Trampishness

I cant be arsed to get up in the morning and go running. I cant really be arsed to take my make up off - so I may go to bed and let it come off naturally on the pillow.

Arent I a scurfy madam?

A Powerful Week

Before I even turned over the energy card I had picked for the week I knew it was Power. I really like choosing that one. I have been feeling powerful of late.

This week I have my initiation. It will be done on Thursday - we are drafting in a High Priest to perform the ceremony. My bestest witchy friend is initiating too as part of her growth and development.

I have chosen my Goddess - Freyja - a Norse Goddess to reflect my Scandinavian heritage. I often meet her on my inner journeying. She is my higher self.

I am looking forward to the whole thing. Power is part of the picture! Initiation is empowering, especially being a woman - in wicca the female is first amongst equals.

I have my black cord, I believe there is some tying and blindfolding involved.

I will then take on the attributes of the Goddess chosen; the archetype develops in the subconscious.

You will have to tell me if you see a difference.

Samhain blessings to you all.

One last thing to do ...

Over recent years I have been ironing out the creases in my life. Sorting out all the things that were unresolved. Getting to a place where I am truly happy and feeling pretty ecstatic all the time. Believe me - I am there, and its fantastic!

Just one enigma remains - one little mystery that I seem quite unable to deal with. My weight. Getting to a reasonable, healthy, OK weight has eluded me. Sure I have done Weight Watchers and Slimming World - duly lost all I should but then back it goes. I have got Paul McKennas system - eminently sensible until you consider that eating when hungry might actually mean tucking into a prawn salad in the middle of a patients emotional disclosure. Can you imagine it ... "Would you mind holding on to that sadness, I will be with you in a minute right after my meal" ... mmm just a tad impractical.

I have been told, and I think he is right, that I am manifesting a struggle with weight. Because I believe I cannot do it then I am creating a reality that means I cant. I know that I have to get my mind sorted out on this one ... but how?

I have visualised, affirmed, pledged, confronted, encouraged contamination free autonomy but to no avail.

No good affirming my sexy slimness while scarfing down a bag of chips and cider (groan)!

Planning is the key - motivating myself to get off the sofa and prepare tomorrows salad. I am an expert on food science, nothing is confusing me as far as knowledge is concerned.

I am about to face another festive season - I would rather be able to get into my size 14 spangly mini skirt than look like the proverbial xmas pudding!

All diets start on a Monday so I will heave myself back onto the wagon next week - having self administered all the intensive psychotherapuetic techniques that I can dredge up over the weekend.

Wish me luck!

PS I am only 11 stone 13 - and 5 foot 7 - its not vast but its more of a (butter) mountain than a molehill.

New Goddess - subject close to my heart

Just a quickie as I have just got it - poured a glass of wine and have my tea warming in the oven. Tepid food is always rather grizzly.

Full moon and Mei has reminded me to update you on my new goddess. Eurynome - goddess of ecstasy.

I have felt under a lot of pressure lately but its not going to stop me experiencing ecstasy. Pleasure is something I firmly believe in and it keeps me sane. It keeps anyone sane. Mental health is easy once you have cleared out the crap ... just do enough things that give you a sense of achievement, mastery and pleasure. A sense of self - sensual experience, ecstasy. I always attend to that aspect with all my clients.

I am a hedonistic pleasure junkie because its GOOD for me, for everyone. Who said life had to be tough! Life should be a pleasure not a chore. If you examine indigenous cultures they work for about three days a week - the rest of the time is spent socialising, engaged in spiritual practice or having fun.

Sounds like a recipe for good mental health! So get with the pleasure. Do something you enjoy - something that really hits that pleasure zone. Come join in the ecstasy!

Instant gratification v creative exploration

Every so often I get a fixation with facebook. I am just coming out of the latest one. I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Facebook is quick and transient - good fun but I am aware I get unsettled by it. Measuring worth by how many friends are in my stash.

The blog is far more cerebral. I do prefer it. It the difference between an intimate conversation and talking about the weather.

One thing I want to do before I die

OK, so here it is.

I want to be in some front room somewhere or indeed a bedroom. A group of people that are into expanding consciousness in some way. People I like, that have that group thing going on.

I want to be in the dark with candles, in the wee small hours listening to Tubular Bells on some kick ass stereo, smoking a joint. I have never smoked a joint but its something my poor beleaguered teenager wants to do.

I have never sat in the dark in the wee small hours with a group of interesting folk either but somehow that bit does not need explaining.

I want to let the music flow through my veins and allow the illicit substance to enhance that experience. I want to laugh and talk and fall asleep where I am lying.

Then I want to get up in the morning and giggle over a bowl of cornflakes.

Its all very innocent ... ish. But its my dream.

Talk about change ...

I dropped my son off at university today. He has gone to Aston - almost a stones throw away from the place I was born. Ironic or what. This was always going to be a tough day for me. Saying goodbye to my son was always going to be emotional - however I have always done my very best to encourage him to get out there and experience things. Today I was only reaping a harvest that I had deliberately sown. Didn't stop me crying though.

As I stood in the Autumn sunshine looking out over the high rise buildings of Birmingham my heart almost broke with the grief of all that I did not do all those years ago. I never had the university experience. I was so hamstrung by fear - fear of the World, fear that I may be corrupted by the World, fear of growing up ... fear of everything. I had it burned into my brain by my useless, puritanical religiously fanatical parents - their value system, their warped view of life, their stupid insular, dogmatic prison. I am aware that anger is part of grief and right now I am feeling angry.

I could tear their fecking heads off I am so angry.

I can never have what I lost at that time in my life. I have tried to get it ... boy have a tried to claw it back. I have achieved now. Yes, I do feel proud of what I have done but at this precise moment in time I can not let go of the rage I feel for their inadequate performance.

I am in a cold rage place. Very cold, very vengeful. I am accepting it, accounting for it - not projecting it away from me or denying it.

I am off to Oxford again tomorrow. More pale shadows of what I was cheated out of.

You can call me bitter - but right now that what I need to feel. Thats what is real to me as I contemplate how I stopped the rot for my children and had to climb out of the pit that had been prepared for me.

My son can make his own mind up about things. He has been prepared to embrace life.

I love him with my all.

Full moon - new guides.

Well...new guides being symbolic representations of the part of the psyche that are relevant to this particular stage of my journey.

Oh shut up Vixen!

Every new moon I light candles, perform a small ritual and pick my guides for the month. As there are no such things as coincidences (in my universe) then I really do pay attention to the symbols that I pick. If we are all plugged into a matrix of energy and thought is the means by which we affect our reality then the reflection in the cards can be very helpful.

This moon is a biggie for me. I have my interview for THE job on Wednesday, my son goes off to university and I have second installment of CBT training in Oxford. Plus lots of other events. So the guides for this month are particularly important.

My Goddess was Lady of Beasts - Relationship

I desire union
in ways comfortable and appropriate
I open to the dance with another
knowing that it will take me
to all the places I fear
some of the places I love
many of the places that need healing.
I listen with the ears of my heart
and communicate from a place of self-knowing
I consciously give myself away
and know how to take myself back
I see myself reflected
so perfectly in the other
that I begin my most important journey
to seek out and claim
more of who I am
Goddess Oracle Amy Sophia Marashinsky

My animal guide is CAT - guardianship, detachment and sensuality.

Cat unites the spirit world with highly developed sensuality. Thats me all over! I do not believe that spirituality has to be divorced from sensuality and the pleasures of the body. In fact the most incredible spiritual experiences can be based and expressed through sensuality. This is true in my life.

My plant guide is YARROW - fidelity, masculinity and virility

Yarrow is sacred to the Horned one - the epitome of masculine strenth. Strongly sexual. It also points to a powerful, virile figure that may become more important to me ... eeeh I am in for a good month!

As I am going for my interview I need to draw together the lessons of the random. Lady of the Beasts shows me I must focus on the relationships I have already built, my team at work love me - we work well. Cat teaches me that my physical presence is as important as any theory and Yarrow invites me to take what is mine. Be The Lord - the masculine force. Do not be afraid to show my potency.

So there you are. I have had fun - hope my sharing will have piqued your interest a little.

Full moon is a magical time. Enjoy!

Pub or Church?

What would you do if you had 15 minutes to live?

I have just this minute meandered into my living room to find my son watching The Simpsons movie. I am fond of the Simpsons and managed to catch a 2 minute clip which was rather profound.

As the 'Dome'(if you are not familiar with the film I apologise)descends upon Springfield the congregation of the church rush out onto the street, at the same as the patrons of Mo's bar. Then they swap. Church goers stampeding into the bar to sample some of what they have been missing, and the drinkers rushing into the church to make peace with their maker.

We always want what we haven't had.

I was bought up in a a STRICT (did I emphasise that enough) Christian household where worldly pleasures were frowned on and Shloer was dished up with Sunday lunch in most 'Delph' households. No wine, oh no no no. I now have a hunger for all that is forbidden eg socialising with 'the world', having sex outside of marriage, paganism, studying psychological matters (work of the devil) and general 'wild, free child' experiences.

The reverse is true - the few adult converts that I have known have usually had many years of riotous living in true prodigal son style (drink, drugs, prostitutes etc) and seek to find peace within a religious community, away from the sins of the streets (so to speak).

Perhaps that is just how it is. I know I had to do my unfinished business to find happiness. Unfinished business being the opposite of my originally enforced value system. The shadow has to be experienced and embraced (and bloody well enjoyed)to find contentment.

So what about the last 15 minutes?

What would you do? Pub or Church?

I think I would opt for either deep trance (if I was alone) or complete union with a partner (if I wasn't).

Either way I would want to feel at peace, at one, merged with the universe. No anxiety. No regret. Just there in the moment.

Back from Oxford

I went to Oxford on a CBT course. It was good. I have been roundly rubbishing CBT for a while (basically because I am scared the government in its infinite wisdom will banish all other forms of therapy) and now I am going to stop rubbishing it. Its good stuff. All the other skills I have learnt are fabulous and I wouldn't swap them but CBT is really logical and scientific, and has the added bonus of not analysing the reasons behind offering to make a cup of tea (for example!)

I am a bit of a science chick (Star Trek's Mr Spock being my earliest role model) and so it fits with me. Cut the waffling, cut the endless navel gazing - lets look at how we all maintain our problems by our own thinking/behaviour. Shit happens but its how WE perpetuate that shit that matters. It is immensely liberating because it enables the individual to take full responsibility for their own lives. Yes there are flaws, its not the whole answer but it does not deserve the bashing it has had recently. My own modality does address here and now problems but the sheer force of the here and now focus in CBT is impressive.

I certainly applied the theory immediately.

I have been terrified of getting lost for a long time. Its a realy problem and I feel terribly anxious when I venture into a new area. My two day course enabled me to identify where that came from - getting lost on the way to school in a new village when I was 8. Being late for afternoon registration and bursting into tears when the teacher shouted at me.

However knowing that does not really help. Its the maintenance cycle that is the problem.

What I do now.

What I do now is constantly check my route, make sure I have someone with me to direct me. Panic if there is the slightest hiccup and make dangerous driving decisions in an attempt to get out of the situation. Hence I re enforce my belief that I always get lost and I am hopeless

.... so instead of lurking in Starbucks until 7pm to drive home (to avoid the traffic)and phone home to be guided through the M40/M42 bit, I just got in my car and headed for home at 5pm. Rush hour in Oxford. Guess what? I got home safely and I did it in under 2 hours. I did not get lost once and I am now full of confidence. I have tested out my outdated beliefs and found them to be wanting. Time to overwrite the files.

Lots more I could say but I am sitting in a soggy bath robe and could really do with going to bed.

Hugs xxx