Saturday, April 12, 2008

Tidy Room - Tidy Mind - Big insight

I always know when I am feeling OK - a sense of inner peace and serenity pervading - when I get the urge to tidy.

I have been told I am a messy person - well yes I can be.

I have been accused of just leaving stuff around - well again, yes this is true.

However I am not an inherently messy person because I do love to tidy and organise.

In order to do this it has to get into a mess first! That is my undeniable logic.

There is a good reason why I develop a 'wall of shame' in my bedroom, or allow the bathroom shelf to get cluttered or let my jewelery fall into a state of shambolic disrepair. Its so I can tidy it up, and look at all the floor space, tidy pots of body stuff and sparkly bracelets and feel a sense of immense satisfaction!

I have had a blissful afternoon tidying. Tidying myself first and foremost by sorting out my exfoliants, my bath bubbles, melts and fizzing bath ballistics, organising the bathroom shelf into nail things, face creams, body lotions and the terribly satisfying shower shelf, shampoos in one bit, moisturisers in another - you get the picture.

Sorted out my reading material - my tottering pile of bedside books is now only 6 volumes high. My eclectic collection of esoteric symbolic jewelery is all sorted according to colour, wood, metal etc. Giving my Obsessive Compulsive part a run out has done me a power of good.

Eeee by gum its been grand!!!

As part of my inner journey through the medium of a tidying frenzy - I became aware of a script story I carry as part of my inner programme. Snow White. It hit me like a bolt of lightening; bring on all the rabbits and squirrels, the deer can help too - lets just get everything spick and span. In fact I am convinced that Snow White is more of a script story than Sleeping Beauty (the one I always thought it was) Snow White fits the bill a lot more - scarily so.

My Mum was a lovely Mum until I got to 14 - when I began to grow up and become a threat to her. My mother is a striking woman, jet black hair, emerald eyes, a sort of mediteranian look about her, shapely and tall - she always had an entourage of men in tow. I was born when she was 20 so she was also young.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all ...

My mother turned against me once I developed my own charms. Blonde hair, saphire blue eyes, a scandanavian look about me - shapely and tall. So when the men began to notice me she treated me in the most savage and brutal way. I endured 6 years of emotional and physical abuse from her until I finally left by the only means I knew how. I got married at 20 years old.

Then followed years of housework. Cooking, cleaning - caring for my man and my family. I was the perfect little Snow White, however as my lack of fullfillment began to grow like a tumour in my 'perfect' life so I began to entertain ideas of dying. The glass coffin was strangely seductive, I imagined I was ill - that it was terminal, I may as well have been dead as there was little joy in my life and the future seemed like a bleak and grey nothingness.

Thankfully I rejected the poisened apple my mother offered me; a life lived in unhappiness and I got myself out of the fairy tale.

Funny how tidying can lead to such musings - thought I would share it with you as I feel humbled by the knowledge. Our beliefs systems shape our lifes. Mine changed, I am so so grateful that it did.


Exmoorjane said...

Crikey,QV, that went deep. I confess my mother was lovely to me yet, in a weird way, I feel she has made me fat, or wanted me to be fat. Heck, it's all rather complex. I am so glad you got yourself out of the fairy tale - they usually seem to have pretty unhappy middles and (in the original versions) darn miserable ends too. Bravo for you for smashing the glass coffin.
I have not been around much in the blogosphere of late - too much ghastliness going on in real life...but it was lovely to find your comment and it gave me a good tug to come and read your blog...and so glad I did.
Hmm, about time I wrote about some of my ghosty experiences maybe...

Pixie said...

It's often the chance things that make us take a gasp and we realise a truth the once known was so blindingly obvious we wonder why it's taken us so long to see it.

Having a diffent theoretical framework to you I don't identify with the images you use, but do I know that I am changing and addressing shite that should have been dealt with years ago.

hugs sweetie

Nick said...

Goodness, that's a poignant story about your childhood and your joyless marriage. So many people have such upsetting memories buried in their past, unsuspected by other people. I'm glad you escaped the marriage and got your life back.

Kahless said...

Hi QV,

welcome back.

Queen Vixen said...

Exmoor: Great to see you back. Glad you liked my post - always good to read your stuff!

Pix: You are doing valiant work in undoing your negative script decisions. It may be different language we use - but its the same work.

Nick: Must say your comment got me thinking Nick, has made me have another look at the way I am presenting my story. I am actually still in my marriage. It is a totally different relationship now though. I have many other things in my life - many friends, characters, interests, paths - a whole different horizon. My mother and my family continue to be trapped in a contraining life with no independant thought. My father has just suffered a heart attack - a result of living a life in secret, my sister remains within a loveless marriage. It saddens me greatly. I miss my mum - there again I lost her years ago, still does not make it any better.

Kahless: Good to see you too.

Nick said...

Sorry I misunderstood you. So you've just reinvented your marriage! That's quite an achievement too when lots of women (and men) endure marriages that are totally unfulfilling but don't have the courage or ingenuity to change things. My mother was very much dominated by my overbearing father and constantly struggled to be herself.

trousers said...

Wow - quite a powerful post, for all sorts of reasons.

I know the satisfaction of tidying up (well, occasionally..), but I think the internal journeys and the scripts run most strongly for me when I'm on a long walk or cycle ride. There's something very symbolic I'm sure about going out and facing the elements, uphills, downhills and all the rest, knowing that I'll end up warm and cosy and glowing from the whole experience, and that's really just scratching the surface.

Great post, it starts out quite light really, but there's a hell of a lot to think about here. xx

Queen Vixen said...

Trousers: Thank you, I appreciate your appreciation. So much to go at on this subject. The challenge of the natural world and the cosy warmth after being out there is great. Says a lot :o)