Fond Farewell

Phew! What a day! I go on holiday tomorrow for two weeks and I have worked right up until the last moment. As I type, I am sitting up in bed with my lap top, squeezing in this last message before I go.

I am really going to miss my blog - and you my blog chums. I need the rest but I reckon I will have to cope with 'cold turkey' for the first few days. I do have my phone though, (will have to have some technology and contact with the outside world), and I will send the odd twitter by text - I have no delusions about you all logging on to read my twitter but I shall amuse myself with it none the less.

I am going to Wales. I know its not exotic, or warm or abroad, but I like Pembrokeshire - I like Wales in general, its the celtic stuff that appeals, as well as the oldest European language in existance. It is also a very spiritual place, the energy is wonderful. I intend to visit an iron age encampment, go on a boat trip to the off shore islands, go riding, visit the Preselli hills (where the Stonehenge Bluestones came from), the rock does wierd things to my pendulum and the kids experience wierd, cool hippy witchy Mom pride and 'I am not with this woman' embarrasment.

It will also be Lammas while I am away so I am taking my earthy green dress, and promise to sneak it into the iron age fort and get some pics. I think the kids will deffinately be in 'I am not with this woman' mode on that day.

I will go cliff walking, visit some cromlechs, go wierdy shopping and hopefully come back rested and tanned (pardon me while I laugh ironically) and ready for the next part of my adventure. I am taking a whole bag of books, and intend to read, to chill, to make lists and get everything sorted in my head. A tall order but with some fairly harsh boundary setting and ignoring the requests for my usual 'holiday camp' style of manic activity I will get a lot done. A lot of chilling, a lot of thinking, a lot of doing absolutely bugger all. Oh yes and I am taking my 'Why am I so disorganised' book - so that I can come back a changed woman.

Right, I think thats about it for tonight. Dont forget me while I am gone and I shall tell you all about it when I get back, plus pics!

Love you all and Blessed Be!

A Positive Experience

Hello all you wonderful people out there. I have appreciated all your support over the last couple of days after my 'bad do' on Sunday.

Today I had an entirely different experience - entirely postive - it has restored my faith in supervision and in my own abilities as a therapist, and dare I say it, as a Supervisor! I am finding that I am slipping comfortably into the role of Supervisor with members of my group, indeed my Principle Supervisor has already told me that I need to aim for this as my next goal. Not that I have an Almost Type II Script, oh no no, of course not (shuffle) - Almost Type II means that you never stay long enough in one place to enjoy success, because success is not allowed, so instead you move quickly to the next goal and are forever climbing mountains.

Anyway, today I found the group totally supportive, we actually did Treatment Planning (shock!), Case Studies (gasp!), and Structured Study (faint!). In other words, what we should be doing as opposed to navel gazing, disecting every little nuance of behaviour, and destroying each others confidence. Sooooo, hip hip hooray for my fabby fab fab Supervisor, and wonderfully professional and decent group members. Hoorays all round. Especially for my Supervisor who reckons we should all stop being so f**king precious and get on with life. He also commended me for having a cider hang over saying that I am far 'too good' for my own good. Moi? Too Good????!! Maybe he is right hehehe. I need far more bad behaviour!

So there you are, I feel so much better, cheers guys!

Having slept on it ...

I am feeling in better shape today, after my bad experience and my rant. I still woke up this morning with the traces of negativity swirling around in my energy field. Spookily my Angel Card for yesterday was 'Surrender' - that is my least favourite of all, and it turned out to be beautifully accurate. In fact I took my Athame (ritual knife) and performed a banishing to rid myself of the 'Surrender' energy and drew a new card - it was the blank one. That is preferable! It means I was mistress of my own destiny today, I may leave it in place for the entire week!

Being mistress of my own destiny I decided that the group I attended yesterday was destructive, it highlighted a part of my Script which tells me that I have to stick around with people I don't like because if I tell them I don't like them, or refuse to 'play' then they may get upset.

So? I hear you say.

Well yes so what?

That's where I am. I have been repeatedly put down by this person, she has been rude and dominating and all the time I have been caring for her feelings and suppressing my own.

"Turn the other cheek, be a nice girl, they need a little friend" - Oh shut up mother and maybe if you had stood up for me a bit more then I would have learnt that I don't have to take all the crap people throw in my direction and can actually set boundaries that mean things are healthier and more honest for all concerned.

I have also worked out that this person has their own 'I am the best in all the world' Script and is therefore attracted to people who are prepared to play 'stupid' in order to keep her safe. Well I am not going to do that either - its all wrong!

So I have contacted a new supervisor, I am researching the possibility of another and i am voting with my feet. If there are any questions I will answer honestly and if the responses are hostile then I will tell the person concerned I am no longer willing to discuss the matter and the subject is closed. Time to move on, time to protect me; Time to act like a grown up.

I spoke to the other person in the group this morning and he felt the same as me. He was angry and upset too - he has made the same decision. Its a shame for both of us as we like working together but hanging on to a bad situation because there is one good bit in it is ridiculous. Not going to do it.

So there you are, thank you for being so supportive. I can feel my jolliness returning by the hour. I had both clients cancel this evening, (in answer to my silent prayer) so I am going to have a bath and read a good book. Going to put oils in my bath, light my 'Water' candles for love and contentment in relationship, and light some incense. Ahhhh the thought of it induces relaxation so the reality will be even better.

Blogland is great! Thanks for being there!

Feeling Grizzly

I feel crap! Like I am ricocheting off the walls of a prison. Its not very pleasant and does not actually happen very often, and I know the kinds of things that trigger it off.

I am usually a jolly Queenie, and I like that about me, lots of sparkle and good vibes but I don't feel like that right now. Far from it, I feel sick and trapped and unhappy.

Light and shadow - its all important, and when I feel lost, writing helps, connecting helps, so here I am, doing just that. Thanks to the special people in my life that I have already shared some of this pain with. You are so important to me and I love you.

I went somewhere this morning and I got very angry. I wont disclose exactly where because its unprofessional and as I have not blasted the person concerned directly its also somewhat cowardly to do it here. Needless to say, I felt very put down and discounted. As I sat there being aware of my feelings I was also aware of how I was not doing anything about it, oh sure, I did express that I was not too chuffed with what was going on, but I did not get angry (my main repressed emotion) and I did not tell the culprit to f**k off, stick her Po faced views up her own arse and never ever speak to me again. Why? Because I am too 'nice' because I allow people to express all of their ugliness and accept it like a total passive idiot but when it comes to me losing it, I bring in all the circuit breakers that prevent me actually doing something meaningful like shouting, screaming, storming off, fighting - yes fighting. Allowing all that 'good girl' anger to burst out of me in one wonderfully liberating punch to the nose - blood would be good.

As you can tell, I am already directing the anger inwards at myself and my passivity which is another nice little unproductive trick that I play. So instead of that I am going to direct it outwards to the object of my anger and rant, here goes.

So who the f**k do you think you are saying those things to me, and behaving in the way you do. I should have ripped your bloody head off for having the arrogance to sit there in judgement of me and come over all 'critical parent', when in fact you have no evidence of success behind you at all. Maybe that's the problem, you are jealous of me - raving jealousy. I am the one with the success, I am the one with the warmth and I am the one with the friends. So shut it, don't you ever speak to me like that again. I don't like you, I don't like being with you, I don't like anything about you. Go away. Go as far away as you possibly can and never come back. Keep your high handed judgement away from me, don't dare to criticise or sit there with cold contempt. Look at yourself, that's where the problem lies. I wont lie down and let you walk all over me again, you are going to get the truth of it next time and you are not going to like it. I will crush you, your sense of self is so so fragile and its only my understanding of that that keeps me from doing it to you. The things I want to say to you will hurt, go deep and wound because they have the blade of truth attached to them, the things you dont dare look at .... ok, so now I am starting to scare myself. Anger can turn very ugly when left to fester for years and years and years.

Ok .... deep breath.... yeh, I do feel a bit better, but very guilty. The person concerned is a real person, she is fundamentally ok, I know that - and this is a learning edge for me, she is a gift (- but how much of that is my stuff? Do I continually stay around people that are not good for me? I am not sure).

OK ... another deep breath. The purpose of anger is to effect change and preserve personal boundaries. I need to change this situation, I also have to protect myself. I will do that and in a way writing this post has been helpful, I am prepared to accept her limitations as well as my own. Anger done right should bring me to this place.

Thanks for listening guys. I am going to publish this, I am going to own my shadow but I will offer you this promise ...normal service will be resumed shortly :o)

Been Pottering

I have just been to see the latest Harry Potter film. I had a long term plan to see it, but did not expect to go quite this early... However a bored daughter and a rainy afternoon made the decision for me.

We went in the Deluxe screen as she "did not want to sit with the Chavs because they talk and belch all the way through" - her words not mine, so don't have a go at me. I duly forked up a ridiculous amount to go 'posh' only to be sitting by the greatest self proclaimed Harry Potter expert known to man, who talked all the way through! At least there was no belching but there was plenty of rustling as she had bought all her own snacks in super noisy plastic bags. I was not best pleased.

Anyway, the film was good. I enjoyed it. I read the first four books but got very bogged down in the fifth and have to confess to giving up with it. This proved to be a bonus as I had no idea what was going to happen and gave the film an extra edge. Thrills and spills, even a bit of romance. Defense of the Dark Arts teacher was absolutely fabulous. All chintz and boucle twin setts - the most sadistic of them all.

Harry seemed to have turned into a 'Greenwoods' man - by that I don't mean some magical reference to male magic, but he had turned into a bit of a geek. Ganzy and slacks! By far the most fanciable prospect was Lucius Malfoy - is it just me or does he get better with age? Very nice indeed - but then again I am a sucker for the high necked magical robe and long flowing hair. He stole the show. Lunar was lovely too. Ahh, she has to be the potential soul mate for the prematurely old mans fashion victim Potter. She was very lovely actually, and the kind of girl I would have hung out with at school.

I also had a bag of Revels. I was hoping for pic n mix - shrimps and refresher chews being my favourite, but being the posh Delux all the sweeties were in bags. Sooo Revels it was, although there were far too many maltesers and no where near enough orange ones.

I do like the whole Potter thing - it has done a lot to bring all things magical into the mainstream arena, although real witchy magick is not a bit like the stuff in the books. Some bits in Potter have shadows of the truth in there and oh how I wish I could ride a broomstick like they do. The films are also getting darker - I like that. Its worth a watch - and has inspired me to read the last two books!

The Joy of Buxton

I have spent the day in Buxton in the torrential rain. I had a rare day off, a gift as my one client for the day cancelled last night and I knew then that I could relax and chill and do something for me. I will be back to a full 'surgery' tomorrow and supervision Sunday so today was great.

I decided to go to Buxton because there is the best witchy shop there. I love witchy shops they are just wonderful. The smell of them is delicious, incense and resins. There are candles and mystical tools, they are veritable treasure troves of imagination. I got my last dress and garland from there and they have a nice native American bow with hand made arrows nestling in a corner, and my lovely silver bit of plastic has been so redundant lately. I want a bow - and a quiver full of arrows, I can feel an Artemis phase coming on.

But the shop was shut - rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Not fair - not good, all that way for nothing. I was not best pleased, its all very well for t'internet to corner the market in esoteric and magical supplies but it puts the little witchy shops out of business. There is just no substitute for handling that crystal and feeling if the energy is right, or looking through all the velvet dresses, and accessories; A grizzly picture on the internet cannot convey whether the pentacle you want is the right one, whether the spirit calls to you. The way things are going the only witchy shops in business will be the ones in Glastonbury. (They are totally fab by the way).

The window was dressed beautifully with all sorts of tempting goodies and the most gorgeous gothic blue dress was calling out to me. MMMMMmmm that would have got tried on for sure. But alas it was not to be. I wanted a goddess amulet for my new car too - the old one is the wrong colour scheme (how girlie am I?).

There was a hand scribbled note on the door informing the punters of the opening times (modest to say the least) and then a blessing, "merry we meet, merry we part and merry we meet again". Cold comfort I can assure you! There will be no merry meeting unless I am prepared to haul my ass over there on Tuesdays and Saturdays between 10 and 4. Unlikely!

Guess I had better get browsing for all my esoteric needs, a witch can only stand up for principle for so long. Magical tools need purchasing. In fact after the success of my knob - ahem - staff purchase on ebay I will go and have a shufty.

So if you see a witchy, wierdy shop in your locality - please support it!

Last One

Ok so here is the last one of the Kahless quizes - yep I reckon this is spot on too!

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Ok so this is getting spooky

I am a therapist after all, and yes I do give too much. I do all that sparkly stuff and attention getting behaviour - I am a Queen after all, but this is the inner me. Isnt it wierd how these crappy internet thingies can so often be true - or are we just looking for stuff that resonantes. Who knows? who cares? - I have enjoyed it!

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you. It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them. You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first. Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love. And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Wow - yep thats me

Kahless you are a star - this is brill! lol This is such fun, and this is sooo me! So who is a newborn soul and a prophet soul then, because you need to be coming my way baby :o)

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles. Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally! Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Past Life

Thanks to Kahless for this one, oh what fun - oh how spooky bearing in mind my real life heritage.

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Charming Viking. Where You Lived: Norway. How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Guilty Secrets

I have had an indulgent afternoon. I went to sleep with Lewis in the crook of my arm. Such bliss! Then I woke up with a stiff neck and we went to see what we could find in the fridge.

Let me explain - I was boiling a pan for the 'worthy' pasta and Lewis wanted to explore the delights of the kitchen so I got to thinking about the 12 pack of Doritos in the cupboard. From the Doritos I quickly went to the fridge to see if I could find a dip. Oh joy! There was a fresh pot of guacamole and a whole Camembert cheese. Well I fished out the pot of jalapeno chillies as well and Lewis and I amused ourselves crunching on the various delicacies.

After all that delicious naughtiness I had a look in the bottle fridge. Since I gave up alcohol its usually full of spring water, cokes and lager (for male members of house) but Blessed Be - what should be lurking in the back of the fridge but a beautiful, seductive, sensuous brown bottle of organic premium west country cider.

I love cider - the more scrumpy like and real it is the better. Wooden press and everything. Deep in the West country, brewed in wooden vats with things living in the sludge at the bottom that would defy micro biology. And the effect - well, relaxed is not the word. Receptive is more like it. Cider is to be drunk in hay fields with a willing partner, and warm nights of pleasure promised with every whisper of the playful breeze. Oooohhh cider - its fantastic!

The words 'addict' and 'fix' spring to mind when describing the haste with which I located the bottle opener, suppressed the 'noooooo' voice and gulped down the cloudy liquid. Aaaagggghhhh! I've gone all shivery at the thought.

Just a few mouthfuls and now its tucked away with cling film and foil (best way to retain the fizz 'thanks Pixie') awaiting my next sin laden moment of surrender.

As of now the wholewheat pasta is boiling away and my roasted veg sauce about to be consumed. Maybe if I try really hard and pretend I never did it, it wont have ever happened. Yeh right - tried that one before!

Hey guys - the sun has come out

Quick you might miss it - the sun is shining. I am contemplating going outside and lying on the lawn. Wow! and its only July! OK, so I am blogging and not out in the sun, but I still have my strappy top and shorts on, so its a step in the right direction. Plus my sunglasses are on the desk ready for a spot of garden reading.

What a miserable fish pond, sodden, mud puddle of a Summer. I don't usually do weather stuff - its just 'past timing' and therefore not even approaching intimacy - but today I feel inspired to comment.

My kitten also ventured out today - he was captivated by the grass, and the little flies and all the gorgeous smells of Summer(ish). Once the lawn mower started he ran at 100 miles an hour into the glass of the patio doors. Bless! All is well and he is on my lap as I tap the keyboard.

I am hoping to blog later. I have a massage client - so will be suitably relaxed and I want to do a worthy post on Transference. May even do a bit on why we get attracted to the people that we do. For Phhhhooooaaarrr read "I can do my script with you". Not sure whether its best to run the other way or dive in for the ride. I love the whole chemistry of attraction - the endless interaction of the subconscious and all that we really know about each other but never say. I also learned over the weekend that the root word for Eros - or erotic love is 'the life force'. Well Amen to that, it energises and invigorates and is just peachy.

So there you are, I can feel an urge to keep blogging but the sun is shining and I just cannot ignore it.

Oh yes there is one thing more, I pick an angel card every week to give me an insight into the energy that may be around for me. I don't do Angels by and large - too many organised religious overtones (you know how totally sensitive I am about that - 'Thou Shalt Not' being the watchword of my childhood) but I like my little angel cards, and this week it was Courage. I like that one.

I was courageous yesterday in my Practice Meeting at the Surgery and boldly stated what I wanted and what I was not prepared to put up with. I was courageous in the way I handled the end of training goodbyes - and I have decided to leave another supervision group and join a new one - more courage. No cowardly lion for me this week. It feels good, it feels nice and adult.

I am generally a brave person, I put myself on the front line a lot of the time (don't do anger but my therapist tells me I am beautifully assertive) so courage is OK for me this week. Next week I hope for Power, or Love - Play and Abundance would be nice too. Joy, Beauty and Adventure are also big favourites.

OK so now I am rambling and I have to move my car - see you later!

Back Again

Hello all you lovely Bloggers out there. Sorry for being so quiet but I had my end of training conference this weekend. I had the best time, and I only cried the once (good for me; I don't do endings very well.)

So its all over. 5 long years. I am unrecognisable from the woman that walked up the stone steps and into the training room all those years ago. Back then my target was to see out the first weekend, my aim was to fit into a group - my long term goal was to change my career and my life. Managed to achieve all of that!

I feel a massive sense of accomplishment, and a thankfulness for all the wonderful people that I have met and worked with over the years. Some of them have become my best friends, and we have such deep knowledge of each other, such intimacy - the good bits and the bad, it is a gift and an honour.

I want to write a much more detailed post on the subject of 'Transference' which was the theme of the conference, but as I have a grizzly Yellow Pages sales man about to turn up then I have not got the time needed to do the subject justice. However, I would just like to say that it is essentially 'Magick' - all that stuff that goes on between people out of conscious awareness is incredibly powerful, and can be used to heal effectively, and to understand and to change our lives.

The Party on Saturday night was absolutely fab. I wore my full witchy regalia - will have to post pic for you when I get a copy, and it felt good to be so 'out'. This is me, guys, and yes I do strange things with knives and chalices.

I view my witchy stuff as deep psychology - symbolic ritual that is the only way to contact the 'deep self' - the bit that has to have the altered brainwaves before anything can happen. I would go as far as to suggest that wicca is very much the symbolic enactment of a lot of psychotherapy. A way to access early memory, unconscious process, Child Ego state, repressed emotion. I am endlessly fascinated by it ...

So there I was in my long velvet red gown complete with yellow flower garland and I felt fab. I was presented with my Psychosexual qualification - and we all clapped everyone elses achievements. After much wine, flowing conversation we had the disco. Our DJ, a fellow student with healthy pagan tendencies had made a dress code pact with me, so he turned up in formal dress with a wonderful top hat resplendent with Celtic silver craft. Pity the music was a bit crap, difficult to dance to, Rocky Horror and Rod Stewart but a good time was had by all. I indulged in some sensuous salsa - mmmmm yummy, must get enrolled at a local class - and got twirled and spun round. It was lovely.

Final goodbyes were not as emotional as I thought they would be, we had a farewell Class of 2002 photo, and all agreed to meet up for a 'Seminar Club' - I am in charge of organising, (its sad how people that have become very special to us can drift when just a little effort to keep it together would work wonders), so once a month or so we will be having a curry and a free seminar at the training institute and a chat into the wee small hours.

Nothing comes close to the attachment I have felt in this group, nothing else in my life provides this kind of intimacy and structure. Nothing else has been so special, so 'mine' - I proved to myself that I CAN belong, that I CAN be close and that I CAN be important, and be loved for who I am - warts and all (not literally of course - being a witch and having warts does not necessarily go together).

So there you have it, that's where I have been over the weekend, and I shall tell you all about the spooky and powerful phenomenon of 'Transference' next time.

Hugs xxx

PS Next academic year I am going into Exam Group - dissertation beckons, and my Masters, I am entirely ready for the journey.

"And Nothing Else Matters"

I am sitting at my computer. There is a gentle drizzle on the window pane, and I would get up and make myself a cup of tea but I have a kitten stretched out on my lap and he is so comfortable that it would be a shame to move him. Soooo here I am about to write about Metallica.

I went to London last weekend to see the Gods of Rock themselves. I was first introduced to Metallica when I went back to work after raising my kids to a suitable age (where not having mom around was not too traumatic). There were two completely hilarious youths in the office who played their metal music loud and proud. (It was an Internet web company which meant office discipline was pretty much non existent). I was very taken with the music, and enjoyed my time reliving my missing teenage hood in the company of these two young men. It was the best time ever! lol

When my own son hit 16 he adopted the Heavy Rock persona with gusto. Having already been au fait with Korn, Limp Biscuit, Rob Zombie and Metallica it was not too much of a struggle to live life to a rifftastic musical background. In fact it becomes somewhat addictive, where anything that does not have a bass line that vibrates your ribcage is just for girls.

I digress, on Sunday night Metallica played Wembly Stadium. The show started at 4.30 with the various support acts (Mastodon - great!, Machine Head - fantastic! and Him - who had a really bad reception but were actually very good) and the Main Men hit the stage later on in the evening. What a show it was! I have been to many gigs - big names, big stars and was so close to Sting at a Police gig once that I saw him wink at me and we exchanged a 'silent' conversation. But this ....My goodness, this was something else.

The atmosphere was fantastic. The music was SO LOUD. The sense of belonging and common purpose was powerful. In fact a Metallica or indeed any kind of big venue rock concert is my prescription for anyone suffering from a 'don't belong' and 'don't enjoy' toxic parent message. It was amazing. I shouted, I danced, I joined in all the chants - I exorcised my mother - it was an incredible experience.

The Band did not put a foot wrong, they were consumate proffessionals. There was not a note out of place. It was big stadium rock at its best. From the opening big screen video clip and evocative soundtrack (from the grave scene in The Good, the Bad and The Ugly) to the final moment when the band stood arm in arm and saluted the crowd, it was a truimph! The musicianship was breathtaking, the star quality was off the scale, the intimacy was truly unbelievable. I am still in a daze.

All the band were brilliant but I want to mention James Hetfield. If ever there was a man who embodied the energy of the Horned God its him. Sex on legs, and he is well over 40 too! He was captivating. To watch him move, the fire in his limbs - it was a whole out of body experience. He was a man in total control of himself and the 90,000 strong crowd. It was electrifying. He had supreme confidence and self belief, it was magical to watch. God energy! Masculine force! It felt good to have a philosophy such as mine with which to frame the experience. Wow it felt good!

There is time for responsibility, and worthiness. There is time to be humble and to travel the inner path of serenity, but the physis - or energy of the soul, the sheer passion of the human spirit needs a run out too, and that gig on Sunday was such a brilliant way to do it. Liberating!

There is no sound like the deep throated roar of so many people. None of us wanted to leave. It felt as if the night could last forever, that we could hold that moment in time and be free, expressive, invigorated. Of course we had to leave but
travelling back across London was a fitting end to a wonderful day. All of us were packed onto the train, never seen so many piercings in one place, the camaraderie and common purpose gave me a warm glow - even the family room at the Travel Lodge seemed like a palace!

Long live Metallica!

Wizards Staff

I've got a staff - a real magic Wizard's Staff, its got a knob on the end and everything... and before any of you say it, I have NOT got a Wizard's Sleeve, heaven forbid (shudder)

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
It never will buckle, it never will bend
He cherishes it, and he calls it his friend,
and he frequently takes it in hand.

I went out to jolly old Sainsbury's this morning and when I got back there was a tall and upstanding parcel leaning against my door. I know it is usual to have parcels containing shoes or books but mine had a beautiful silver birch wiccan staff in it. Fab!

A wizard when young has a staff that is small.
It's puny and weak, ineffective withal.
It grows with his power until it stands tall
As his fame and his glory expand

It was my gift to me for losing another 4lbs in weight. It goes with my wand, which is rowan, and is now standing proud behind my altar to the male force (conveniently placed by my bed) ready to leap into action should any Balrogs try to cross my bridge.

When a wizard is old, and is starting to fade
He looks on his staff that with cunning he made
The crown of his life and the tool of his trade
And together they make their last stand.

I am extraordinarily pleased with my purchase and also pleased to have both wand and staff - symbols of the element of Fire; for passion, inspiration and action. Cant wait to have a proper fiddle with it - a good bit of wielding can be very satisfying.

Mad Woman

There seems to be a call from various quarters for me to take my life in my hands and post the pic of me at the Metallica concert.

I did warn you it was not a pretty sight! Please be gentle - no wicked comments you lot, and remember I do still have 14 pounds to lose.

Tomorrow you get the full majesty of the concert including some pics of the kids - they are a lot prettier.

Lewis

Well I am too knackered to do the Metallica blog but I will post this short one to introduce my kitten Lewis. Ahhh bless. He is the friendliest little thing and completely adorable, although the sardine breath aint too clever!

ps. I only put on half a pound so I am well chuffed!

Honey, I'm Home

I have landed back in the heart of rural England after my fun packed weekend 'down the smoke'. What a weekend it was! Metallica were truly awesome. I have been to some big venues, and seen a lot of live music in my time, Eagles, Elton John, The Police, Duran Duran (at the peak of their power) - but these guys. I am speechless. I will be posting a big 'In praise of Metallica' blog either later on (depending on whether I am knackered after my client tonight) or Thursday. I have pics so it will be worth waiting for.

At the present moment I am just waiting to go and be weighed at Slimming World. My 10lbs weight loss is under threat as I managed to eat

Fish and Chips
Full French meal - on pavement tables in sunny Chiswick
Full english (minus the meat) - thats a big breaky for me
Big chocolate fudge cake plus ice cream in Covent Garden
Packet of Cheese and Onion crisps at Wembley
... and just when I thought I was safe I bought myself an indian takeaway after work last night. Chicken Madras, Bombay Aloo and rice at 10pm is not a great idea when one has to face the Slimming Club the next day.

Sooooo I am waiting with baited breath - but I dont regret any of the indulgence. I had a blast and I am back on the running machine tomorrow so I am not too worried. I promised you bikini pics and I need to be true to my word. In the meantime you will have to be content with the rock chick t shirt pic, if I have the balls to post it!

Wait and see!

Wemberley!!! Wemberley!!!

I am off to London tomorrow for a riotous weekend of rock music and decadence (well its a family room in a travel lodge actually but it still counts). It is a welcome relief from assignmentitis which by the way, ahem - cough, just a moment "YYYYEEEEEE HAAAAAA" I have finished all 8 of the bloody things. I am free, free, freee - until the oral in October but its done .....

OK back to the weekend, Metallica - Gods of Rock. I love 'em. Never really done metal, I was a Duran Duran girl in my youth - and most of my listening involves progressive stuff or banks of synthesisers or Mike Oldfield - who I adore. Bless him! What an intelligent creative sensitive genius he is. Tubular Bells is my all time favourite piece of music and it is my absolute life time goal have sex to athe musical background of Tubular Bells and manage to cum just at the moment the bells get struck!

Sorry, I got sidetracked again, yes metal, since my son became a rock god all by himself I have got used to the heavy tones of metal, death metal, progressive metal, emo tunes (spit! - son scorns them but I like some of it), rap metal - metal metal metal, but there is no beating Metallica. I like the bloke with the beard - and the drummer is a fellow scandinavian - brings the whole European thing into the mix. I like the earthy driving beat, and rock fans are such pussies. The sweetest bunch of big kids out there. I have never once felt intimidated in the company of heavy rock fans.

Soooooo I am really going to lose myself in the spectacle and let the driving bass and the guitar riffs take me someplace else - a welcome relief to the last few months of self inflicted torture.

Take care and dont do anything I wouldnt do - that gives you a lot of scope!

I shall be back online on Tuesday - and if youre good I will tell you all about it ;0)

Whacky Races

Thinking of Bagpuss, and then Hong Kong Fooey and Clangers - I was reminded of the Wacky Races. Sometimes I ask my clients which car was their favourite. It says a lot - my favourite was the Creepy Coop. The gothic tower, the dragon the air of magick and mystery. Enough said. So what was yours - and what do you reckon it says about you?

(I also had a fondness for Dick Dastardly - wish he had won the race at least once!)

Quick Check In

I am trying desperately to write. My new kitten, Lewis, is trying desperately to stop me. The lap top has become the ultimate challenge for him. I have a lovely inviting lap he could sit on, but no - the computer key board is far more enticing. As a result my last two posts have been disappeared by a tiny paw on the esc key. I am persisting however and just need to say that I have nearly finished my last assignment. The body of the text is all done, and now I am slotting in a few transcripts and making last amendments.

Therefore I am blogging - cant have it all done now can we? I am aware of my process and this temporary need to share myself and so distract myself ceases in 10 minutes when i take a very sharp psychic stick to my avoidant arse and complete it all.

Just as I was musing on this and watching Lewis savaging a little Bagpuss that I have, it occured to me that I cannot watch Bagpuss (the old tv childrens series) without crying. It always happens, no matter how adult I feel, how together I am when it comes to that last bit when it fades into black and white I am off. Tears streaming down my face, and a huge wave of yearning and sadness. Sadness at the beauty of it, why I should be sad i dont know. Its when the narrator, the late great Oliver Postgate says "He was just an old saggy cloth cat, baggy and a bit loose at the seams ... but Emily loved him" - there I go, I am off - yep, eyes all prickly with tears. I really am hopeless when it comes to Bagpuss - but maybe that absolutely fundamental belief I have in Love, no matter how moth eaten we may become love in the soul of someone, in the spirit, in the bad and the good - the whole picture, is so precious to me it touches something very deep. Or maybe I am just a big softie!



Ho hum, back to the essay

Love to you all

Tagged

Ok here are the seven things you dont know about me, although there are loads more

1. When I was 2 I ate a bottle of junior aspirin and nearly died. It was touch and go, and then they told my parents I may be left with a blood disorder akin to haemophilia. Thankfully I did not die, and my blood is healthy. (I am an O too, Craig - good old warriors)

2. I used to be a Tupperware Lady. I ran great parties, with raffles, games and give aways. "Now ladies, who has peas rolling around in the bottom of your freezer - I have just the thing to cure that ..." It was a laugh and I was damn good.

3. I can ride. I used to be pony mad as a girl but ponies and poverty dont mix so I waited till I was 35 to learn. I dont do it as much as I used to but its nice to know I can still put a horse through its paces. I got trampled while riding bareback and that put me off a bit. I still love to canter down a beach.

4. I got the best O level results in Staffordshire when I was at school. They presented me with a big shiny shield on Speech Day.

5. I have been a Sunday School Teacher. I used to get the kids up and doing things like throw blue tack at a picture of Goliath's head that I had pinned right at the top of the wall. Or full scale attacks on the city of Ai (tower of chairs) or annointing Jacob's pillow with olive oil.

6.I was a Director of a limited company. Went from not being able to turn on a computer to understanding and selling the intricacies/benefits of search engine optimisation in a very short space of time.

7. I am a direct decendent of Madame D'Arblay - Frances Burney. My Grandmothers maiden name is Burney. Writing is in the blood!

8. Couldn't resist. My Great Uncle played violin in the Manchester Philharmonic Orchestra. I too play violin (and piano)

So there you go, you know all the unusual stuff - Therapist, Witch, Saggitarian, tarot reader, reiki healer. Unusual is the Norm. So hope those Normal things will come as a surprise.

Dancing Queens

Rainy evening in Derby and I was up for the first night of clubbing in my life. Sad for 41, I realise that, but I have been determined to do it for a long time.

Great to see Pixie, we had been promising ouselves a night out for a while.

Tarot cards were great. White wine spritzers (hey at least it wasn't a cup of tea) and then off we went to the club.

Wey hey! Hilarious. Could not believe how many wrinklies there were in there. One bloke walked past - a little unsteady on his feet, not down to drink but AGE. He must have been over 70. I have nothing against older folk boogying on down but he had a suit and tie on. Old mans suit, with jumper and he was on the pull! There were medallions, bald heads, beer bellies, men with lots of scars, men with absolutely NO sex appeal who were winking and giving us the eye. One even offered Pix a pair of devils horns. The look of utter disgust on her face rendered words unnecessary. He shuffled off undeterred to accost a portly 'lady' (term used loosely) in a green boob tube, who really really should have been in a cover all smock. She was keen, they had a meaningful exchange, a bit of buttock pinching and then off to shake the ripples to ' Its ladies night'.

The women, well .... they were more fascinating than the blokes. Squeezed into really small dresses, corsets, shorts. Never seen such an expanse of uncovered stretch marked flesh in one place. You know what .... good on 'em. I thought it was great. They were out to have a good time and a few extra pounds was not going to stop them. I found myself gawping at the ankle boots and short short skirts, BIG legs in between! Bet there were not many knickers on the dance floor. My rather tight white top was positivly discreet by comparison. One woman had no teeth. NO TEETH! Who let the dogs out? Well they were out and partying and I was on the dance floor with them, go girls! There was such a great atmosphere. Fun fun fun and absolutely no hang ups. I could have gone on all night but the old folks wanted to go home hehehe

Will be going again for sure - see how many pension books we can bag. No chance of trouble, zimmer frames cant go that fast.

Bring it on!

Assignment Hell

Just a quick squeal on line before I write up my version of disco queens (see Prada Pixie)because I am going to find it hard to be jolly or witty about last night when I feel in total emotional meltdown. Overwhelmed, fed up and really really scared.

I have 9 days to finish my last assignment. I have already written half but the last half is the tough bit. 9 days sounds a long time but its not. I have 18 clients again this week, I have a school thing I have to attend and this weekend I am going to London to see Metallica in concert at Wembley stadium. Soooo I don't have long at all. I have to have the draft off to my supervisor by Friday so that I can tweak it on Tuesday then its into the assignment box.

I am sick and tired of the work, I saved it all up and now I am suffering. I have been totally stupid fitting in clients because 'they need me' and I know that by such behaviour I am facilitating my 'don't succeed' injunction big style. I want to cry. I want to hide under the bed clothes.

Even the sweetest new kitten (arrived yesterday) cannot divert me from my misery. I just feel crap ... I could rant forever on stuff. Stuff. Yes lots of stuff.

OK let me put my witty hat on and cram these desperate feelings into my Be Strong box. Dancing Queens .... read on!