Feeling Grizzly

I feel crap! Like I am ricocheting off the walls of a prison. Its not very pleasant and does not actually happen very often, and I know the kinds of things that trigger it off.

I am usually a jolly Queenie, and I like that about me, lots of sparkle and good vibes but I don't feel like that right now. Far from it, I feel sick and trapped and unhappy.

Light and shadow - its all important, and when I feel lost, writing helps, connecting helps, so here I am, doing just that. Thanks to the special people in my life that I have already shared some of this pain with. You are so important to me and I love you.

I went somewhere this morning and I got very angry. I wont disclose exactly where because its unprofessional and as I have not blasted the person concerned directly its also somewhat cowardly to do it here. Needless to say, I felt very put down and discounted. As I sat there being aware of my feelings I was also aware of how I was not doing anything about it, oh sure, I did express that I was not too chuffed with what was going on, but I did not get angry (my main repressed emotion) and I did not tell the culprit to f**k off, stick her Po faced views up her own arse and never ever speak to me again. Why? Because I am too 'nice' because I allow people to express all of their ugliness and accept it like a total passive idiot but when it comes to me losing it, I bring in all the circuit breakers that prevent me actually doing something meaningful like shouting, screaming, storming off, fighting - yes fighting. Allowing all that 'good girl' anger to burst out of me in one wonderfully liberating punch to the nose - blood would be good.

As you can tell, I am already directing the anger inwards at myself and my passivity which is another nice little unproductive trick that I play. So instead of that I am going to direct it outwards to the object of my anger and rant, here goes.

So who the f**k do you think you are saying those things to me, and behaving in the way you do. I should have ripped your bloody head off for having the arrogance to sit there in judgement of me and come over all 'critical parent', when in fact you have no evidence of success behind you at all. Maybe that's the problem, you are jealous of me - raving jealousy. I am the one with the success, I am the one with the warmth and I am the one with the friends. So shut it, don't you ever speak to me like that again. I don't like you, I don't like being with you, I don't like anything about you. Go away. Go as far away as you possibly can and never come back. Keep your high handed judgement away from me, don't dare to criticise or sit there with cold contempt. Look at yourself, that's where the problem lies. I wont lie down and let you walk all over me again, you are going to get the truth of it next time and you are not going to like it. I will crush you, your sense of self is so so fragile and its only my understanding of that that keeps me from doing it to you. The things I want to say to you will hurt, go deep and wound because they have the blade of truth attached to them, the things you dont dare look at .... ok, so now I am starting to scare myself. Anger can turn very ugly when left to fester for years and years and years.

Ok .... deep breath.... yeh, I do feel a bit better, but very guilty. The person concerned is a real person, she is fundamentally ok, I know that - and this is a learning edge for me, she is a gift (- but how much of that is my stuff? Do I continually stay around people that are not good for me? I am not sure).

OK ... another deep breath. The purpose of anger is to effect change and preserve personal boundaries. I need to change this situation, I also have to protect myself. I will do that and in a way writing this post has been helpful, I am prepared to accept her limitations as well as my own. Anger done right should bring me to this place.

Thanks for listening guys. I am going to publish this, I am going to own my shadow but I will offer you this promise ...normal service will be resumed shortly :o)