Sunday, July 22, 2007

Feeling Grizzly

I feel crap! Like I am ricocheting off the walls of a prison. Its not very pleasant and does not actually happen very often, and I know the kinds of things that trigger it off.

I am usually a jolly Queenie, and I like that about me, lots of sparkle and good vibes but I don't feel like that right now. Far from it, I feel sick and trapped and unhappy.

Light and shadow - its all important, and when I feel lost, writing helps, connecting helps, so here I am, doing just that. Thanks to the special people in my life that I have already shared some of this pain with. You are so important to me and I love you.

I went somewhere this morning and I got very angry. I wont disclose exactly where because its unprofessional and as I have not blasted the person concerned directly its also somewhat cowardly to do it here. Needless to say, I felt very put down and discounted. As I sat there being aware of my feelings I was also aware of how I was not doing anything about it, oh sure, I did express that I was not too chuffed with what was going on, but I did not get angry (my main repressed emotion) and I did not tell the culprit to f**k off, stick her Po faced views up her own arse and never ever speak to me again. Why? Because I am too 'nice' because I allow people to express all of their ugliness and accept it like a total passive idiot but when it comes to me losing it, I bring in all the circuit breakers that prevent me actually doing something meaningful like shouting, screaming, storming off, fighting - yes fighting. Allowing all that 'good girl' anger to burst out of me in one wonderfully liberating punch to the nose - blood would be good.

As you can tell, I am already directing the anger inwards at myself and my passivity which is another nice little unproductive trick that I play. So instead of that I am going to direct it outwards to the object of my anger and rant, here goes.

So who the f**k do you think you are saying those things to me, and behaving in the way you do. I should have ripped your bloody head off for having the arrogance to sit there in judgement of me and come over all 'critical parent', when in fact you have no evidence of success behind you at all. Maybe that's the problem, you are jealous of me - raving jealousy. I am the one with the success, I am the one with the warmth and I am the one with the friends. So shut it, don't you ever speak to me like that again. I don't like you, I don't like being with you, I don't like anything about you. Go away. Go as far away as you possibly can and never come back. Keep your high handed judgement away from me, don't dare to criticise or sit there with cold contempt. Look at yourself, that's where the problem lies. I wont lie down and let you walk all over me again, you are going to get the truth of it next time and you are not going to like it. I will crush you, your sense of self is so so fragile and its only my understanding of that that keeps me from doing it to you. The things I want to say to you will hurt, go deep and wound because they have the blade of truth attached to them, the things you dont dare look at .... ok, so now I am starting to scare myself. Anger can turn very ugly when left to fester for years and years and years.

Ok .... deep breath.... yeh, I do feel a bit better, but very guilty. The person concerned is a real person, she is fundamentally ok, I know that - and this is a learning edge for me, she is a gift (- but how much of that is my stuff? Do I continually stay around people that are not good for me? I am not sure).

OK ... another deep breath. The purpose of anger is to effect change and preserve personal boundaries. I need to change this situation, I also have to protect myself. I will do that and in a way writing this post has been helpful, I am prepared to accept her limitations as well as my own. Anger done right should bring me to this place.

Thanks for listening guys. I am going to publish this, I am going to own my shadow but I will offer you this promise ...normal service will be resumed shortly :o)


Kahless said...

Stay in this place as long as you like Queen Vixen, its your blog-place.

If this person is toxic, who says you have to have them in your life. Tell them to fuck off if that is what you really want to do.

(mmm. Dont think I listen to my own advice though!) :o)


Anonymous said...

Hello QV,

Think first. Becoming someones enemy is as important a commitment as becoming someones spouse.

Life is like a math problem; the answers we cannot find in our heads, we must live out in our lives.

And, from my perspective, anger is only the frustration we feel when we don't understand.

Have fun, C:)

DJ Kirkby said...

Hope you work through this in a fashion that leaves you satisifed with the outcome, no matter what it may be.

Böbø said...

Oh QV honey, don't hold back: shit, fuck, bollocks, wank!. Anger is tricky emotion to express, particularly if you feel you'll either lose control of it, or the other person will be overwhelmed or even destroyed by it. I know, I don't do anger very well either.

Callous Uncaring Nasty Tithead Shits ... or CUNTS, to use the acronym ... carry a nasty plague. They infect innocents with a disabling rage.

Now we know that in therapy world people aren't supposed to "make" you feel anything. You have to own your feelings. But we also know that deliberating attempting to make a person feel not OK and discount them is an aggressive act, inviting an aggressive response.

And of course her put-downs were a form of backhanded complement. You are so good she has to try and make you look bad so that she can feel good about herself. There's no point having a pop at the little people - that just looks like bullying. Though of course, she was bullying you too.

Now you know better than me the range of responses available. In the moment you chose Adapted Child, and mildly protested your annoyance.

Your rant exhibits a delicious Rebellious Child coupled with a negative Controlling Parent. Well I'm all in favour of uninhibited girl-on-girl fight action. Women's Wrestling and Foxy Boxing are unappreciated sports. But I can see that blood spots might be frowned upon in your setting.

Plus your own guilt at even feeling anger remotely, justifies the cost of ones personal therapy alone.

Do you continually stay around people who are not good for you? You know the answer to that, don't you.

I'm also noticing the lack of protection within the meeting from others in the room, and wonder what that is about. It seems strange for such abusiveness to go unchallenged, and something to hold the facilitator to account for too.

Now, take a deep breath, go and sharpen your sword, and let your fantasies slip into your shadow side. You are a nice person. And a credit to yourself for being so. But you can dream dark dreams.


Kahless said...

Callous Uncaring Nasty Tithead Shits
not heard that one before. Only heard the Cee U Next Tuesday phrase.
I'll have to remember that one.

Chopski said...

Callous Uncaring Nasty Tithead Shits? Not too sure about that one, sounds like a bit of a mouthfull!
Hope you're feeling more chilled today!!

Queen Vixen said...

Hello everybody - and thank you for all your comments and support. Its always difficult to publish stuff which is uncomfortable and I do feel better today, I will post about it shortly.

K: I appreciate your words and your permissions. I have allowed this situation to fester and get out of control. The person concerned is not someone I naturally like, and I have allowed her to become far too close to me because I did not want to hurt her feelings. I did not think about 'me' in any way and by doing so simply re inforced a message my mother gave me about children at 'the church' that I did not want to play with. In other words, think of their feelings at all time and turn the other cheek.

Craig: Thanks for your take on this, I dont want to become this persons enemy - I would prefer to be neutral. I have understood what is at the bottom of this situation for a long time and have not wanted to aknowledge it, hence it has become a false relationship. We often live out our problems in our lives and in our process.

Dj: I have made some decisions - it will work out in the end.

Bobo: Thank you for your understanding and advice, and for the length of your reply. A lot of care went into that and I appreciate it. The facilitator did step in at one point, but she has no 'teeth' and the damage was already done. I think there is an added complication as the facilitator actually gets paid a lot by the person concerned (in a proffessional capacity), this is not the same for the others in the group. I think that showed in the way the attacker was 'handled with care' while we were allowed to be savaged. My sword is sharp lol and I do like the anacronym. I usually take offense at the C word as I think the C word is actually rather beautiful, (I am presuming Anglo Saxon) and used totally inappropriately, so your deffinition has shed a whole new light of appropriatness onto it.

Chop: Bit more chipper today chopper - thanks.

Anonymous said...

Hey QV, what a horrible position to be in. Huge hugs for acknowledging, expressing and understanding your authentic angry response.

After all, out there in the "real" world, if someone pisses us off, we tell them. Why should supervision groups be any different?

There are some people in the therapy world for whom a swift verbal slapping is the best answer. Failing up, get up and give the dirty bitch bag a left hook (tee hee, naughty rebellious Child me).

Failing that the following hugely pompous and patronising putdown may have the desired effect, that's if she's not too thick to understand it lol:

"Do you mean to insinuate that I have to tolerate the diabiabolical insolence of you, you flabbergasting piece of animosity." There you go, hard to say, even harder to fit on the bog standard pithy fridge magnet, but tingly satisfying in an I'm Okay, you're just such an arse kind of a way.

Stay true to yourself, you know you are okay. You are voting with your feet, good for you.


Queen Vixen said...

H: Thanks I am voting with my feet, its not running away its taking the sensible decision. I am getting nothing from this group.