Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I cant seem to relax

I have a week off.

Usually I am racing around. Full time job, two post graduate courses to study for, London 2 days a week, social life off the scale, family etc You would have thought that a week off would be a 'good' thing. Yeh, you would have thought!

I am finding it so difficult to relax that I am actually miserable. All I can think of is getting back to work, re engaging with my course, doing all the things that will get our Service IAPT compliant. I am waking up at normal work time with my brain alive with all of this ... part of me is screaming "will you bloody well relax!" Some of my doomsday parent introjects are prophesying worst case scenario with heart attacks and physical collapse but try as I might I don't like standing still.

I feel morose when there is nothing to attend to. I can relax - for short periods of time. I love taking long, luxurious baths - I enjoy good food, wine and meals out. I listen to music, I go out with friends, I dedicate a good chunk of time to my spiritual and meditative pursuits. So I know there is nothing wrong with my ability to relax - what scares me is that I cant seem to relax for any length of time.

Last night I had nothing to do ... there was a bottle of wine, there were plenty of dvd's of my favourite programmes to watch, there was a comfy sofa ... I felt horrified; seriously agitated and not OK - depressed you could say. Life seemed meaningless and bleak, there was no purpose, no point to it all.

I don't like feeling like that and I know I can re frame this successfully and get back to feeling OK. Pleasure and achievement - the two vital components of behaviour, achievement is well sorted. Maybe I am defining relaxation by what other people think it is. Maybe I just need to play hard too!

Any suggestions welcome.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Intimacy and Blog Friends

Last night I had a wonderful time. It was the joint birthday of Fire Byrd and Trousers. We chose the Saturday which was equidistant between the two of them and celebrated accordingly.

There was no clubbing or raving or anything like that. What there was was companionship, intelligent conversation, good food and intimacy.

Intimacy is the final staging post of communication - the bit we get to after games when we no longer need to manipulate to get strokes. Intimacy is very real and feels wonderful because there is no need to pretend.

All of us, during the evening, commented on how blog friends often turn out to be people we feel most comfortable with. I believe it is because we achieve intimacy relatively quickly. Feelings are shared on the blog, opinions are aired on the blog and as there is no risk to relationship I believe there is a greater degree of honesty on the blog. Therefore intimacy is achieved.

A case in point. I am very close to Mei - again someone I met on the blog and at a blog party. Her openness and her hospitality are extraordinary. I trust her - yet in actual hours spent together I hardly know her. The blog established an intimacy that paved the way for what happened next.

Trousers went north of the Border to meet up with a blog friend he had never met. Fire Byrd travelled to a different continent to meet a blogger she had already established a strong bond with - the fact they had never met mattered not. I know a blogger in Australia that I would not hesitate to go visit.

It is an extraordinary phenomenon. It is blogging that delivers this - uniquely. It's not the domain of Face Book, for example (I would say disappearing half way round the world to meet a Face Book contact would be downright dangerous).

I think those who blog share so much of their inner world that the real person is seen, its hard to disguise malicious intent over the length of time and span of words that blogging requires - maybe I am too trusting but I for one welcome this spirit of sharing and hopefulness.

Long may it continue.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I will be blogging today - honest!

I have been down the black hole of CBT, full time (pressurised) job and the evil that is Facebook but as its the holidays I will be blogging again. Hopefully today if not then tomorrow. It all depends on fitting in a workout, having a bath and getting myself sorted before a night on the town with Trousers and Fire Byrd.

Will be catching up on all your lovely blogs too.