Root and Branch

"Twisty old devil.
Looked as if it held a grudge in every scabby branch, and if you touched it there'd be sharp, pointy bits, like thorns. And it wouldn't give you any fruit, on principle, wassail or no wassail, because, left to rot, apple trees ...
...they grows resentful."

Isn't that just great? It sums up why I like the Pagan slant on things, it gives nature 'teeth', it restores power to living things and revives the sinister - creating a healthy respect for ecosystems. Wicca embraces the Shadow, light is not light without the dark, things have to decay so that life can be reborn. The Seasonal Dance embraces death as well as life, the Crone is as important as the Maiden, the Sage is as potent as the young Hunter.

I like the beauty of the sinister, the hidden creepiness behind nursery rhymes, the dark underbelly of fairy tales. The glorious artwork of Arthur Rackham is a personal favourite and encapsulates what I am talking about, it also brings me back to trees. Rackham's trees are utterly wonderful! As I look out of my living room window at the remnant of Bagott Wood striding across the skyline - stark, brooding and infinitely beautiful, I know that a million memories are stored amongst the roots, bark and branches. Oh how I wish there were Ents in the world! I love trees - one of the reasons paganism appeals - root and branch are part of the culture.

My next post will be, 'What it means to be a Witch!' Kahless requested this some time ago, and I am busy writing notes for you all. Plus there is Bobo's tag about music, (cough cough ... much shuffling embarrassment to come with that one).

Have a lovely evening, and while you are doing so, remember to embrace the shadow, make peace with the dark side, let what you no longer need fall to the forest floor and look forward to sunlight and joy in the new year.

Full Moon Magic

Every full moon I draw my guides and symbols for the month. When the moon is full the tides of intuition and magick flow at their strongest. It is a time for searching the subconscious, bringing that which is known but unseen into conscious awareness.

Last night I stood outside in the crisp Winter air and allowed the silver light of the moon to bathe my skin. She was so bright - no other lights were needed, and living in the countryside as I do, the stars could be seen shining brightly in the dark, dark vault of heaven.

Then I slipped inside, cast a simple circle with a staff and silent salutation to the four quarters; then drew my symbols.

My Goddess for this lunar month is Nut - for those that read me regularly you will know that I see the Goddess as symbolic of the life force of the planet. The power of the atom manifest in nature. To paraphrase the wonderful Starhawk, you don't 'believe' in a rock, it just is; So it is with Goddess energy. Nut appeals to me, her energy is what I need at this present time - with dissertation looming and a full time job on the cards, as well as dealing with complex emotional issues - Nut is Goddess of Mystery.

Reach for me
touch me
I am always beyond your grasp
Don't try to figure me out
for you can't
I am the ever-present unfathomable unknown
I am the immensity of the star-filled sky
I am beyond human comprehension
In the vastness of my being
I am a mystery
even to myself

This is really relevent to me, the beauty and the power of the words have touched me; it could have been written about me - well the bits that do not tap into narcissistic goddess hood! I do feel as if I am a mystery even to myself. Maybe that is why I analyse others - it brings me closer to understanding me.

We all have mystery within us. How fabulous! The mystery of life and the beauty of the universe is what is missing in the depths of depression, and the nightmare of constant anxiety. Mystery always needs to be restored to tread the path to health and fully experience life.

I wish you all a restful and happy Christmas, a serene and successful New Year; most of all I wish you all a great big portion of magical, elusive, exciting and inspiring Mystery.

A Christmas Carol - therapy in action!

Yesterday I did my huge pile of ironing. It had been slowly brooding in the corner of the Snug and I knew that it had to be tackled. I also knew it was a good opportunity to drink Snowballs and watch something super Christmasy.

I had wrapped the last of my presents - there were lots of them, they were all shiny and elegant, beribboned and under the tree, (a glorious solstice pine festooned with baubles and pretty things). So with the last of the preparations taken care of it was time to iron. Now I dont mind ironing - the rhythmic nature of it is soothing, the folding of clothes, the warm comforting sound of the steam. Baby Vix loves it when I iron - she curls up on the sofa and we watch something together.

Yesterday, in order to be suitably festive, we chose A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. It is utterly wonderful, and I highly recommend it; His one man show is even better so I have been told!

As I watched with all the usual emotion, I was aware of how this was a Script story for me. As a child I loved this tale, as an adult I am always struck by its genius and what a magnificent social commentary it was for its day. I used to read this story every Christmas as a kid - I was always going to wind up as a psychotherapist!!

What a tale of redemption, of change, of hope.

The ghost of Christmas Past deconfuses the Child, clarifies the impasse between Scrooges Be Strong parent driver behaviour and negative script messages inherited from a grief stricken father, dead mother and a host of schoolmasters, and his Child need to feel, to enjoy, to be important and to belong. The Ghost brilliantly enables Scrooge to do his Early Scene pieces.

The Ghost of Christmas Present continues the decontamination work of the Adult ego state, and enables Scrooge to receive good healthy Modelling of how to enjoy and to feel. He opens up the possibility of belonging by offering a reparitive parenting experience and a good healthy dose of reality testing.

The Ghost of Christmas Future confronts Scrooge's discounting (cathexis style for you TA people)he offers a projected outcome and the full horror that entails. He also employs a rather hypnotherapeutic style, taking Scrooge into the future, allowing him to anchor his redecision using negative reinforcement to drive home the necessity of change.

How marvelous it all is. Psycho babble (worthy therapy speak!)aside it is the most fabulous story. Every time Scrooge laughs for the first time following his salvation, the hairs stand up on my arms. I always want to dance around with joy when he embraces life, the season and himself for the first time in many years. I love it when he turns up at his nephews house, and experiences acceptance and reconciliation... and when Bob Cratchett gets his wage rise, well - I usually burst into a spontaneous round of applause.

I am a natural Saviour, not always a bad thing - has to be controlled to give space for others to make their journey in and with their own strength, but oh how I love to facilitate and witness that process, and jump for joy when the beauty of the soul emerges and decides to live!

"It was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!"

Almost Yule

The end of the year - and the beginning of a new one always inspires me to make changes, set goals, do things differently. Its a natural process that most of us go through. Gyms and slimming clubs brace themselves for the January rush, journals get kept religiously, and all sorts of fresh starts burst out of us as we seek to change!

This next year I am going to set a few goals - just a few as opposed to the 30 I set myself last year.

I am going to write my dissertation.
I am going to get a counselling job, as opposed to self employed insecurity.
I am going to acheive an ideal weight of 10 stone 2 lbs.
I am going to become more active spiritually - observe the festivals and moons, preferably in a new group
I am going to maintain and deepen my friendships

That will do for now.

I am also going to write more on my blog - use this space as an online Book of Shadows and share my enthusiasm for wicca,female energy and divinity,celebrating the masculine too!

I have been through a difficult time. Its been a rich learning process. This year I want to sparkle!

Very quick quickie

Pixie's party was fab. I shall put up a proper post tomorrow, yule tide preparations and the growing pile of admin not withstanding.

Recently I have not had the energy or inclination to blog. Tooooo many domestic issues, and the fear that blogs allow free expression of thoughts and feelings that can change, that are a progression to an end point. Unfortunately that process can lead others to draw false conclusions, or become afraid or suspicious or just feel frightened that there is this whole world out there that seems dazzling when in fact its just people writing about the stuff going on in their lives.

So I have been withdrawn, a hermit phase which I am ready to emerge from.

Love you all - in the way that one can love the object of internal projection without external reality checking, although that does not apply to the 1,2,3,4 ... 5,6 that I do know face to face. Love you lot too :o)

Its Friday night .... on the sofa

Hello everyone - its the start of the weekend, yay!

Got nothing much to say so I will just write some random stuff. I am in good spirits having consumed a pint of 'loverly cider' and half a bottle of very very good white wine. The new Eagles CD is on the stereo, I like the Eagles - I went to see them in concert this Summer. At least I think it was this year, the whole year seems to have been a blur. But anyway they were fantastic, they still got it even though they are ancient! The latest CD is as good as anything they have ever done. Which brings me to the meme tag administered by Bobo - I have not forgotten oh Mighty one - I have been planning it and will get my finger out over the weekend.

Tonight me, Mr Vix and Baby Vix (14 and red hot!) were watching Frasier. An absolute favourite (reminiscent of the Mighty Bobo mentioned above) and in the episode we were watching there was an altercation between Niles and Frasier about sibling rivalry. I exclaimed to Mr Vix (both of us being first born) that I could not be the youngest, absolutely not .... Baby Vix cleared her throat and gave me one of those fabulous disapproving looks that only offspring can reproduce; she being the youngest. It was priceless .... still laughing about it.

Oh yes, and I am officially a pervert .... having observed Baby Vix flirting outrageously with the lad down the road I observed that he was very broad, very fit and hell, very young!!!! She was outraged and is now seriously worried about my attendance at the village bonfire tomorrow. (BBY VIX NOW! SHE IS CONSTANTLY TLKING ABOUT HIM!!!! and how she ses she can get him in a flash if she cliks her fingers! I'M VERY CONCERNED LOL!! AND VVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY embarrassed!!!!! lol!)

So I think I should sign off now, hanging my over 40 year old head in shame and leave you to enjoy the samhain pics - hope you are all feeling wonderful!!!

Samhain is a coming

After the most torrid and shitty weekend I am feeling a bit more bouncy today. Bouncy is good! I have to go out in about ten minutes to do my last evenings work at the Day Spa I 'used' to work at. My new NHS contract meant it was no longer viable. As I sit here now I really wish I had been a bit more ruthless with my notice period. Hard day at the surgery does not make for the freshest of minds, especially with an hours drive there and back, but never the less it has to be done.

Thought I would leave you all a quick post before I go because it is Samhain on Wednesday. As part of my build up to the big day I have been burning a particularly lovely incense from Star Child and thought I would share the write up with you, to give you all a flavour of what is happening at this point in the turning year ...

The leaves are falling and the life force is in obvious retreat. Nature is preparing for its winter sleep. The Sun God is dead and the Earth Goddess is mourning. But in the hidden depth of the earth, death works its alchemy of transformation. Imperceptibly it decomposes and regenerates so that the litter of leaves and debris become the fertile ground that will nourish next year's growth. The veils between the worlds are thin at this time of the year and life and death are but opposite poles of the same continuously regenerating energy.

Samhain is a time to honour the dead and to contemplate the mysteries of life, death and regeneration. It is a time to turn inwards and in the depth and silence of our souls we confront our shadows and our own mortality.

So there you have it, couldn't have put it better myself (well a bit of that is actually me). In alchemical terms it is a festival of water and earth. Psychic powers, imagination, emotion, wisdom and love blend with practicality, sensuality, prosperity and the material world.

Any divination done on the night will be especially powerful, so get the tools of your choice out and see what the year ahead holds.

I will be spending Samhain out with Pixie, and will be holding my own celebration the following day. My witchletts are not able to meet merrily on the night but we will make up for it at Yule.

Blessed Be!

Horrid Feelings

I am having a painful feelings day today. Its ironic that I work with intense emotion every day in my job; I soothe, help, witness, account for and accept feelings that my clients experience, yet when it comes to my own I honestly believe that I can put them in nice neat little boxes and move on as if nothing has happened.

I learned to put my feelings away when I moved house at 8 years old and left all my friends behind. I was not allowed to cry because then Dad would feel bad about moving the family from relative security to a ramshackle old dump of a place with no toilet. When I got bullied at my new school I was not allowed to even admit it because Dad would feel bad ....etc etc So I really did get very strong and self contained.

When I got to 14 and defied my mother in my choice of 'boyfriend' I was subjected to 6 years of intense emotional and physical cruelty. I could not cry, I just got on with life. It really was terrible to be placed outside the normal activities of my family and be punished everyday, often physically attacked, without being able to leave. I got very very strong and self contained. I was resigned to it all - and fiercely defiant.

When my life unravelled mid thirties I went for every medical test known to man. 'I must have a brain tumour, or a degenerative neurological disorder, I must be ill'. I never 'felt' anything I just could not function. It was only when I was diagnosed with chronic depression that I started to account for it all. Yet I am not really sure that I am comfortable with my own feelings, even now.

I run from it. I run constantly - I am the worlds best at partying in order to hide the pain. I don't do it deliberately its just that I survived by doing this and it is my default setting.

So now when I begin to feel - it always hits me like a train. What?!! What the hell is this that's going on - why isn't this in my nice little storage system. So today, I am sitting with my feelings and its shit! I WILL feel better tomorrow. In the mean time its an education.

Back on the Running Machine

I woke up full of the joys this morning. Feel rather jaded this evening after clients and supervision - especially as I wrestled with my 7.30 till she got to the emotion she had been suppressing for absolutely ages. Phew! I felt like a midwife. Lots of pain and struggle, but such a relief when it was over.

I had breaky by candle light. Porridge with chopped banana - and in between clients I got back to my running. Having been a poorly Queenie, the running has taken a back seat. Oh it was sooooo good. To feel my muscles working hard, to sweat - to feel the cold air on my skin. I am really beginning to appreciate my body. (I tend to live in my head). I cant wait to get back in there, in the garage - yes, I run amongst the collection of weelie bins, yes I am in between the garden furniture and the lawnmower, and yes it can be bloody cold in the Winter - but when Metallica is blasting out of the (rather cleverly rigged up) DVD and big screen, and my feet are pounding the rubber - I am really in the moment, alive and vital!

The pleasures of the body seems to be such a new discovery for me (apart from the obvious ;o) and I am booked in on a body therapy marathon in November too; a bit of a theme. Maybe it has something to do with Earth energy about to arrive. Time to enjoy the sensuous pleasures we all have at our finger tips .... literally!

Nice to Know

You Are the Ego

You take a balanced approach to your life. You definitely aren't afraid to act out on your desires - even crazy ones. But you usually think first. Morals drive you as much as hedonism does. You've been able to live a life of pleasure... without living a life of excess.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?