Saturday, September 27, 2008

Talk about change ...

I dropped my son off at university today. He has gone to Aston - almost a stones throw away from the place I was born. Ironic or what. This was always going to be a tough day for me. Saying goodbye to my son was always going to be emotional - however I have always done my very best to encourage him to get out there and experience things. Today I was only reaping a harvest that I had deliberately sown. Didn't stop me crying though.

As I stood in the Autumn sunshine looking out over the high rise buildings of Birmingham my heart almost broke with the grief of all that I did not do all those years ago. I never had the university experience. I was so hamstrung by fear - fear of the World, fear that I may be corrupted by the World, fear of growing up ... fear of everything. I had it burned into my brain by my useless, puritanical religiously fanatical parents - their value system, their warped view of life, their stupid insular, dogmatic prison. I am aware that anger is part of grief and right now I am feeling angry.

I could tear their fecking heads off I am so angry.

I can never have what I lost at that time in my life. I have tried to get it ... boy have a tried to claw it back. I have achieved now. Yes, I do feel proud of what I have done but at this precise moment in time I can not let go of the rage I feel for their inadequate performance.

I am in a cold rage place. Very cold, very vengeful. I am accepting it, accounting for it - not projecting it away from me or denying it.

I am off to Oxford again tomorrow. More pale shadows of what I was cheated out of.

You can call me bitter - but right now that what I need to feel. Thats what is real to me as I contemplate how I stopped the rot for my children and had to climb out of the pit that had been prepared for me.

My son can make his own mind up about things. He has been prepared to embrace life.

I love him with my all.


Fire Byrd said...

You may have been in that pit for many years, but even when you were in it, you gave your children self belief in themselves.
You are a remarkable woman QV.
Yep you had a shit start, but have you made up for it since.
I am proud you have achieved what you have in the last 10 years.
And I'm even prouder that we are friends.
I love you loads
And hurry up in Oxford we need our nights out!!

DJ Kirkby said...

Good luck to both you and your son as you continue to move forward in your lives and to make the right choices.

trousers said...

Such an eloquent expression of anger - very powerful.

I would not call you bitter though (well even if you are bitter, it's not without damn good reason right now) - those last three sentences in the post show that you're turning it all to the good. More strength to you - as fire byrd says, you're a remarkable woman x

darth sardonic said...

sok to be mad, but if things hadn't happened that way back then you wouldn't be where you are now.

just saying.

Trixie said...

Agree with darth, they way you were brought up makes you the person you are now. And a great person at that!

Queen Vixen said...

Fire: Wow thanks! Yes we do need our nights out again. I am touched by your understanding and care for me.

dj: you are a constant on the blog. I thank you for it. Your words mean a lot.

Trousers: Again I am really humbled by your remarks. Thank you trousers.

Darth: 'clears throat' Woooooooooo I got a comment from Darth! So honoured by your attention Mr Sardonic.

Trix: Thanks Trix - I appreciate the support. Hope to meet you soon.

BlackenedBoy said...

If you've done right by your son than you did succeed.

I wish him all the best going off to school, which is such a huge transition in a person's life.

And I know all about that anger; sometimes the rage I feel towards my parents is so intense that it makes me shake.

You just have to do the best you can and completely reject their twisted ideology.