Saturday, September 27, 2008
I dropped my son off at university today. He has gone to Aston - almost a stones throw away from the place I was born. Ironic or what. This was always going to be a tough day for me. Saying goodbye to my son was always going to be emotional - however I have always done my very best to encourage him to get out there and experience things. Today I was only reaping a harvest that I had deliberately sown. Didn't stop me crying though.
As I stood in the Autumn sunshine looking out over the high rise buildings of Birmingham my heart almost broke with the grief of all that I did not do all those years ago. I never had the university experience. I was so hamstrung by fear - fear of the World, fear that I may be corrupted by the World, fear of growing up ... fear of everything. I had it burned into my brain by my useless, puritanical religiously fanatical parents - their value system, their warped view of life, their stupid insular, dogmatic prison. I am aware that anger is part of grief and right now I am feeling angry.
I could tear their fecking heads off I am so angry.
I can never have what I lost at that time in my life. I have tried to get it ... boy have a tried to claw it back. I have achieved now. Yes, I do feel proud of what I have done but at this precise moment in time I can not let go of the rage I feel for their inadequate performance.
I am in a cold rage place. Very cold, very vengeful. I am accepting it, accounting for it - not projecting it away from me or denying it.
I am off to Oxford again tomorrow. More pale shadows of what I was cheated out of.
You can call me bitter - but right now that what I need to feel. Thats what is real to me as I contemplate how I stopped the rot for my children and had to climb out of the pit that had been prepared for me.
My son can make his own mind up about things. He has been prepared to embrace life.
I love him with my all.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Well...new guides being symbolic representations of the part of the psyche that are relevant to this particular stage of my journey.
Oh shut up Vixen!
Every new moon I light candles, perform a small ritual and pick my guides for the month. As there are no such things as coincidences (in my universe) then I really do pay attention to the symbols that I pick. If we are all plugged into a matrix of energy and thought is the means by which we affect our reality then the reflection in the cards can be very helpful.
This moon is a biggie for me. I have my interview for THE job on Wednesday, my son goes off to university and I have second installment of CBT training in Oxford. Plus lots of other events. So the guides for this month are particularly important.
My Goddess was Lady of Beasts - Relationship
I desire union
in ways comfortable and appropriate
I open to the dance with another
knowing that it will take me
to all the places I fear
some of the places I love
many of the places that need healing.
I listen with the ears of my heart
and communicate from a place of self-knowing
I consciously give myself away
and know how to take myself back
I see myself reflected
so perfectly in the other
that I begin my most important journey
to seek out and claim
more of who I am
Goddess Oracle Amy Sophia Marashinsky
My animal guide is CAT - guardianship, detachment and sensuality.
Cat unites the spirit world with highly developed sensuality. Thats me all over! I do not believe that spirituality has to be divorced from sensuality and the pleasures of the body. In fact the most incredible spiritual experiences can be based and expressed through sensuality. This is true in my life.
My plant guide is YARROW - fidelity, masculinity and virility
Yarrow is sacred to the Horned one - the epitome of masculine strenth. Strongly sexual. It also points to a powerful, virile figure that may become more important to me ... eeeh I am in for a good month!
As I am going for my interview I need to draw together the lessons of the random. Lady of the Beasts shows me I must focus on the relationships I have already built, my team at work love me - we work well. Cat teaches me that my physical presence is as important as any theory and Yarrow invites me to take what is mine. Be The Lord - the masculine force. Do not be afraid to show my potency.
So there you are. I have had fun - hope my sharing will have piqued your interest a little.
Full moon is a magical time. Enjoy!
Friday, September 12, 2008
What would you do if you had 15 minutes to live?
I have just this minute meandered into my living room to find my son watching The Simpsons movie. I am fond of the Simpsons and managed to catch a 2 minute clip which was rather profound.
As the 'Dome'(if you are not familiar with the film I apologise)descends upon Springfield the congregation of the church rush out onto the street, at the same as the patrons of Mo's bar. Then they swap. Church goers stampeding into the bar to sample some of what they have been missing, and the drinkers rushing into the church to make peace with their maker.
We always want what we haven't had.
I was bought up in a a STRICT (did I emphasise that enough) Christian household where worldly pleasures were frowned on and Shloer was dished up with Sunday lunch in most 'Delph' households. No wine, oh no no no. I now have a hunger for all that is forbidden eg socialising with 'the world', having sex outside of marriage, paganism, studying psychological matters (work of the devil) and general 'wild, free child' experiences.
The reverse is true - the few adult converts that I have known have usually had many years of riotous living in true prodigal son style (drink, drugs, prostitutes etc) and seek to find peace within a religious community, away from the sins of the streets (so to speak).
Perhaps that is just how it is. I know I had to do my unfinished business to find happiness. Unfinished business being the opposite of my originally enforced value system. The shadow has to be experienced and embraced (and bloody well enjoyed)to find contentment.
So what about the last 15 minutes?
What would you do? Pub or Church?
I think I would opt for either deep trance (if I was alone) or complete union with a partner (if I wasn't).
Either way I would want to feel at peace, at one, merged with the universe. No anxiety. No regret. Just there in the moment.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I went to Oxford on a CBT course. It was good. I have been roundly rubbishing CBT for a while (basically because I am scared the government in its infinite wisdom will banish all other forms of therapy) and now I am going to stop rubbishing it. Its good stuff. All the other skills I have learnt are fabulous and I wouldn't swap them but CBT is really logical and scientific, and has the added bonus of not analysing the reasons behind offering to make a cup of tea (for example!)
I am a bit of a science chick (Star Trek's Mr Spock being my earliest role model) and so it fits with me. Cut the waffling, cut the endless navel gazing - lets look at how we all maintain our problems by our own thinking/behaviour. Shit happens but its how WE perpetuate that shit that matters. It is immensely liberating because it enables the individual to take full responsibility for their own lives. Yes there are flaws, its not the whole answer but it does not deserve the bashing it has had recently. My own modality does address here and now problems but the sheer force of the here and now focus in CBT is impressive.
I certainly applied the theory immediately.
I have been terrified of getting lost for a long time. Its a realy problem and I feel terribly anxious when I venture into a new area. My two day course enabled me to identify where that came from - getting lost on the way to school in a new village when I was 8. Being late for afternoon registration and bursting into tears when the teacher shouted at me.
However knowing that does not really help. Its the maintenance cycle that is the problem.
What I do now.
What I do now is constantly check my route, make sure I have someone with me to direct me. Panic if there is the slightest hiccup and make dangerous driving decisions in an attempt to get out of the situation. Hence I re enforce my belief that I always get lost and I am hopeless
.... so instead of lurking in Starbucks until 7pm to drive home (to avoid the traffic)and phone home to be guided through the M40/M42 bit, I just got in my car and headed for home at 5pm. Rush hour in Oxford. Guess what? I got home safely and I did it in under 2 hours. I did not get lost once and I am now full of confidence. I have tested out my outdated beliefs and found them to be wanting. Time to overwrite the files.
Lots more I could say but I am sitting in a soggy bath robe and could really do with going to bed.