The Journey

I used to tread a very narrow path - after all, "Wide is the gate and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction". My world consisted of my family, my church and my home.

How could such a narrow place ever contain me?

I tried to stay within it beleiving it to be "right" - that reward was to be had in the diminishing of self, the withdrawing from experience and the covering of the veil.

When I look back now, I feel compassion for myself. My poor fragile, poorly self and I do give thanks that I had that experience because now ... now I love every minute of my life. Every busy, frantic, wonderful minute!

People tell me to slow down, to take it easy, to give myself a break. Why? Why ... when there is so much to do, and see and feel!

Spirit knows no frontiers, adventure ventures where it will,
Horizons lead to more horizons, time won't let us stop too still
And life is such a tempting menu, there is so much left to eat,
Borders mustn't cage the spirit, borders only stop our feet.



I had some Shamanic Healing in November. It was an amazing experience and it removed the final block to movement.

The block was a long held family script belief that movement forward will mean death. 70 years ago my great Aunt announced to her family that she was no longer going to attend the Church that she wanted more out of life, she wanted to explore an make her own way in the world. Within a week of her decision she was killed in a road accident - she was 19 years old.

Because of her death my father was born.

I have carried this tragedy and the moral message that was spun through the fibre of the family since birth. It took a long time to find the energy hiding in my body - it was in my right hip (a place where I had experienced pain for many years. Once the healer found it and I requested that it leave - it came from me. I uttered primal, gutteral cries as my body bucked and shuddered. It was like giving birth.

Then it was gone, I glimpsed for a moment my Great Aunt ... smiling and I had a new belief.

To move is to live!

I no longer experience pain in my hip or my heart.

I drink to you, brothers and sisters who take to the road, with
Your dreams and your visions,
Your spirits alive with the flow of your movement,
Seeking and venturesome along with the wistful and blue,
Shaping new lives from the uncharted patterns of life as it happens,
Day by day, day by day,
From the uncharted patters of life as it hapens, finding new ways

Brian Boothby; Trafalgar

Phew - what a relief!

Been tidying!

Not just general tidying but finally clearing my study. It was so bad the cat was using it as a litter tray. I am ashamed!

Anyway - 3 hours and 2 Gin and tonics later I can move again. My desk has emerged from the chaos, it does exist it was not just a figment of my imagination.

I feel lighter, clearer - and able to face my day of admin tomorrow.

I started my CBT course in London this week. So far so good - I was the only counsellor the rest were clinical psychologists and one rather eccentric psychiatrist. I think I am going to love it - especially as I come out the other end a fully fledged supervisor as well as a therapist (Wooooooo)

Another BIG benefit is that Mei is going to put me up once a fortnight. Hopefully we will be able to have some girlie time together - and some wine. Cant thank her enough so Mei if your reading this - you are a star!

Right ... now for the ironing. Resembles Ben Nevis - going to take a long time!

Quite a bit of Psyche but not much Magick

I was worrying about my blog at at 4am this morning. I do tend to sprinkle in a lot of 'Psyche' in the form of psychotherapy, personal disclosure - some theory woven in to the fabric. But where is the Magick? I know I may be falling woefully short on that one. I have a number of readers who have impressive backgrounds in the Craft and often wonder whether they find my blog a bit of a let down.

I suppose I can only be me - and if that means ranting about my mother rather than discussing the merits of the waxing or waning moon then it will have to be so! I am only human after all - with a bit of valkeryie thrown in.

Moon phases are actually one of my spiritual focuses this year. I have the most beautiful diary - Earth Pathways - produced by the Moonshare Co-operative. The moon phase is on each days entry and its proving invaluable.

I have been happily in tune with the Wheel of the Year for some time now - the solstices and equinoxes plus the 4 Celtic celebrations. It provides a wonderful psycho spiritual structure. The Sun is observed admirably in my yearly routine but what of the moon? The moon, after all, holds special spiritual and symbolic significance for women .. but its not just women - Earth's magnetic field follows lunar cycles, and I believe that it affects men as well(I have a very close friend who can track his 'period' and gives prior warning to those that know him!)

Full moon is notoriously a time of restlessness, instinct and wild urges - think the symbology of the were wolf: the wild spirit of man released by the power of the moon. Moon dark is a time of contemplation and withdrawing, a time when we should curl up and cherish ourselves. I am a great believer in rhythm - I think it is the key to physical and mental health.

During this time of the waxing moon why not allow your New Year resolutions to gradually increase in power, bit by bit becoming more solid rather than an all or nothing approach - by full moon on the 11th they will be in full flow. Its what I am doing and I already feel more in control, a far less precarious position to be in than a 'one slip will ruin it all' mind set.

Moon blessings to you all!

Well it was not so bad ... but wont be doing it again!

The anticipated blow up never happened. It nearly did, surprisingly on Xmas eve when my harridan mother commiserated with Mr Vix for having such a wayward wife - the waywardness was accepting a place on a course in London in the new year ... What?!!?

In fact she has no idea of the true Vixenlike behaviour that I get up to! Such a respectable exterior and such fabulous, finger-licking fun in reality.

I felt drained and worn out when they finally all left. Its horrid going back to an adapted place in order to keep the peace.

In fact I felt so drained I vowed to do something totally different the following day.

Wait for it ... I went to the Boxing day sales.

I have roundly rubbished the sales for many a year, scorning the consumerism, sneering at the commercialisation however I was so desperate to do something non traditional (for me) that I raced in there. It was great! No crowds - some wonderful bargains and a brand new start for my 'new me'wardrobe.

I have the book - Look ten years younger - Nicky Hamilton-Jones. Its a must! I have been told off on every page for letting myself go, being slovenly and bemoaning not being the true sparkly me while working my way through 3 bags of chips!

Enough of the excuses!

This year I get slim, I revamp my image and I stop clinging on to a view I had of myself 25 years ago.

I started today with THE WARDROBE CULL!!!

It was scary - very scary but I did it. Two bin liners full of hardly worn clothes are off to the charity shop. I now know what I have, I am realistic and inspired to show off my curves. Best way of doing that is to lose the stodge around my waist and hips. Plus, its important to look fabulous now and not feel guilty every time I open my cupboards and see a size 12 from yesteryear.

A year ago my focus was on friends and social life. Last year it was career. This year its my body! I achieved the other two and as I don't do failure anymore I am looking forward succeeding with this one.

Its something I just have to do!

Christmas needs to be a Script free zone!

I realised as I went about my chores yesterday that Christmas was turning into the same old depressing ritual.

I love my life - its full of love, friends, excitement and achievement - but yesterday was crap and getting crapper.

There was I ironing for England with the dusting, cleaning and various housework tasks to do. Not at all Christmasy. I was feeling like a regular Bob Cratchett. How come its so horrid every year? How come I cant seem to capture the magic? Reading Boo's Blog helped in the realisation that I was doing something that really was not me.

As I lay in bed last night it occured to me. I am suprised the intensity of the illumination did not light up the entire street - rather like Rudolph.

I am doing my Mom and Dad's script.

For as long as I can remember they clean the house from top to bottom ready for Christmas. I am simply following an introjected "how to" from my crusty old parents who would not be allowed to have a good time if it fell in their laps and wriggled about a bit.

So I decided. No more fag butt tidy up script for me! No more chores! Embrace the dust, celebrate the beauty of the clutter and admire the natural mandala of the bits on the carpet. Sod them. I am having a holiday!

Suprise! Suprise! I am like a tinsel covered Christmas fairy today. Its been great. I have pampered myself all day - bath, face pack, painted nails - relaxed! Cant wait to pack the sacks tonight - going to watch old Patrick Stewart strutting his stuff as Scrooge over a plate of fish and chips (no cooking either)and I am about to crack open a 4 pack of snowballs!

Christmas is officially a Script Free zone!

Newbie

Go check out this blog - its ace! ... and boo is gorgeous.

Rediscovering the Inner Boo

"Christmas is no time for innovation"

Winter Solstice had now past and the Wheel has turned. For me the new year has already begun which means the damp squib of 31st of December does not have any significance.

I do my best to break up from work on the Solstice which means the New Year gets off to a cracking start with the traditional Christmas week and a nice fortnight before back to work.

One blot on the landscape for me this year.

I RECKLESSLY invited my family to share in the festive turkey feast on the 25th.

This means I will have to contend with my cross dressing Dad - still firmly in the closet because of my christian fundamentalist mother and my christian fundamentalist mother. My father looks to me to give him permissions to be himself, my mother seeks to reassure herself that I am not dabbling in any dark arts. Mr Vix has not forgiven my mother for her appalling behaviour towards me in my youth and goes round on the edge of an outburst of rage. This increases exponentially to the amount of alcohol consumed.

As you can already see - its potentially volatile.

Dad tends to snivel all the way through the day, mourning his lack of self expression while mother tends to become more and more dogmatic in her views as the day goes on. Tut, tut, tutting her way through the day. Everything is 'worldly' and debauched. All musicians/actors/creative types are on drugs. Psychotherapy and all my personal interests are evil. My friends are sinners. My children are given too much freedom ...blah blah blah.

Mr Vix gets steadily more outragious to shake my mother from her pious perch.

As if that is not bad enough - I have also gone for maximum masochism - also on the guest list are:-

Brother in Law (never speaks),
Sister (heading the same way as my mother),
Nephew (heading the same way as my father),
Niece - eats for England, resembles a plague of locusts and has a penchant for going through my cupboards - if she discovers all my pagan paraphernalia and decides to out me then you can imagine the volcanic eruption that will take place.

Why did I do it? Why oh why?

Next year - Barbados!

Party Time!

I am just about to get ready for the first party of the festive season. Wooo hooo!

I have a luscious long dress which is strapless - risky business with my boobs.

However I popped into my local specialist bra shop - not that local actually but the only place that seems to stock bras that fit me. (small back/big cup size).

It was a breeze. I was anticipating hours of torrid trying on, having to stare at my battered abdomen in horribly unflattering mirrors and generally regretting buying a strapless dress (you fool woman!)

But I went in - the lovely assistant had only one - I tried it on - it was fab - I paid and left.

I shall put a pic or two up on my blog (and facebook page) to show you my purchase (dress NOT bra) and will be dancing into the wee small hours.

Have fun!

Fancy expanding your mind?

I have been listening to Seth. Its fascinating stuff I can tell you! The kind of experience that puts your brain in a sack and gives it a damn good shake up.

I like it. In fact I more than like it - I am thinking of getting a couple of flags and bunting and pinning my colours to the mast.

Seth is a 'channelled' voice - a thought form from a parallel dimension. He speaks about the nature of all things, time, space, religion, creating reality based on beliefs... or he may be the subconscious brilliance of a 1960's poet.

I am inclined to plump for the former although many will hold with the latter.

So what does he say?

Religion is myth - a set of stories and metaphors to teach universal lessons. Yep - I will go with that one. Inner journeying is the only way to attain wisdom rather than have it dictated from a pulpit - again, sign me up for that point of view. We each create our own reality based on our belief system, thought equals matter, astral projection/dreams/intuition/creativity is journeying along our own probable identity streams etc etc

Plus all matter is seen as having a consciousness - a spirit, an intent,all part of a living breathing 'all that is'. Ahh yes - The Goddess alive and well and manifested in this physical corner of the multidimensional universe.

Like I say - brain, sack, shake, shake.

Good stuff.

Its official!

Happy Samhain - tis the start of the new year tomorrow - the Celtic new year that is.

I was initiated into the Craft proper last night. It was amazing - a truly joyful, spiritual experience.

I have a new name and feel very fresh and young.

I also got told I have a silver aura with sparkly bits which means I am a clairvoyant. (Second time I have been told that so evidence is building) I was up for hearing anything along those lines last night. I also got told that I live in my head a lot of the time and I am a Creator of parallel worlds.

Ah .... good witchy stuff indeed.

I am just off to soak in a bath full of magical bubbles, drink a bottle of cider and relax into my new status.

Blessings of light and darkness to you all. For there is not one without the other.

Much love my precious blog chums.