Jelly Babies

I must stop eating jelly babies. I always begin like a frenzied shark - snaffling and chomping. Then when the stomach finally registers that there is an excess of gelatin, sugar and psychedelic food colouring its too late and I feel sick as a dog.

Groan!

I like the orange ones - how about you?

Something light hearted and lemony

See, see - I am still creating time to blog! Although today I am not going to be posting something thought provoking or particularly stimulating - that's because I have a curry about to arrive. It was going to be garlic mushrooms, crusty bread and salad but after a valiant struggle (cough!) I gave in to the general wishes and have opted for an Indian. I have had a veggie one tonight - part of my new way of thinking about weight, karma and not eating dead flesh.

Sooooo my little post is about anti-perspirant. I have given it up!

Now before you all rush off to find pegs and stuff let me explain. I still smell sweetly. I have never really been a 'sweater' so smearing dodgy stuff that clogs up my pores, glands and may even be implicated in breast cancer seems a dangerous waste of time and money.

Instead I have opted for a block deodorant from Lush which smells zingy, lemony and fresh. Lemon essential oil is a natural bactericide and good old talc, which is the base product, soaks up any perspirings a treat. My other alternative is a dab of Starchild Tantra oil which is musky and spicy. I feel much better - there is too much sterile, ultra clean thinking that goes on anyway. Plus everyone I know says I have a natural scent with is 'divine' (and I quote) therefore I am not going to worry about aluminium containing cloggers anymore. I shall let my body breathe and do what it is supposed to.

I do like the smell of sweat on a man - so why shouldn't men have the same kind of response to women. [Caveat: Providing its not stale and has developed into rancid BO]. Sweat contains pheromones. Those are gooooood! I think we mask too much of our real selves in many ways, the earthy scent of the body is luscious - I am going natural.

Hedging my Bets

I realised last night what a bet hedger I really am.

I have been attending a Buddhist meditation class recently: Good anti-stress measure plus some stimulating adult conversation.

However last night I did find myself at odds with the 'teacher'. The subject of Karma, rebirth and animals. I don't actually subscribe to the Buddhist path but I do like some of the teachings so it was all too much for me when we were encouraged to let our pets die of natural causes instead of trying to end suffering by euthanasia. I was outraged. The principle is that if we terminate the suffering then the soul of the animal cannot ripen its karma and so takes a low rebirth again... er .. So that means my cat who had her face smashed in by a hubcap would have had to either bleed or starve to death. I don't think so!!!

At the end of the class I ended up having to explain my reticence and got the feeling that the teacher felt I was simply unable to show the faith that was necessary, and therefore should be treated with long suffering and compassion for my error. Whatever - there is no way I think animals should suffer. Full stop.

During the course of the debate I found myself defending and explaining
1. My Christian frame of reference
2. My Pagan frame of reference
3. The bits of the Buddhist frame of reference that I sign up for

So many spiritual paths? It can only mean one thing, in a truly cosmic sense - "No one is going to get me" - with all the bases covered I should be bomb proof!

Post Heisenbergs uncertainty principle ... and getting things done

"Whatever you send out is what you draw back in. Take responsibility for the thoughts and emotions you send out, for they go into the universe and create the events and circumstances that come back to you"

"Its your belief system that runs every moment of your lives"

These are just two quotes from my latest reading material, Living Magically by Gill Edwards. One of my clients bought it for me as a yuletide gift - just before she magically disappeared into the ether. I am enjoying it! My therapist screwed up her nose and gave me a disparaging look when I mentioned it but there again my therapist and I are not generally on the same wavelength. I guess some of it could be dismissed as flaky but most of it is stunningly truthful and carries the 'Life Changing' label in full technicolour.

I am currently examining my own belief system which is full of catastrophic thinking - eek! I am also currently seeking to change my beliefs. I have observed that how we think, what we believe actually does affect what happens to us... or maybe it provides a filter which only allows us to see the things that fit in with our belief system. Now, I am not by any means apportioning blame to the individual - I am not saying that victims of abuse and war and crime 'ask' for these things to happen. I would never suggest such a thing and those that do show a deeply damaging and cruel way of framing experience.

What I am talking about are the things such as - "I can never be thin", "life is hard", "I will never have enough money" etc etc base line beliefs about experience which I do think affects us and shapes our lives.

The one that has recently come to light for me is "I never have enough time". Big theme for me, and one I will regularly churn out. I cant do x,y and z because I never have enough time. I cant call, text, blog because I never have enough time. I am someone who is invariably late! I adore Alice in Wonderland - how does it start? - the white rabbit is late and nervously looking at his watch! Time is a theme for me. I enjoy films and TV that involve time travel, I am fascinated by new scientific understanding of time as a circular phenomenon as opposed to a linear force. Time, time, time.

So I decided today that I DID have enough time, and you know what ... I have managed to do everything that I wanted too. Even a 40 minute journey in the car turned out to be 30 mins (no speeding involved, alas, my points tally is getting way too big). So here I am having blogged again - read everyones' blogs and commented. I have a meditation class tonight and I am twiddling my thumbs. By believing I have enough time - I have enough time.

With one proviso ... I have not done my menus for the week. I have not planned out my healthy lunches and low calorie meals ... so here we have another belief system. "I always have to struggle with my weight". The only task I have not completed relates to facilitating my own healthy weight. See how it works? So now I am off to do that job because I CAN be a healthy weight without having to starve, struggle or be bloody miserable!

Tidy Room - Tidy Mind - Big insight

I always know when I am feeling OK - a sense of inner peace and serenity pervading - when I get the urge to tidy.

I have been told I am a messy person - well yes I can be.

I have been accused of just leaving stuff around - well again, yes this is true.

However I am not an inherently messy person because I do love to tidy and organise.

In order to do this it has to get into a mess first! That is my undeniable logic.

There is a good reason why I develop a 'wall of shame' in my bedroom, or allow the bathroom shelf to get cluttered or let my jewelery fall into a state of shambolic disrepair. Its so I can tidy it up, and look at all the floor space, tidy pots of body stuff and sparkly bracelets and feel a sense of immense satisfaction!

I have had a blissful afternoon tidying. Tidying myself first and foremost by sorting out my exfoliants, my bath bubbles, melts and fizzing bath ballistics, organising the bathroom shelf into nail things, face creams, body lotions and the terribly satisfying shower shelf, shampoos in one bit, moisturisers in another - you get the picture.

Sorted out my reading material - my tottering pile of bedside books is now only 6 volumes high. My eclectic collection of esoteric symbolic jewelery is all sorted according to colour, wood, metal etc. Giving my Obsessive Compulsive part a run out has done me a power of good.

Eeee by gum its been grand!!!

As part of my inner journey through the medium of a tidying frenzy - I became aware of a script story I carry as part of my inner programme. Snow White. It hit me like a bolt of lightening; bring on all the rabbits and squirrels, the deer can help too - lets just get everything spick and span. In fact I am convinced that Snow White is more of a script story than Sleeping Beauty (the one I always thought it was) Snow White fits the bill a lot more - scarily so.

My Mum was a lovely Mum until I got to 14 - when I began to grow up and become a threat to her. My mother is a striking woman, jet black hair, emerald eyes, a sort of mediteranian look about her, shapely and tall - she always had an entourage of men in tow. I was born when she was 20 so she was also young.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all ...

My mother turned against me once I developed my own charms. Blonde hair, saphire blue eyes, a scandanavian look about me - shapely and tall. So when the men began to notice me she treated me in the most savage and brutal way. I endured 6 years of emotional and physical abuse from her until I finally left by the only means I knew how. I got married at 20 years old.

Then followed years of housework. Cooking, cleaning - caring for my man and my family. I was the perfect little Snow White, however as my lack of fullfillment began to grow like a tumour in my 'perfect' life so I began to entertain ideas of dying. The glass coffin was strangely seductive, I imagined I was ill - that it was terminal, I may as well have been dead as there was little joy in my life and the future seemed like a bleak and grey nothingness.

Thankfully I rejected the poisened apple my mother offered me; a life lived in unhappiness and I got myself out of the fairy tale.

Funny how tidying can lead to such musings - thought I would share it with you as I feel humbled by the knowledge. Our beliefs systems shape our lifes. Mine changed, I am so so grateful that it did.

Will be blogging at Weekend

Hello, hello all you lovely bloggers.

I am having a weekend off this weekend - (after being ill, going to conference, then straight back to work, private clients on top of that - supervision all day Saturday, housework Sunday, work all week, private session this evening - 4 tomorrow)...I am so looking forward to A BLOODY WONDERFUL WEEKEND OFF.

Top of my agenda is blogging - well actually its 'lush' bath first, shave legs and stuff (shuffle) then blogging and responding to emails and generally catching up on the friendships that have been unattended for a while - including my cyber ones. Phew!!!

I was supposed to be writing part of my dissertaion this weekend but I cant do it all - and I am not prepared to either; So I am going to fiddle about and sleep and sort out my menus (yes I do weekly menus - all very obsessive compulsive of me).

Just one bit of news ...

I got a BLOODY speeding fine AGAIN - those dratted cameras, its deliberate! The one that caught me is on 'the Stafford road towards bloxwich' those of you that know it will be aware its a nightmare. There must be 15 cameras and 15 cunningly disguised different speed restrictions. Is it 40 or maybe 50, perhaps it just went to a 30 - whoops no, its OK - 50 again - wop on the brakes its now 30 with about 3 yards warning. Of course it is a fantastic money spinner for whoever rakes in the ill gotten takings - stolen from law abiding citizens. I now have to fork up £60 and have a grand total of 6 points on my licence. Thinking of joining the association that spray paints lenses of these monsters or sets fire to them - I see it as a public service!

See you soon xxxx

Just about back in the Land of the Living

Hello to you all - and thank you for your comments on my previous post - written oh so long ago. Just as I thought I would have a lovely bank holiday to blog - I got the flu! I mean the real thing.

Has led me to muse upon working too hard and how its not good for the immune system. Plus some very deep thinking on the 'I'm not allowed to be happy' message I carry around in my script. I battle with this little blighter and mostly win the battle but it has a happy knack of popping out on the somatic level just when I feel happy such as A nice long Easter holiday or The fun packed Psychotherapy conference scheduled for the end of the week. Once a wave of deep contentment strikes my 'I cant be happy' musters the troops and comes out full combat mission to strike me down and make me stay in bed, sniffling and full of woe.

Well you know what - I think his time is up because in spite of my illness I have still read, and meditated, sorted stuff out and watched some cracking DVDs. So there - yah boo sucks!!! I am having a delicate chicken and apricot curry tonight - OK so he managed to put the 'chilli explosion' off the menu but so what! Being content in spite of being ill seems to have helped my immune system to rally. I have got out of bed and am being extraordinarily nice to me. I feel better already and will be blogging properly before I hop off to the conference. That's a promise.

I have been tagged by Darth - cheers Mister, I will attend to that and I am going to have to put the Word Verification thingy on for comments. Sorry about that but I have been spammed as Hedgewizard predicted I would.

If you have found my post a little bizarre. Blame it on the fever!

Sorry for being so quiet....

I am aware that I have not written a lot recently. Its not intentional - its just the readjustment period to working 22 hours at the GP's. It means I am back later and my private clients are getting squeezed into two days - hence not as much time as I used to have.

I am sure it will settle and I will get into a rhythm. I am aware I have not been reading all your wonderful blogs - I feel the poorer for it. Just give me a chance to sort myself out and it will be business as usual.

I have my Sons bash to write about - observations of freedom, and the energy of teenagers.

The recent moot is another topic - good stuff on survival and the sympathetic nervous system, plus pagan observations - always good.

Ok so there are my apologies. Will be back hopefully later in the week. Till then I will be thinking of you xxx

I have had a bollocking

I need to process this - on one hand I am outraged, on the other filled with mortification.

I submitted my last two assignments for my Post Grad Diploma at the end of Feb, as my regular readers will know. I thought I had written them all but it turned out more pounds of flesh were needed. In order not to bugger up my 'Big exam/Masters' progression I used two questions from the dissertation as the basis for the last two assignments.

Still with me? ... good.

As these were being submitted for Diploma they needed 'Short Titles' on the 'Front Sheet' - a piece of paper that gives details of stage of training, word count etc. Having been vaguely aware that trainees have been urged to 'invent' short titles to simplify the process of categorisation (if the assignments are not the 'official' titles given after each topic training) then I condensed the titles and (as I thought) duly obliged. Turned out I should have written 'BigExam'1 and 'BigExam'11. This MAY have been communicated through the medium of a dusty edict issued when the handbooks were given out ... but to be honest it was news to me.

These two assignments are critical for my graduation in May.

Hello??? ... still there? .. OK last bit.

I got a snotty letter today which filled me with alarm - enclosed were two amended front sheets that had been photocopied.

The first three paragraphs of the letter outlined my transgression, outlined the consequences of my transgression and the fact that I would not have my assignments marked in time ... hence no graduation. Cue the shaking hands, ashen features and general palpitations. I was told in no uncertain terms how pathetic/lazy/wicked/ criminally insane I was.

Then, at the bottom of the letter (which if it could have combusted and burnt me to death would have done) was this little paragraph ... see what you think

"However * has found the time to help me fill in the necessary information on the front sheet. Please do look at it and note what is needed for future work. I am not promising to do this in future. It may be that if I get more work from you without a correctly filled in front sheet you will get it back for completion and so miss the marking point. I do hope this will not happen."

Well f**k me! I was livid. Talk about I'm OK You're NOT (OH NO MOST DEFINITELY NOT) OK. Am I over reacting? Or was that anally retentive, jobsworth, big bullying teacher stuff. The assingments had been sent for marking after all, and all that was required was a 10 second ammendment to the short title. I felt and still feel about 4years old, humiliated and shamed. I may as well have wet my pants.

Oh my goodness - what a struggle!

Today was the day I had set aside to write Section B of my psychotherapy dissertation. It is the shortest (and easiest) section - "Your training and personal development."

Easy my arse!

I have wrested with it all day and only just finished. Bloody Hell! What a pain in the neck. So this is how it went:-

Tap away at the key board - 200 words

Fiddle on facebook

50 words

Facebook
Facebook
Make a cuppa
Facebook

20 words

Facebook
Phone a friend
Facebook
Check the blog

70 words

Facebook
Lunch
Cuppa
Facebook

300 words

Facebook

Back to essay - have a read

Facebook
Check phone
Face book
Get berated by daughter for being on Facebook

150 words

Cup of tea
Check phone
Vow not to look at Facebook
Facebook

Bang head on desk

Remaining words written.

I cant tell you how relieved I am that that is over. Oh my goodness! So now I am off for a bath, to shake and gibber and recover from the experience. I have been saving up a Lush bath bomb especially for the occasion.

So think of me in my state of post dissertation bliss - and post facebook binge. I am taking a glass of cider up there and am going to read the crappiest book I can find.

Have a great evening.... and whatever you do - don't even stray onto Facebook, you might never get out alive.