long time coming. 20 years to be precise but tomorrow I get to wear the Cap and Gown. I will be posting pics on my Blog and Facebook. I am so so so excited.

I will be catching the train early tomorrow - have an afternoon in the big city, a meal with my fellow graduees in evening and then all the pomp and ceremony the following day. All that hard work - all the essay hell! I am going to enjoy the fruits of my labours.

Then there is just the MSc final lap - piece of cake :o)

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Few odds and sods


Thank you thank you thank you all you lovely people who commented on my blog - I know I have not got round to replying to your comments or reading your blogs - I am in a 'blog flap' as I know I have been neglecting you and my precious blog which I love ever so much.

However - here is the plan today

1. Apply for my own job
2. Complete my application for another MSc - I am pretty sure I wont have to go through with it as there are other more suitable courses but it has to be done for 1.(see above).
3. Apply to become a member of the BABCP - necessary for 1. but nowhere near as onerous as applying to the BACP.
4. Bless the new trees planted in my garden.
5. Blog.

I have a Barb-b-Que to attend later on - a couple of friends who magnetically attract wet weather. Look up - see!

Just before I get down to it I have one question for you to ponder. Gay men - do they fly under the radar? I really love gay men (well the ones that I know) and allow them in ever so close. Much closer than your average straight man. I am going to be initiated in October and the High Priest performing the ritual is a gay man. This has led to much muttering amongst certain (bitter) circles about gay men gaining access to the inner sanctum of women. Discuss.

Catch you later!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thomas Dolby - I am an 80's chick after all


Now I have an hours drive to work I am playing all of my Cd's in order. I am finding it such a good experience. I play one from the beginning of the alphabet then one from the end (anal I know - blush!) then one of Bobo's Cd's that he so lovingly burns for me from time to time.

At the moment its Evanescence and Tangerine Dream with an Ambient Trance vol II. However .... it WAS Thomas Dolby. I was a little reluctant at first but then ... oh my goodness. I was transfixed. I was back to sixth form - Sarah Ferguson hair ribbons, ra ra skirts and new romantics. Bliss! The point at which I was too frightened to be fully me ... but now ... revisiting from a place of power - orgasmic! - nostalgia ... oh yes!

Thomas was the epitome of it all. Europa and the Pirate Twins, One of our Submarines and the evocative Airwaves which had it had had a love song lyric would have been one of the all time greats. I wouldn't change it though .... augmented fifths a plenty to the literary backdrop of pylons and urban isolation. Pass me my curling tongs and off the shoulder number. Wonderful stuff!

I was a science chick - biology, chemistry AND physics A grade at O level, AND at A level. Oh Thomas ... who extolled the virtues of the brainy girl. My hero!

Vive la 80's and amen to teenage angst and passion!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Summer Solstice


I watched the sun rise today. It was wonderful. As I look out at the drizzle and the lack of light now, it is hard to believe that the dawn was clear, bright and dry.

I got up at 4am - made a cup of tea and read a little then ventured outside at about 4.30 and stayed outside until the sun rose above the horizon. The Sun - element of Fire - the powerhouse of life itself. Its energy photons are what sustain us all. The plants convert it into a usable form and then the energy travels up the food chain. Upon death the plants fertilise the next generation through returning the energy to the soil - and over vast ages that energy gets stored in fossil fuels - the blood and bones of the planet. How reckless of man to chop down the very means by which we live and to burn up, plunder and squander the vast store houses of energy that have been laid down for millions of years.

Reckless indeed.

As I sat and watched the roseate glow on the horizon,the light growing ever stronger, I observed a plane fly across the sky. How ironic - man and his greed, his need for more than is needed to live, love and be happy. There was the epitome of wastefulness; burning fuel and belching out fumes just at the moment the source of life was rising on the longest day in our Northern hemisphere - smiling down on our beautiful, fragile planet.

The birdsong was joyful and plaintive - do you know that rooks caw three times in a row. I didn't until I sat and observed. My cats were thrilled to have me outside so early - they frolicked on the grass and sensed the excitement and the reverence.

The sun rose. I delivered my salutation and was humbled by my smallness. I asked for a Blessing and offered my energy in return. I vowed to preserve as much energy as I could. Stop boiling kettles for cups of tea that then don't get made, turn off the lights when not needed, recycle and buy recycled goods, share lifts. Small offerings made in gratitude.

Solstice Blessings!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Bring on the Fire


Only one client today. I turned down two others - it was entirely for self protection. I have to contain the paperwork monster and its becoming clear that a day a week is minimum requirement to keep from being dragged off by said monster and kept in a dungeon.

I had a client phone up last night - she wanted at least half an hour free therapy on the phone. I had had a drink so I was not able to oblige. I had a client get rather irritated when I refused to do an hour and a half session at 6pm tonight. (making my finishing time 7.30) - even though I explained that I really do not have the energy or resources to work that late on a Friday (I am fried). I also had a client leave a number of messages wanting to turn up at lunch time today to be squeezed in. Again I said no - I had plans to catch up. I do find it hard to say no but am learning that no one is going to say no for me (or rescue me from my own helpfulness) so I have to do it for myself.

I am also attempting to make my experience a little more of a soul satisfying experience. I get rather depressed in clinical reality and have to have something a little spiritual to be able to breathe and feel ok. So just before I tackle the pile I am popping out to get a 'Fire' candle to burn in my study. It is the Solstice tomorrow and for me this marks the end of the realm of Air - logic, thought and academic endeavour and into the new era of Fire - passion, inspiration, action and productivity. So I am going to get a bright red candle and light it, and invite its dancing flame to inspire me to greater productivity and inspirational achievement.

Catch you later!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

So missed this


Hello, hello, hello. So missed blogging. I really have. So good to be doing it again. I love being creative and have to say that Tony inspired me today - he has started following me on Twitter. Now there is another little something that I have been neglecting - so thanks Graffiti, your little smidgen of attention has worked wonders :o)

Things are OK for me at the moment but I have been neglecting my friends. I have been so caught up in all the hoops I have to pass through to be recognised as a competent human being that I have lost touch with everyone.

So my apologies you wonderful people. I really value being part of networks. I so love everyones'individuality, the special things ... the nuances of character.

In fact I may indulge in a little Boboesque stroke fest of all of you on my blog roll - because you are all ace! I am feeling all loved up and happy.

I am going to a festival too ... first time so its just a Saturday day pass but its a step forward. Life is soooo good! I feel like I am finally where I should have been, the road less travelled worked out Ok in the end.

Love you all!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

My Admin week is over - woo hoo!


Its done - its all sorted!

That means its not really done but its all arranged into pretty paper folders with 'to do' lists relevant to each folder inserted in the front cover.

Phew! What a relief.

I have managed to do a lot too - got lots of niggly jobs done - I know where I am and its a satisfying feeling.

I am also aware of what a tedious madam I have become on this blog. Must reconnect to a bit of proper Queeny - start debating some spiritual issues etc

However my Faerie guide this new moon was quite clear - GET THE BLOODY JOBS DONE THEN PLAY!

That's not really my Script pattern - I like having fun first then paying a heavy price - but I have buckled down (winged, moaned and bewailed my fate) and have done it. I feel all fresh and sparkly! Will be even more sparkly soon as I have a Lush glittery bath ballistic to use - it promises to contain a silver butterfly inside its fizzing glory.

I shall let you know!

I am taking my African Shaman into the bath with me - not literally of course (damn it) but in literary form. Malidoma Patrice Some - check out his writing, it is exquisite; really moving stuff about the clash of culture. Its sounds heavy but somehow its not - the human spirit soars from its pages and his reverence for the earth, its spirit and manhood is breathtaking.

Manhood is currently a big topic for me - so many lost young men come to me seeking help (psychologically) and there is work to be done in empowering men again, empowering them to be true men with strength, sensitivity and spiritual wisdom.

I shall debate it more - at least that last little paragraph was a tad more interesting than my organisational exploits.

Take care y'all! xxx

Friday, May 30, 2008

Such a mix


I have 5 minutes before QI so I will be quick. My week of admin is grinding to a halt - it has been an at the coal face sort of a week - the sort of a week I run a mile from. All practicality and jobs that HAVE to be done. I like to inhabit a twilight world of vaguely clever fantasy ordinarily but this week the bills, the course requirements, the job criteria and hell! the parking fines all intervened and squatted in a bit ugly pile on my version of reality.

Just looking down my list of things still to do,

Update my logs
CRB check (buggered up the first attempt)
Write Section C - too much admin cluttered my ability to create
Prepare for my group Tuesday
Join BACP - still too daunting, the 70 page long form is hiding under the bed waiting to terrorise me in the long, dark night.
Send off deposit for a wonderful family constellations course.
Pay speeding fine
Blog (well there is one success)
Renew my Pagan Federation membership
Research the Goddess Conference, local music festival and highly dodgy couples workshop
Work out whether to go to Peru next year on a walking challenge.

Still lots to do - and I have left stuff out. At least I know what it is - knowledge is the first part of the sorting process.

Hope to blog tomorrow - in the meantime Steven Fry beckons!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Skint with a week off


Hello all!

Once again I apologise for being sloppy with my blogging. I went away to Glastonbury for the weekend and took leave of my senses in the wierdy shops ... I spent a lot. The Buddhists would have me down for a lot of self grasping behaviour, the wiccans would celebrate the abundance. I am just going to have to stay in for 3 weeks with no trips out, treats or meals with friends in order to make up for my excessive spending spree.

Still, I got some great stuff - lots of books, incense, witchy things and a particularly phallic fire candle in readiness for Solstice in June. Job done!

I am having a week off to catch up on all my admin and paperwork and to write Section C of my dissertation. Unfortunately admin and paperwork is necessary to secure my new job whereas the dissertation can afford to drift by a couple of months. There are a lot of 'chicken and egg' decisions to make at the moment. What comes first? What needs to be done to facilitate the rest - kind of stuff. I am doing my best to stay cheerful but nothing puts me in a foul mood more than an 'epitome of the nanny state, prove you actually exist and are not a two headed Mongolian, anal, crappy, rant provoking' CRB check.

Right I am off to do a bit of shopping in Derby - not personal shopping but birthday shopping for my dear old Mum (all budgeted for) then its back to the CRB check, the Uni application form, the BACP accreditation form (70 bloody pages long - can you believe it? - I cant).

Will catch you later. Hugs xxxx

Monday, May 12, 2008

Rat Race


Just a quickie as I am in the middle of preparation for work tomorrow.

I feel as if I am on a treadmill - trudging along. My optimistic and slightly eccentric outlook on life sometimes deserts me, often due to hormonal reasons or overwork or stuff that's going on but by and large I am able to enjoy things, drink the elixir of life, squeal with pleasure ... you get the picture!

Not so tonight.

I have seen clients back to back throughout the day. The last one did not finish till 5.30, got stuck in traffic which meant I did not get home till 6.45. I have eaten my meagre but healthy dinner and now I am back in my office preparing for work tomorrow!

So, I ask myself, is this it? Is this what life is going to be like for the next umpteen years. Now in my rational moments I know this is not true. There is so much exciting and wonderful stuff going on in my life at the moment I can barely get a full nights sleep due to anticipation. Not so tonight - tonight it seems bleak.

After running off my handouts for my over 35's group (all relationship stuff) and catching up on my screening intakes, and a letter to an errant patient I have to boldly go into the kitchen to prepare for tomorrows lunch.

Tomorrow the alarm will go off at 7am - up for a run, shower, breakfast, drive to work, work, eat prepared lunch, more work, drive home, eat meagre dinner, prepare for presentation the following day, back into kitchen to prepare tomorrows lunch ... and so on.

Oh grizzly.

I need my fairy goggles so it can all seem magical again.

Funny what too much progesterone can do for one. Sigh!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Wow I can post again.

I have not been able to post. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much positive thinking was employed. My dashboard would not work.

I considered uninstalling Norton antivirus - I appealed to the all knowing Bobo for advice - but thankfully Blogger have sorted it.

Normal service has been resumed.

Got loads to say but have just drank a bottle of cider and a bottle of wine so its a bloody wonder I am managing to write anything.

Must tell you about my moot ... and about the Age of Horus ... and about shamanism in general. I met a real live shaman this week, someone who had been to the edge of death and seen stuff ... moot chieftan to boot. See I have loads to say but just to pissed to say it.

Love ya all!

Friday, May 02, 2008

Every one is getting better ...


I am always amazed and entranced by how the universe works - how expectation affects what happens; how the flow of events creates evolution and change.

Last year I was inundated with private psychotherapy clients - I could hardly afford to fit in my NHS work. Then I took out a bold and expensive advert in Yellow Pages which I was assured would boost my business even more. There was a move from the psychoanalysis into the counselling section (statistically more enquiries), plus a carefully crafted advert guaranteed to bring in the clients.

At the same time I was offered more hours in the NHS and I began to attach to my work there, to the people (ex-mining community struggling to come to terms with the disappearance of their heritage)- my focus subtly changed. Suddenly I wanted the paid job more than the vagaries of being self employed. I relished the diversity of clients, people from all backgrounds - I found managing waiting lists and dealing with issues of accessibility challenging and rewarding. I loved the earthy nature of the community which was embracing me.

Hey Presto!

My Yellow Pages add has been a disaster. One enquiry only. My private business has reduced to no more than £175 a week. My NHS work now pays the bills.

I find myself in a position where I am on the threshold of having a full time job that is well paid and secure. My only concern has been for my remaining private clients. I still need time for them. Yet this week 6 of my remaining 10 have bounced in to my therapy room having integrated the changes we have been working on together - the changes are holding and they are better! Slowly but surely these wonderful people are leaving me and growing, moving forward into a brighter adulthood. They no longer need me to hold them but are embracing a future with the resources to cope for themselves. It is both sad and wonderful, humbling ... bitter sweet.

So here I am feeling truly grateful for how this incredible unfolding that we call life works. Grateful for the mechanics of experience. The path is almost clear for me to emerge from this phase and into the next.

Of course I am aware that I may not get the full time post - if so then I believe that I will flow into the next stage anyway, the place I am meant to be. You may call it faith ... so what if it is. Faith can and does move mountains.

I love my job.

I love working with people; the respect and the intimacy. I love being a midwife for rebirth.

Have a great bank holiday. Breathe and enjoy.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Beltane


Last night I had one of those girlie nights - ie cauldrons, athames and velvet dresses with unnecessarily plunging necklines.

Its Beltane today/tomorrow. Time of rampant desire and unbridled sexual passion - well at least that's the plan.

All of us jumped the Beltane fire (candle in a cauldron) and I called in a number of energies. One of which was my sparkle. My long term readers will know that my 'sparkle' is vitally important to my well being, and some would say defines who I am. Of late it has been rather feeble. Rather too much going on - most of it tricky stuff that has been rather draining - however there is a stirring. Most definitely.

I invoked my Goddess Freya - so that means my sparkle is guaranteed to return in shed loads.

Spring helps - all of those buds, and sproutings. New jobs beckon. New experiences entice with delicious promise. I called in new friends as well as old and much loved ones. I called in health and vitality, passion and adventure.

Retreats are top of the list - open rituals in groups, drumming out of doors, lots of life enhancing stuff.

Ok so the dissertation has to be written and the new Masters embarked upon.... but as well as that there is the Druidry course and World of Warcraft (my reward for completion of my tasks) new books to be read, new music to be transported by, new films to see. Lots of it - as well as a deepening of all that is in my life already. Drink deeply and life will not disappoint.

Here's to a sparkly future!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Jelly Babies

I must stop eating jelly babies. I always begin like a frenzied shark - snaffling and chomping. Then when the stomach finally registers that there is an excess of gelatin, sugar and psychedelic food colouring its too late and I feel sick as a dog.

Groan!

I like the orange ones - how about you?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Something light hearted and lemony


See, see - I am still creating time to blog! Although today I am not going to be posting something thought provoking or particularly stimulating - that's because I have a curry about to arrive. It was going to be garlic mushrooms, crusty bread and salad but after a valiant struggle (cough!) I gave in to the general wishes and have opted for an Indian. I have had a veggie one tonight - part of my new way of thinking about weight, karma and not eating dead flesh.

Sooooo my little post is about anti-perspirant. I have given it up!

Now before you all rush off to find pegs and stuff let me explain. I still smell sweetly. I have never really been a 'sweater' so smearing dodgy stuff that clogs up my pores, glands and may even be implicated in breast cancer seems a dangerous waste of time and money.

Instead I have opted for a block deodorant from Lush which smells zingy, lemony and fresh. Lemon essential oil is a natural bactericide and good old talc, which is the base product, soaks up any perspirings a treat. My other alternative is a dab of Starchild Tantra oil which is musky and spicy. I feel much better - there is too much sterile, ultra clean thinking that goes on anyway. Plus everyone I know says I have a natural scent with is 'divine' (and I quote) therefore I am not going to worry about aluminium containing cloggers anymore. I shall let my body breathe and do what it is supposed to.

I do like the smell of sweat on a man - so why shouldn't men have the same kind of response to women. [Caveat: Providing its not stale and has developed into rancid BO]. Sweat contains pheromones. Those are gooooood! I think we mask too much of our real selves in many ways, the earthy scent of the body is luscious - I am going natural.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Hedging my Bets


I realised last night what a bet hedger I really am.

I have been attending a Buddhist meditation class recently: Good anti-stress measure plus some stimulating adult conversation.

However last night I did find myself at odds with the 'teacher'. The subject of Karma, rebirth and animals. I don't actually subscribe to the Buddhist path but I do like some of the teachings so it was all too much for me when we were encouraged to let our pets die of natural causes instead of trying to end suffering by euthanasia. I was outraged. The principle is that if we terminate the suffering then the soul of the animal cannot ripen its karma and so takes a low rebirth again... er .. So that means my cat who had her face smashed in by a hubcap would have had to either bleed or starve to death. I don't think so!!!

At the end of the class I ended up having to explain my reticence and got the feeling that the teacher felt I was simply unable to show the faith that was necessary, and therefore should be treated with long suffering and compassion for my error. Whatever - there is no way I think animals should suffer. Full stop.

During the course of the debate I found myself defending and explaining
1. My Christian frame of reference
2. My Pagan frame of reference
3. The bits of the Buddhist frame of reference that I sign up for

So many spiritual paths? It can only mean one thing, in a truly cosmic sense - "No one is going to get me" - with all the bases covered I should be bomb proof!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Post Heisenbergs uncertainty principle ... and getting things done


"Whatever you send out is what you draw back in. Take responsibility for the thoughts and emotions you send out, for they go into the universe and create the events and circumstances that come back to you"

"Its your belief system that runs every moment of your lives"

These are just two quotes from my latest reading material, Living Magically by Gill Edwards. One of my clients bought it for me as a yuletide gift - just before she magically disappeared into the ether. I am enjoying it! My therapist screwed up her nose and gave me a disparaging look when I mentioned it but there again my therapist and I are not generally on the same wavelength. I guess some of it could be dismissed as flaky but most of it is stunningly truthful and carries the 'Life Changing' label in full technicolour.

I am currently examining my own belief system which is full of catastrophic thinking - eek! I am also currently seeking to change my beliefs. I have observed that how we think, what we believe actually does affect what happens to us... or maybe it provides a filter which only allows us to see the things that fit in with our belief system. Now, I am not by any means apportioning blame to the individual - I am not saying that victims of abuse and war and crime 'ask' for these things to happen. I would never suggest such a thing and those that do show a deeply damaging and cruel way of framing experience.

What I am talking about are the things such as - "I can never be thin", "life is hard", "I will never have enough money" etc etc base line beliefs about experience which I do think affects us and shapes our lives.

The one that has recently come to light for me is "I never have enough time". Big theme for me, and one I will regularly churn out. I cant do x,y and z because I never have enough time. I cant call, text, blog because I never have enough time. I am someone who is invariably late! I adore Alice in Wonderland - how does it start? - the white rabbit is late and nervously looking at his watch! Time is a theme for me. I enjoy films and TV that involve time travel, I am fascinated by new scientific understanding of time as a circular phenomenon as opposed to a linear force. Time, time, time.

So I decided today that I DID have enough time, and you know what ... I have managed to do everything that I wanted too. Even a 40 minute journey in the car turned out to be 30 mins (no speeding involved, alas, my points tally is getting way too big). So here I am having blogged again - read everyones' blogs and commented. I have a meditation class tonight and I am twiddling my thumbs. By believing I have enough time - I have enough time.

With one proviso ... I have not done my menus for the week. I have not planned out my healthy lunches and low calorie meals ... so here we have another belief system. "I always have to struggle with my weight". The only task I have not completed relates to facilitating my own healthy weight. See how it works? So now I am off to do that job because I CAN be a healthy weight without having to starve, struggle or be bloody miserable!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Tidy Room - Tidy Mind - Big insight


I always know when I am feeling OK - a sense of inner peace and serenity pervading - when I get the urge to tidy.

I have been told I am a messy person - well yes I can be.

I have been accused of just leaving stuff around - well again, yes this is true.

However I am not an inherently messy person because I do love to tidy and organise.

In order to do this it has to get into a mess first! That is my undeniable logic.

There is a good reason why I develop a 'wall of shame' in my bedroom, or allow the bathroom shelf to get cluttered or let my jewelery fall into a state of shambolic disrepair. Its so I can tidy it up, and look at all the floor space, tidy pots of body stuff and sparkly bracelets and feel a sense of immense satisfaction!

I have had a blissful afternoon tidying. Tidying myself first and foremost by sorting out my exfoliants, my bath bubbles, melts and fizzing bath ballistics, organising the bathroom shelf into nail things, face creams, body lotions and the terribly satisfying shower shelf, shampoos in one bit, moisturisers in another - you get the picture.

Sorted out my reading material - my tottering pile of bedside books is now only 6 volumes high. My eclectic collection of esoteric symbolic jewelery is all sorted according to colour, wood, metal etc. Giving my Obsessive Compulsive part a run out has done me a power of good.

Eeee by gum its been grand!!!

As part of my inner journey through the medium of a tidying frenzy - I became aware of a script story I carry as part of my inner programme. Snow White. It hit me like a bolt of lightening; bring on all the rabbits and squirrels, the deer can help too - lets just get everything spick and span. In fact I am convinced that Snow White is more of a script story than Sleeping Beauty (the one I always thought it was) Snow White fits the bill a lot more - scarily so.

My Mum was a lovely Mum until I got to 14 - when I began to grow up and become a threat to her. My mother is a striking woman, jet black hair, emerald eyes, a sort of mediteranian look about her, shapely and tall - she always had an entourage of men in tow. I was born when she was 20 so she was also young.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all ...

My mother turned against me once I developed my own charms. Blonde hair, saphire blue eyes, a scandanavian look about me - shapely and tall. So when the men began to notice me she treated me in the most savage and brutal way. I endured 6 years of emotional and physical abuse from her until I finally left by the only means I knew how. I got married at 20 years old.

Then followed years of housework. Cooking, cleaning - caring for my man and my family. I was the perfect little Snow White, however as my lack of fullfillment began to grow like a tumour in my 'perfect' life so I began to entertain ideas of dying. The glass coffin was strangely seductive, I imagined I was ill - that it was terminal, I may as well have been dead as there was little joy in my life and the future seemed like a bleak and grey nothingness.

Thankfully I rejected the poisened apple my mother offered me; a life lived in unhappiness and I got myself out of the fairy tale.

Funny how tidying can lead to such musings - thought I would share it with you as I feel humbled by the knowledge. Our beliefs systems shape our lifes. Mine changed, I am so so grateful that it did.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Will be blogging at Weekend


Hello, hello all you lovely bloggers.

I am having a weekend off this weekend - (after being ill, going to conference, then straight back to work, private clients on top of that - supervision all day Saturday, housework Sunday, work all week, private session this evening - 4 tomorrow)...I am so looking forward to A BLOODY WONDERFUL WEEKEND OFF.

Top of my agenda is blogging - well actually its 'lush' bath first, shave legs and stuff (shuffle) then blogging and responding to emails and generally catching up on the friendships that have been unattended for a while - including my cyber ones. Phew!!!

I was supposed to be writing part of my dissertaion this weekend but I cant do it all - and I am not prepared to either; So I am going to fiddle about and sleep and sort out my menus (yes I do weekly menus - all very obsessive compulsive of me).

Just one bit of news ...

I got a BLOODY speeding fine AGAIN - those dratted cameras, its deliberate! The one that caught me is on 'the Stafford road towards bloxwich' those of you that know it will be aware its a nightmare. There must be 15 cameras and 15 cunningly disguised different speed restrictions. Is it 40 or maybe 50, perhaps it just went to a 30 - whoops no, its OK - 50 again - wop on the brakes its now 30 with about 3 yards warning. Of course it is a fantastic money spinner for whoever rakes in the ill gotten takings - stolen from law abiding citizens. I now have to fork up £60 and have a grand total of 6 points on my licence. Thinking of joining the association that spray paints lenses of these monsters or sets fire to them - I see it as a public service!

See you soon xxxx

Monday, March 24, 2008

Just about back in the Land of the Living


Hello to you all - and thank you for your comments on my previous post - written oh so long ago. Just as I thought I would have a lovely bank holiday to blog - I got the flu! I mean the real thing.

Has led me to muse upon working too hard and how its not good for the immune system. Plus some very deep thinking on the 'I'm not allowed to be happy' message I carry around in my script. I battle with this little blighter and mostly win the battle but it has a happy knack of popping out on the somatic level just when I feel happy such as A nice long Easter holiday or The fun packed Psychotherapy conference scheduled for the end of the week. Once a wave of deep contentment strikes my 'I cant be happy' musters the troops and comes out full combat mission to strike me down and make me stay in bed, sniffling and full of woe.

Well you know what - I think his time is up because in spite of my illness I have still read, and meditated, sorted stuff out and watched some cracking DVDs. So there - yah boo sucks!!! I am having a delicate chicken and apricot curry tonight - OK so he managed to put the 'chilli explosion' off the menu but so what! Being content in spite of being ill seems to have helped my immune system to rally. I have got out of bed and am being extraordinarily nice to me. I feel better already and will be blogging properly before I hop off to the conference. That's a promise.

I have been tagged by Darth - cheers Mister, I will attend to that and I am going to have to put the Word Verification thingy on for comments. Sorry about that but I have been spammed as Hedgewizard predicted I would.

If you have found my post a little bizarre. Blame it on the fever!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Sorry for being so quiet....

I am aware that I have not written a lot recently. Its not intentional - its just the readjustment period to working 22 hours at the GP's. It means I am back later and my private clients are getting squeezed into two days - hence not as much time as I used to have.

I am sure it will settle and I will get into a rhythm. I am aware I have not been reading all your wonderful blogs - I feel the poorer for it. Just give me a chance to sort myself out and it will be business as usual.

I have my Sons bash to write about - observations of freedom, and the energy of teenagers.

The recent moot is another topic - good stuff on survival and the sympathetic nervous system, plus pagan observations - always good.

Ok so there are my apologies. Will be back hopefully later in the week. Till then I will be thinking of you xxx

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I have had a bollocking


I need to process this - on one hand I am outraged, on the other filled with mortification.

I submitted my last two assignments for my Post Grad Diploma at the end of Feb, as my regular readers will know. I thought I had written them all but it turned out more pounds of flesh were needed. In order not to bugger up my 'Big exam/Masters' progression I used two questions from the dissertation as the basis for the last two assignments.

Still with me? ... good.

As these were being submitted for Diploma they needed 'Short Titles' on the 'Front Sheet' - a piece of paper that gives details of stage of training, word count etc. Having been vaguely aware that trainees have been urged to 'invent' short titles to simplify the process of categorisation (if the assignments are not the 'official' titles given after each topic training) then I condensed the titles and (as I thought) duly obliged. Turned out I should have written 'BigExam'1 and 'BigExam'11. This MAY have been communicated through the medium of a dusty edict issued when the handbooks were given out ... but to be honest it was news to me.

These two assignments are critical for my graduation in May.

Hello??? ... still there? .. OK last bit.

I got a snotty letter today which filled me with alarm - enclosed were two amended front sheets that had been photocopied.

The first three paragraphs of the letter outlined my transgression, outlined the consequences of my transgression and the fact that I would not have my assignments marked in time ... hence no graduation. Cue the shaking hands, ashen features and general palpitations. I was told in no uncertain terms how pathetic/lazy/wicked/ criminally insane I was.

Then, at the bottom of the letter (which if it could have combusted and burnt me to death would have done) was this little paragraph ... see what you think

"However * has found the time to help me fill in the necessary information on the front sheet. Please do look at it and note what is needed for future work. I am not promising to do this in future. It may be that if I get more work from you without a correctly filled in front sheet you will get it back for completion and so miss the marking point. I do hope this will not happen."

Well f**k me! I was livid. Talk about I'm OK You're NOT (OH NO MOST DEFINITELY NOT) OK. Am I over reacting? Or was that anally retentive, jobsworth, big bullying teacher stuff. The assingments had been sent for marking after all, and all that was required was a 10 second ammendment to the short title. I felt and still feel about 4years old, humiliated and shamed. I may as well have wet my pants.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Oh my goodness - what a struggle!


Today was the day I had set aside to write Section B of my psychotherapy dissertation. It is the shortest (and easiest) section - "Your training and personal development."

Easy my arse!

I have wrested with it all day and only just finished. Bloody Hell! What a pain in the neck. So this is how it went:-

Tap away at the key board - 200 words

Fiddle on facebook

50 words

Facebook
Facebook
Make a cuppa
Facebook

20 words

Facebook
Phone a friend
Facebook
Check the blog

70 words

Facebook
Lunch
Cuppa
Facebook

300 words

Facebook

Back to essay - have a read

Facebook
Check phone
Face book
Get berated by daughter for being on Facebook

150 words

Cup of tea
Check phone
Vow not to look at Facebook
Facebook

Bang head on desk

Remaining words written.

I cant tell you how relieved I am that that is over. Oh my goodness! So now I am off for a bath, to shake and gibber and recover from the experience. I have been saving up a Lush bath bomb especially for the occasion.

So think of me in my state of post dissertation bliss - and post facebook binge. I am taking a glass of cider up there and am going to read the crappiest book I can find.

Have a great evening.... and whatever you do - don't even stray onto Facebook, you might never get out alive.

Friday, February 29, 2008

What does it mean to be a Witch - Part Two


"To reclaim the word witch is to reclaim our right as women to be powerful" Starhawk: Spiral Dance
Here we have one of the single most important features for me when it comes to neo paganism.

I grew up in a family which was governed by a strict christian code. We attended church maybe 4 times a week, the women or 'Sisters' were subordinate to the men (Brethren). Sisters took no part in any of the services and were not allowed to speak, they also had to cover their heads with hats or veils. To have an uncovered head was considered blasphemy as God was the head of Jesus, Jesus was the head of the Church and Man was the head of the woman. Sisters are allowed to play the organ, teach in sunday school and organise any catering. A few slipped through onto committees such as choosing the topics for bible class but it was rare (and daring!) I have had bible study classes in my home where I was expected to wear a head covering because one Brother was in attendance. That also meant that I had to keep silence.

Women were encouraged to keep house and raise children to ensure future generations continued on the straight and narrow. Careers were frowned on. Outward adorning was frowned on. Most things were frowned on. Clothing had to cover the body properly, and too much flesh on display would bring swift rebuke from a senior Sister. After all, Eve was the originator of sin, she persuaded her husband to eat from the tree and only through childbirth would womankind redeem for her sin. "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children".

Sexuality was repressed. No sex before marriage, no divorce, no marriage to anyone not of the same faith. Mortifying sin in the flesh was the ultimate objective and as women were sin personified then they had to be even more supressed and repressed.

Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Wicca, witchcraft, paganism ... call it what you will is the most wonderful opposite to all of that vile wickedness. It redresses the balance. Women are no longer evil but the embodiment of Goddess, to be revered, celebrated and enjoyed. The Goddess .... symbol of the divine feminine brings power to women downtrodden by a patriachal heirachy.

Being a witch means that sexuality is sacred. Sex is allowed, it is activly encouraged ... it is a natural expression of the soul. To deny our bodies and our sexuality is not required.

In most major religions the preists, prophets, gurus, buddhas etc are male. In paganism it can be either, but is predominantly female. I act as priestess at my coven rituals. Each time I do, I want to shout aloud with joy - I can express my spirituality, I can speak, I can sing, I can conduct the ceremony. It is so liberating and empowering. I have spent my life being taught to submit to male authority and masculine perceptions. Being a witch means that being female is an ADVANTAGE!

The Goddess is vitally important for women - and for me. In Goddess, as a woman, I see myself as divine, my body as sacred, the changing phases of my life as holy - and not to be feared. Maiden, mother and Crone - all carry power and wonder. The qualities of aggression, anger, the power to nurture and create as well as destroy are encouraged and validated.

So what about the men that embrace the path? Men are tragically oppressed in patriachal religion. The oppression is more subtle than for women, but still they are encouraged to emulate spiritual perfection and destroy their 'base animal' nature. This puts men at war with themselves and hence that war gets projected outwards in behaviour. Paganism allows men to connect with symbols of divinity that show more humanity; that are at ease with sexuality - they dance, they create, they are free to play and express.

"All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals" - a quote from the Charge of the Goddess. The sensual pleasure of the body and mind are expressed freely and are seen as an expression of the life force. Therefore they are sacred within the guiding principle of love. (Its no wonder the controling church/state tried to supress witchcraft. We cant have people being happy now, can we - and finding out they can be at ease with themselves).

Pleasure is part of the ethos. Fear of judgement is removed.

After so much constraint, and so much indoctrination about the sinful nature of being a woman - to be a witch is like bursting from an underground coffin into the bright, clear air. I can breathe, I can feel, I can dance with the sheer joy of being alive. I can luxuriate in the knowledge that to be a woman is a good thing, not just good - FANTASTIC!

Monday, February 25, 2008

My Son


I know I have been quiet. It has not been deliberate just how its worked out.

Last week my Son turned 18. It was an emotional experience for me. I am not the kind of Mum who enjoyed the baby phase, toddler or small child bit - I felt guilty about that for ages but not anymore. I never had a desire for them to be small again and have embraced their teenage years with joy!

However, on the morning my son was officially a man I did cry. All I could see was the golden haired blue eyed cherub who used to run round the house with his own little language. He had hearing and learning difficulties after the MMR vaccine went badly wrong. Thankfully he made a full recovery but I put in hours and hours and hours of one to one time with him, trying to show him that events were sequential and not stand alone experiences.

Once diagnosed his ears were operated on, and his tonsils removed. It took him weeks to get used to sound. The toilet flushing really frightened him and the first time he heard the ice cream van outside he was totally confused. He was in speech therapy for 2 years. He was designated as special needs but I refused to accept it, or allow him to be singled out. So I did the extra teaching myself.

It was so scary to be a mother when he was so ill. He was ill on and off for a long time and each time his ears would fill up and he would be sick for days (and long, long nights). It seemed like it would never end. I taught him how to relate to other children - he had existed in a world of his own for those crucial early developmental years. I am really proud of what I did.

His school life was a total success. He made lots of friends. He got 10 GCSE's all A*, A and B's. He is taking French, Psychology and History A level and is off to university this September. He sings in a band and is one of the most popular guys at his school. He is about to take his driving test and is off to Estonia this Summer on a holiday he has organised with his best mate. He got on a plane by himself at age 15.

Even as I recall all of this its like I am talking of someone else. The poorly child that fought and struggled with what the doctors poison did to him, bears no resemblance to the confident, attractive, gregarious young man that he now is. Not a hint of his former difficulties.

He is a man now - and I love him.

Monday, February 18, 2008

How do I get out of bed in the morning?


Just had a 'major' embarrassing moment. Funny ... but embarrassing. Let me rewind a little because background will certainly explain my eccentricity.

I slept like the proverbial log last night. Toasty nightdress, 12 tog duvet, extra two blankets and that was me piping hot and cosy for the duration.

Was rudely awakened at 8.20am - had to be out of the house at 8.50am, fill the car with petrol and then 45min drive to my place of work.

Managed to get downstairs to eat and make a packed lunch - had a go at the kids and somehow got ready for work. At this point I was still having difficulty focusing - I mean visually. Not a great start to the day.

Anyway, I arrived in my consulting room, saw my patients, had successful sessions; managed to grab a cup of tea and sit back to do some admin.

In walks one of the GPs, we have serious chat about a patient who has to be seen urgently - crisis team cannot do it etc etc. Just so happens I have a slot next Monday - so she thanks me and just before she leaves says,

"I think I ought to tell you that you have your top on inside out".

At first the true horror did not sink in, then I looked down and noticed that the cluster of wash care labels were indeed on the outside and there for all to see, the buttons where nowhere to be seen and all my seams were out enjoying the sunshine.

Even now I am still in a state of shock - oh the mortifying shame!

Thankfully the GP in question was a woman and she thought it was hysterically funny. My parting shot was,

"Well that has blown any credibility the Counselling service may have had ... we cant even dress ourselves!"

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Distractions and Dissertations

Phew!

First 5,000 words written and proof read. Referencing will come later once my supervisor has sent the first draft of the first bit back for ammending - always ammending to do!

I have battled through today with a hang over. My own stupid fault for drinking a whole bottle of wine last night and casting caution to the wind.

It has taken three days to write this bit - I have to admit it would have taken much less time if I had not have indulged in a particularly (snigger, giggle) naughty bit of distraction. I have been surfing google images for erotic art. Even as I tut at myself, and hang my head in mock shame I am aware of Bob and Mary Gouldings treatment suggestion for OCD - "instead of performing a ritual choose to have a sexual fantasy instead". So I did, lots of them all courtesy of good old Google.


The images are now stored in my own private stash on my computer and I may just post one or two on my blog. All are rather tastefull and stylish - so much more erotic than the explicit stuff, in my opinion anyway.

So there you have it, my confession - well actually not all of it, not one of the images were of men!



Make of that what you will.


Well I am off for a cup of tea and a lie down. The kitchen needs doing but I am pretending its in a parallel universe and therefore does not really exist in this dimension.