Thursday, October 25, 2007

Horrid Feelings

I am having a painful feelings day today. Its ironic that I work with intense emotion every day in my job; I soothe, help, witness, account for and accept feelings that my clients experience, yet when it comes to my own I honestly believe that I can put them in nice neat little boxes and move on as if nothing has happened.

I learned to put my feelings away when I moved house at 8 years old and left all my friends behind. I was not allowed to cry because then Dad would feel bad about moving the family from relative security to a ramshackle old dump of a place with no toilet. When I got bullied at my new school I was not allowed to even admit it because Dad would feel bad ....etc etc So I really did get very strong and self contained.

When I got to 14 and defied my mother in my choice of 'boyfriend' I was subjected to 6 years of intense emotional and physical cruelty. I could not cry, I just got on with life. It really was terrible to be placed outside the normal activities of my family and be punished everyday, often physically attacked, without being able to leave. I got very very strong and self contained. I was resigned to it all - and fiercely defiant.

When my life unravelled mid thirties I went for every medical test known to man. 'I must have a brain tumour, or a degenerative neurological disorder, I must be ill'. I never 'felt' anything I just could not function. It was only when I was diagnosed with chronic depression that I started to account for it all. Yet I am not really sure that I am comfortable with my own feelings, even now.

I run from it. I run constantly - I am the worlds best at partying in order to hide the pain. I don't do it deliberately its just that I survived by doing this and it is my default setting.

So now when I begin to feel - it always hits me like a train. What?!! What the hell is this that's going on - why isn't this in my nice little storage system. So today, I am sitting with my feelings and its shit! I WILL feel better tomorrow. In the mean time its an education.

9 comments:

Pixie said...

Sweetie, you really do need to feel this to move on from it and leave it. I know it's horrible, and running away from it is such an easier option.
But we both know to our cost that embracing the pain is the only way.
I wish you only joy and happieness in your life, as you know.
And as you know this will pass and you will emerge stronger and more capable from the experience.
In the meantime look after yourself cause feeling like shit is vile.
And re your comment on my post ;I love you!

((((((((QV))))))))
pxx

craig andrew said...

F$%#%ing Feelings!!! You want that maybe I should beat them up for ya? (That was my best Jersy Mafia)

but, seriously, I too grew up with a family that avoided emotions (and still does). I learned that when my parents avoided their emotions, it meant that we children had to deal with them, whether my parents were aware of it or not (and they weren't... even after telling them today to their face, they don't and won't).

So, good for you in sitting with your emotions and making sure no one else has to deal with your stuff on your behalf. C:)

DJ Kirkby said...

I hope you are feeling better soon! We've got a network to organise and promote! (((((QV)))))

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

hope you are feeling better today sweetie. xxx

Hedgewizard said...

Like Pixie said. I didn't really come to terms with anything until the Vampire Wife ran off with The Arsehole Formerly Known As Brian, and then I rebuilt myself starting with the phrase "You Have Every Right To Feel Anger". Otherwise I might have killed someone eventually.

Now I'm just Basil Fawlty - I rant and squawk all the time, but then it's over. Over. Never thought I'd get there - and now I can see how odd my family are!

Queen Vixen said...

Pix: Thank you. Yes you are right - its no good running. Only stopping and feeling will relieve it all. I feel a lot better today! :o) I can actually look ahead and see a very good future.

Craig: Awww Craig - that is so lovely of you. Yes please, give Sadness the biggest kicking! I really appreciate the support.

Dj: We have! We have! and I am well impressed with what you have sent me so far. I am hoping to get my blog stuff done tonight or tomorrow morning so can give it lots more attention.

Vi: Much better thanks Vi.

Hedge: Great to have you back. Good for you dealing with your anger, yes you did have every right. I am learning each time - and I do feel great today.

Hullaballoo said...

QV,As you no doubt tell your clients, bad feelings, like shitty weather, do pass. It's just horrible until they do. I am thinking about you and sending you warm hugs.

Böbø said...

Oh dearest QV, it's not only about feeling your feelings, mourning your past sadness, and honouring the important part that your old defences have had in keeping you safe, but about how resourced you are with people that care and can share ... and you're pretty wealthy.

But then as Hullaballoo said, that's what you tell your clients.

Honestly, you should just listen to yourself sometimes ... literally :)

Queen Vixen said...

Hull & Bobo: You are both lovely. Thank you and I am indeed very fortunate to have such support and care. Plus I do feel so much better! I never listen to myself!