Fond Farewell

Phew! What a day! I go on holiday tomorrow for two weeks and I have worked right up until the last moment. As I type, I am sitting up in bed with my lap top, squeezing in this last message before I go.

I am really going to miss my blog - and you my blog chums. I need the rest but I reckon I will have to cope with 'cold turkey' for the first few days. I do have my phone though, (will have to have some technology and contact with the outside world), and I will send the odd twitter by text - I have no delusions about you all logging on to read my twitter but I shall amuse myself with it none the less.

I am going to Wales. I know its not exotic, or warm or abroad, but I like Pembrokeshire - I like Wales in general, its the celtic stuff that appeals, as well as the oldest European language in existance. It is also a very spiritual place, the energy is wonderful. I intend to visit an iron age encampment, go on a boat trip to the off shore islands, go riding, visit the Preselli hills (where the Stonehenge Bluestones came from), the rock does wierd things to my pendulum and the kids experience wierd, cool hippy witchy Mom pride and 'I am not with this woman' embarrasment.

It will also be Lammas while I am away so I am taking my earthy green dress, and promise to sneak it into the iron age fort and get some pics. I think the kids will deffinately be in 'I am not with this woman' mode on that day.

I will go cliff walking, visit some cromlechs, go wierdy shopping and hopefully come back rested and tanned (pardon me while I laugh ironically) and ready for the next part of my adventure. I am taking a whole bag of books, and intend to read, to chill, to make lists and get everything sorted in my head. A tall order but with some fairly harsh boundary setting and ignoring the requests for my usual 'holiday camp' style of manic activity I will get a lot done. A lot of chilling, a lot of thinking, a lot of doing absolutely bugger all. Oh yes and I am taking my 'Why am I so disorganised' book - so that I can come back a changed woman.

Right, I think thats about it for tonight. Dont forget me while I am gone and I shall tell you all about it when I get back, plus pics!

Love you all and Blessed Be!

A Positive Experience

Hello all you wonderful people out there. I have appreciated all your support over the last couple of days after my 'bad do' on Sunday.

Today I had an entirely different experience - entirely postive - it has restored my faith in supervision and in my own abilities as a therapist, and dare I say it, as a Supervisor! I am finding that I am slipping comfortably into the role of Supervisor with members of my group, indeed my Principle Supervisor has already told me that I need to aim for this as my next goal. Not that I have an Almost Type II Script, oh no no, of course not (shuffle) - Almost Type II means that you never stay long enough in one place to enjoy success, because success is not allowed, so instead you move quickly to the next goal and are forever climbing mountains.

Anyway, today I found the group totally supportive, we actually did Treatment Planning (shock!), Case Studies (gasp!), and Structured Study (faint!). In other words, what we should be doing as opposed to navel gazing, disecting every little nuance of behaviour, and destroying each others confidence. Sooooo, hip hip hooray for my fabby fab fab Supervisor, and wonderfully professional and decent group members. Hoorays all round. Especially for my Supervisor who reckons we should all stop being so f**king precious and get on with life. He also commended me for having a cider hang over saying that I am far 'too good' for my own good. Moi? Too Good????!! Maybe he is right hehehe. I need far more bad behaviour!

So there you are, I feel so much better, cheers guys!

Having slept on it ...

I am feeling in better shape today, after my bad experience and my rant. I still woke up this morning with the traces of negativity swirling around in my energy field. Spookily my Angel Card for yesterday was 'Surrender' - that is my least favourite of all, and it turned out to be beautifully accurate. In fact I took my Athame (ritual knife) and performed a banishing to rid myself of the 'Surrender' energy and drew a new card - it was the blank one. That is preferable! It means I was mistress of my own destiny today, I may leave it in place for the entire week!

Being mistress of my own destiny I decided that the group I attended yesterday was destructive, it highlighted a part of my Script which tells me that I have to stick around with people I don't like because if I tell them I don't like them, or refuse to 'play' then they may get upset.

So? I hear you say.

Well yes so what?

That's where I am. I have been repeatedly put down by this person, she has been rude and dominating and all the time I have been caring for her feelings and suppressing my own.

"Turn the other cheek, be a nice girl, they need a little friend" - Oh shut up mother and maybe if you had stood up for me a bit more then I would have learnt that I don't have to take all the crap people throw in my direction and can actually set boundaries that mean things are healthier and more honest for all concerned.

I have also worked out that this person has their own 'I am the best in all the world' Script and is therefore attracted to people who are prepared to play 'stupid' in order to keep her safe. Well I am not going to do that either - its all wrong!

So I have contacted a new supervisor, I am researching the possibility of another and i am voting with my feet. If there are any questions I will answer honestly and if the responses are hostile then I will tell the person concerned I am no longer willing to discuss the matter and the subject is closed. Time to move on, time to protect me; Time to act like a grown up.

I spoke to the other person in the group this morning and he felt the same as me. He was angry and upset too - he has made the same decision. Its a shame for both of us as we like working together but hanging on to a bad situation because there is one good bit in it is ridiculous. Not going to do it.

So there you are, thank you for being so supportive. I can feel my jolliness returning by the hour. I had both clients cancel this evening, (in answer to my silent prayer) so I am going to have a bath and read a good book. Going to put oils in my bath, light my 'Water' candles for love and contentment in relationship, and light some incense. Ahhhh the thought of it induces relaxation so the reality will be even better.

Blogland is great! Thanks for being there!

Feeling Grizzly

I feel crap! Like I am ricocheting off the walls of a prison. Its not very pleasant and does not actually happen very often, and I know the kinds of things that trigger it off.

I am usually a jolly Queenie, and I like that about me, lots of sparkle and good vibes but I don't feel like that right now. Far from it, I feel sick and trapped and unhappy.

Light and shadow - its all important, and when I feel lost, writing helps, connecting helps, so here I am, doing just that. Thanks to the special people in my life that I have already shared some of this pain with. You are so important to me and I love you.

I went somewhere this morning and I got very angry. I wont disclose exactly where because its unprofessional and as I have not blasted the person concerned directly its also somewhat cowardly to do it here. Needless to say, I felt very put down and discounted. As I sat there being aware of my feelings I was also aware of how I was not doing anything about it, oh sure, I did express that I was not too chuffed with what was going on, but I did not get angry (my main repressed emotion) and I did not tell the culprit to f**k off, stick her Po faced views up her own arse and never ever speak to me again. Why? Because I am too 'nice' because I allow people to express all of their ugliness and accept it like a total passive idiot but when it comes to me losing it, I bring in all the circuit breakers that prevent me actually doing something meaningful like shouting, screaming, storming off, fighting - yes fighting. Allowing all that 'good girl' anger to burst out of me in one wonderfully liberating punch to the nose - blood would be good.

As you can tell, I am already directing the anger inwards at myself and my passivity which is another nice little unproductive trick that I play. So instead of that I am going to direct it outwards to the object of my anger and rant, here goes.

So who the f**k do you think you are saying those things to me, and behaving in the way you do. I should have ripped your bloody head off for having the arrogance to sit there in judgement of me and come over all 'critical parent', when in fact you have no evidence of success behind you at all. Maybe that's the problem, you are jealous of me - raving jealousy. I am the one with the success, I am the one with the warmth and I am the one with the friends. So shut it, don't you ever speak to me like that again. I don't like you, I don't like being with you, I don't like anything about you. Go away. Go as far away as you possibly can and never come back. Keep your high handed judgement away from me, don't dare to criticise or sit there with cold contempt. Look at yourself, that's where the problem lies. I wont lie down and let you walk all over me again, you are going to get the truth of it next time and you are not going to like it. I will crush you, your sense of self is so so fragile and its only my understanding of that that keeps me from doing it to you. The things I want to say to you will hurt, go deep and wound because they have the blade of truth attached to them, the things you dont dare look at .... ok, so now I am starting to scare myself. Anger can turn very ugly when left to fester for years and years and years.

Ok .... deep breath.... yeh, I do feel a bit better, but very guilty. The person concerned is a real person, she is fundamentally ok, I know that - and this is a learning edge for me, she is a gift (- but how much of that is my stuff? Do I continually stay around people that are not good for me? I am not sure).

OK ... another deep breath. The purpose of anger is to effect change and preserve personal boundaries. I need to change this situation, I also have to protect myself. I will do that and in a way writing this post has been helpful, I am prepared to accept her limitations as well as my own. Anger done right should bring me to this place.

Thanks for listening guys. I am going to publish this, I am going to own my shadow but I will offer you this promise ...normal service will be resumed shortly :o)

Been Pottering

I have just been to see the latest Harry Potter film. I had a long term plan to see it, but did not expect to go quite this early... However a bored daughter and a rainy afternoon made the decision for me.

We went in the Deluxe screen as she "did not want to sit with the Chavs because they talk and belch all the way through" - her words not mine, so don't have a go at me. I duly forked up a ridiculous amount to go 'posh' only to be sitting by the greatest self proclaimed Harry Potter expert known to man, who talked all the way through! At least there was no belching but there was plenty of rustling as she had bought all her own snacks in super noisy plastic bags. I was not best pleased.

Anyway, the film was good. I enjoyed it. I read the first four books but got very bogged down in the fifth and have to confess to giving up with it. This proved to be a bonus as I had no idea what was going to happen and gave the film an extra edge. Thrills and spills, even a bit of romance. Defense of the Dark Arts teacher was absolutely fabulous. All chintz and boucle twin setts - the most sadistic of them all.

Harry seemed to have turned into a 'Greenwoods' man - by that I don't mean some magical reference to male magic, but he had turned into a bit of a geek. Ganzy and slacks! By far the most fanciable prospect was Lucius Malfoy - is it just me or does he get better with age? Very nice indeed - but then again I am a sucker for the high necked magical robe and long flowing hair. He stole the show. Lunar was lovely too. Ahh, she has to be the potential soul mate for the prematurely old mans fashion victim Potter. She was very lovely actually, and the kind of girl I would have hung out with at school.

I also had a bag of Revels. I was hoping for pic n mix - shrimps and refresher chews being my favourite, but being the posh Delux all the sweeties were in bags. Sooo Revels it was, although there were far too many maltesers and no where near enough orange ones.

I do like the whole Potter thing - it has done a lot to bring all things magical into the mainstream arena, although real witchy magick is not a bit like the stuff in the books. Some bits in Potter have shadows of the truth in there and oh how I wish I could ride a broomstick like they do. The films are also getting darker - I like that. Its worth a watch - and has inspired me to read the last two books!

The Joy of Buxton

I have spent the day in Buxton in the torrential rain. I had a rare day off, a gift as my one client for the day cancelled last night and I knew then that I could relax and chill and do something for me. I will be back to a full 'surgery' tomorrow and supervision Sunday so today was great.

I decided to go to Buxton because there is the best witchy shop there. I love witchy shops they are just wonderful. The smell of them is delicious, incense and resins. There are candles and mystical tools, they are veritable treasure troves of imagination. I got my last dress and garland from there and they have a nice native American bow with hand made arrows nestling in a corner, and my lovely silver bit of plastic has been so redundant lately. I want a bow - and a quiver full of arrows, I can feel an Artemis phase coming on.

But the shop was shut - rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Not fair - not good, all that way for nothing. I was not best pleased, its all very well for t'internet to corner the market in esoteric and magical supplies but it puts the little witchy shops out of business. There is just no substitute for handling that crystal and feeling if the energy is right, or looking through all the velvet dresses, and accessories; A grizzly picture on the internet cannot convey whether the pentacle you want is the right one, whether the spirit calls to you. The way things are going the only witchy shops in business will be the ones in Glastonbury. (They are totally fab by the way).

The window was dressed beautifully with all sorts of tempting goodies and the most gorgeous gothic blue dress was calling out to me. MMMMMmmm that would have got tried on for sure. But alas it was not to be. I wanted a goddess amulet for my new car too - the old one is the wrong colour scheme (how girlie am I?).

There was a hand scribbled note on the door informing the punters of the opening times (modest to say the least) and then a blessing, "merry we meet, merry we part and merry we meet again". Cold comfort I can assure you! There will be no merry meeting unless I am prepared to haul my ass over there on Tuesdays and Saturdays between 10 and 4. Unlikely!

Guess I had better get browsing for all my esoteric needs, a witch can only stand up for principle for so long. Magical tools need purchasing. In fact after the success of my knob - ahem - staff purchase on ebay I will go and have a shufty.

So if you see a witchy, wierdy shop in your locality - please support it!

Last One

Ok so here is the last one of the Kahless quizes - yep I reckon this is spot on too!

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Ok so this is getting spooky

I am a therapist after all, and yes I do give too much. I do all that sparkly stuff and attention getting behaviour - I am a Queen after all, but this is the inner me. Isnt it wierd how these crappy internet thingies can so often be true - or are we just looking for stuff that resonantes. Who knows? who cares? - I have enjoyed it!

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you. It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them. You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first. Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love. And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Wow - yep thats me

Kahless you are a star - this is brill! lol This is such fun, and this is sooo me! So who is a newborn soul and a prophet soul then, because you need to be coming my way baby :o)

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles. Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally! Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Past Life

Thanks to Kahless for this one, oh what fun - oh how spooky bearing in mind my real life heritage.

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Charming Viking. Where You Lived: Norway. How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?