Such a mix

I have 5 minutes before QI so I will be quick. My week of admin is grinding to a halt - it has been an at the coal face sort of a week - the sort of a week I run a mile from. All practicality and jobs that HAVE to be done. I like to inhabit a twilight world of vaguely clever fantasy ordinarily but this week the bills, the course requirements, the job criteria and hell! the parking fines all intervened and squatted in a bit ugly pile on my version of reality.

Just looking down my list of things still to do,

Update my logs
CRB check (buggered up the first attempt)
Write Section C - too much admin cluttered my ability to create
Prepare for my group Tuesday
Join BACP - still too daunting, the 70 page long form is hiding under the bed waiting to terrorise me in the long, dark night.
Send off deposit for a wonderful family constellations course.
Pay speeding fine
Blog (well there is one success)
Renew my Pagan Federation membership
Research the Goddess Conference, local music festival and highly dodgy couples workshop
Work out whether to go to Peru next year on a walking challenge.

Still lots to do - and I have left stuff out. At least I know what it is - knowledge is the first part of the sorting process.

Hope to blog tomorrow - in the meantime Steven Fry beckons!

Skint with a week off

Hello all!

Once again I apologise for being sloppy with my blogging. I went away to Glastonbury for the weekend and took leave of my senses in the wierdy shops ... I spent a lot. The Buddhists would have me down for a lot of self grasping behaviour, the wiccans would celebrate the abundance. I am just going to have to stay in for 3 weeks with no trips out, treats or meals with friends in order to make up for my excessive spending spree.

Still, I got some great stuff - lots of books, incense, witchy things and a particularly phallic fire candle in readiness for Solstice in June. Job done!

I am having a week off to catch up on all my admin and paperwork and to write Section C of my dissertation. Unfortunately admin and paperwork is necessary to secure my new job whereas the dissertation can afford to drift by a couple of months. There are a lot of 'chicken and egg' decisions to make at the moment. What comes first? What needs to be done to facilitate the rest - kind of stuff. I am doing my best to stay cheerful but nothing puts me in a foul mood more than an 'epitome of the nanny state, prove you actually exist and are not a two headed Mongolian, anal, crappy, rant provoking' CRB check.

Right I am off to do a bit of shopping in Derby - not personal shopping but birthday shopping for my dear old Mum (all budgeted for) then its back to the CRB check, the Uni application form, the BACP accreditation form (70 bloody pages long - can you believe it? - I cant).

Will catch you later. Hugs xxxx

Rat Race

Just a quickie as I am in the middle of preparation for work tomorrow.

I feel as if I am on a treadmill - trudging along. My optimistic and slightly eccentric outlook on life sometimes deserts me, often due to hormonal reasons or overwork or stuff that's going on but by and large I am able to enjoy things, drink the elixir of life, squeal with pleasure ... you get the picture!

Not so tonight.

I have seen clients back to back throughout the day. The last one did not finish till 5.30, got stuck in traffic which meant I did not get home till 6.45. I have eaten my meagre but healthy dinner and now I am back in my office preparing for work tomorrow!

So, I ask myself, is this it? Is this what life is going to be like for the next umpteen years. Now in my rational moments I know this is not true. There is so much exciting and wonderful stuff going on in my life at the moment I can barely get a full nights sleep due to anticipation. Not so tonight - tonight it seems bleak.

After running off my handouts for my over 35's group (all relationship stuff) and catching up on my screening intakes, and a letter to an errant patient I have to boldly go into the kitchen to prepare for tomorrows lunch.

Tomorrow the alarm will go off at 7am - up for a run, shower, breakfast, drive to work, work, eat prepared lunch, more work, drive home, eat meagre dinner, prepare for presentation the following day, back into kitchen to prepare tomorrows lunch ... and so on.

Oh grizzly.

I need my fairy goggles so it can all seem magical again.

Funny what too much progesterone can do for one. Sigh!

Wow I can post again.

I have not been able to post. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much positive thinking was employed. My dashboard would not work.

I considered uninstalling Norton antivirus - I appealed to the all knowing Bobo for advice - but thankfully Blogger have sorted it.

Normal service has been resumed.

Got loads to say but have just drank a bottle of cider and a bottle of wine so its a bloody wonder I am managing to write anything.

Must tell you about my moot ... and about the Age of Horus ... and about shamanism in general. I met a real live shaman this week, someone who had been to the edge of death and seen stuff ... moot chieftan to boot. See I have loads to say but just to pissed to say it.

Love ya all!

Every one is getting better ...

I am always amazed and entranced by how the universe works - how expectation affects what happens; how the flow of events creates evolution and change.

Last year I was inundated with private psychotherapy clients - I could hardly afford to fit in my NHS work. Then I took out a bold and expensive advert in Yellow Pages which I was assured would boost my business even more. There was a move from the psychoanalysis into the counselling section (statistically more enquiries), plus a carefully crafted advert guaranteed to bring in the clients.

At the same time I was offered more hours in the NHS and I began to attach to my work there, to the people (ex-mining community struggling to come to terms with the disappearance of their heritage)- my focus subtly changed. Suddenly I wanted the paid job more than the vagaries of being self employed. I relished the diversity of clients, people from all backgrounds - I found managing waiting lists and dealing with issues of accessibility challenging and rewarding. I loved the earthy nature of the community which was embracing me.

Hey Presto!

My Yellow Pages add has been a disaster. One enquiry only. My private business has reduced to no more than £175 a week. My NHS work now pays the bills.

I find myself in a position where I am on the threshold of having a full time job that is well paid and secure. My only concern has been for my remaining private clients. I still need time for them. Yet this week 6 of my remaining 10 have bounced in to my therapy room having integrated the changes we have been working on together - the changes are holding and they are better! Slowly but surely these wonderful people are leaving me and growing, moving forward into a brighter adulthood. They no longer need me to hold them but are embracing a future with the resources to cope for themselves. It is both sad and wonderful, humbling ... bitter sweet.

So here I am feeling truly grateful for how this incredible unfolding that we call life works. Grateful for the mechanics of experience. The path is almost clear for me to emerge from this phase and into the next.

Of course I am aware that I may not get the full time post - if so then I believe that I will flow into the next stage anyway, the place I am meant to be. You may call it faith ... so what if it is. Faith can and does move mountains.

I love my job.

I love working with people; the respect and the intimacy. I love being a midwife for rebirth.

Have a great bank holiday. Breathe and enjoy.

Beltane

Last night I had one of those girlie nights - ie cauldrons, athames and velvet dresses with unnecessarily plunging necklines.

Its Beltane today/tomorrow. Time of rampant desire and unbridled sexual passion - well at least that's the plan.

All of us jumped the Beltane fire (candle in a cauldron) and I called in a number of energies. One of which was my sparkle. My long term readers will know that my 'sparkle' is vitally important to my well being, and some would say defines who I am. Of late it has been rather feeble. Rather too much going on - most of it tricky stuff that has been rather draining - however there is a stirring. Most definitely.

I invoked my Goddess Freya - so that means my sparkle is guaranteed to return in shed loads.

Spring helps - all of those buds, and sproutings. New jobs beckon. New experiences entice with delicious promise. I called in new friends as well as old and much loved ones. I called in health and vitality, passion and adventure.

Retreats are top of the list - open rituals in groups, drumming out of doors, lots of life enhancing stuff.

Ok so the dissertation has to be written and the new Masters embarked upon.... but as well as that there is the Druidry course and World of Warcraft (my reward for completion of my tasks) new books to be read, new music to be transported by, new films to see. Lots of it - as well as a deepening of all that is in my life already. Drink deeply and life will not disappoint.

Here's to a sparkly future!

Jelly Babies

I must stop eating jelly babies. I always begin like a frenzied shark - snaffling and chomping. Then when the stomach finally registers that there is an excess of gelatin, sugar and psychedelic food colouring its too late and I feel sick as a dog.

Groan!

I like the orange ones - how about you?

Something light hearted and lemony

See, see - I am still creating time to blog! Although today I am not going to be posting something thought provoking or particularly stimulating - that's because I have a curry about to arrive. It was going to be garlic mushrooms, crusty bread and salad but after a valiant struggle (cough!) I gave in to the general wishes and have opted for an Indian. I have had a veggie one tonight - part of my new way of thinking about weight, karma and not eating dead flesh.

Sooooo my little post is about anti-perspirant. I have given it up!

Now before you all rush off to find pegs and stuff let me explain. I still smell sweetly. I have never really been a 'sweater' so smearing dodgy stuff that clogs up my pores, glands and may even be implicated in breast cancer seems a dangerous waste of time and money.

Instead I have opted for a block deodorant from Lush which smells zingy, lemony and fresh. Lemon essential oil is a natural bactericide and good old talc, which is the base product, soaks up any perspirings a treat. My other alternative is a dab of Starchild Tantra oil which is musky and spicy. I feel much better - there is too much sterile, ultra clean thinking that goes on anyway. Plus everyone I know says I have a natural scent with is 'divine' (and I quote) therefore I am not going to worry about aluminium containing cloggers anymore. I shall let my body breathe and do what it is supposed to.

I do like the smell of sweat on a man - so why shouldn't men have the same kind of response to women. [Caveat: Providing its not stale and has developed into rancid BO]. Sweat contains pheromones. Those are gooooood! I think we mask too much of our real selves in many ways, the earthy scent of the body is luscious - I am going natural.

Hedging my Bets

I realised last night what a bet hedger I really am.

I have been attending a Buddhist meditation class recently: Good anti-stress measure plus some stimulating adult conversation.

However last night I did find myself at odds with the 'teacher'. The subject of Karma, rebirth and animals. I don't actually subscribe to the Buddhist path but I do like some of the teachings so it was all too much for me when we were encouraged to let our pets die of natural causes instead of trying to end suffering by euthanasia. I was outraged. The principle is that if we terminate the suffering then the soul of the animal cannot ripen its karma and so takes a low rebirth again... er .. So that means my cat who had her face smashed in by a hubcap would have had to either bleed or starve to death. I don't think so!!!

At the end of the class I ended up having to explain my reticence and got the feeling that the teacher felt I was simply unable to show the faith that was necessary, and therefore should be treated with long suffering and compassion for my error. Whatever - there is no way I think animals should suffer. Full stop.

During the course of the debate I found myself defending and explaining
1. My Christian frame of reference
2. My Pagan frame of reference
3. The bits of the Buddhist frame of reference that I sign up for

So many spiritual paths? It can only mean one thing, in a truly cosmic sense - "No one is going to get me" - with all the bases covered I should be bomb proof!

Post Heisenbergs uncertainty principle ... and getting things done

"Whatever you send out is what you draw back in. Take responsibility for the thoughts and emotions you send out, for they go into the universe and create the events and circumstances that come back to you"

"Its your belief system that runs every moment of your lives"

These are just two quotes from my latest reading material, Living Magically by Gill Edwards. One of my clients bought it for me as a yuletide gift - just before she magically disappeared into the ether. I am enjoying it! My therapist screwed up her nose and gave me a disparaging look when I mentioned it but there again my therapist and I are not generally on the same wavelength. I guess some of it could be dismissed as flaky but most of it is stunningly truthful and carries the 'Life Changing' label in full technicolour.

I am currently examining my own belief system which is full of catastrophic thinking - eek! I am also currently seeking to change my beliefs. I have observed that how we think, what we believe actually does affect what happens to us... or maybe it provides a filter which only allows us to see the things that fit in with our belief system. Now, I am not by any means apportioning blame to the individual - I am not saying that victims of abuse and war and crime 'ask' for these things to happen. I would never suggest such a thing and those that do show a deeply damaging and cruel way of framing experience.

What I am talking about are the things such as - "I can never be thin", "life is hard", "I will never have enough money" etc etc base line beliefs about experience which I do think affects us and shapes our lives.

The one that has recently come to light for me is "I never have enough time". Big theme for me, and one I will regularly churn out. I cant do x,y and z because I never have enough time. I cant call, text, blog because I never have enough time. I am someone who is invariably late! I adore Alice in Wonderland - how does it start? - the white rabbit is late and nervously looking at his watch! Time is a theme for me. I enjoy films and TV that involve time travel, I am fascinated by new scientific understanding of time as a circular phenomenon as opposed to a linear force. Time, time, time.

So I decided today that I DID have enough time, and you know what ... I have managed to do everything that I wanted too. Even a 40 minute journey in the car turned out to be 30 mins (no speeding involved, alas, my points tally is getting way too big). So here I am having blogged again - read everyones' blogs and commented. I have a meditation class tonight and I am twiddling my thumbs. By believing I have enough time - I have enough time.

With one proviso ... I have not done my menus for the week. I have not planned out my healthy lunches and low calorie meals ... so here we have another belief system. "I always have to struggle with my weight". The only task I have not completed relates to facilitating my own healthy weight. See how it works? So now I am off to do that job because I CAN be a healthy weight without having to starve, struggle or be bloody miserable!