Psyche and Magick

Accountants or Clinicians?

2010-06-29T21:20:00.002+01:00

So here is the thing ... it takes years and years for emotional architecture to develop; our own unique responses to stimuli - indiosyncratic thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Sometimes that architecture needs a repair or even a partial dismantling.

NHS prescription for such delicate and sacred work?? .... 6 sessions of operationalised guided self help. So who do you think came up with that one? - accountants or clinicians? OOOOoooh its a tough one!

Hey ... I'm back

2010-06-25T21:29:00.002+01:00

Its been a while. Not posted anything for ages. Been living it up in London .... and really struggling with assignments and general knackeredness. Feels wierd to be blogging again and may be reinventing myself. Lets see how it goes.

Its going to be a while

2009-08-30T17:36:00.001+01:00

Hi Everyone. I am so damned busy that I am not getting any time to blog seriously. I could put up the odd post but I think its so rude not to then read all your lovely blogs and comment. So maybe I am falling between two stools. Not doing anything because I cant do it properly.

I will be back!

I cant seem to relax

2009-04-14T10:14:00.003+01:00

I have a week off.

Usually I am racing around. Full time job, two post graduate courses to study for, London 2 days a week, social life off the scale, family etc You would have thought that a week off would be a 'good' thing. Yeh, you would have thought!

I am finding it so difficult to relax that I am actually miserable. All I can think of is getting back to work, re engaging with my course, doing all the things that will get our Service IAPT compliant. I am waking up at normal work time with my brain alive with all of this ... part of me is screaming "will you bloody well relax!" Some of my doomsday parent introjects are prophesying worst case scenario with heart attacks and physical collapse but try as I might I don't like standing still.

I feel morose when there is nothing to attend to. I can relax - for short periods of time. I love taking long, luxurious baths - I enjoy good food, wine and meals out. I listen to music, I go out with friends, I dedicate a good chunk of time to my spiritual and meditative pursuits. So I know there is nothing wrong with my ability to relax - what scares me is that I cant seem to relax for any length of time.

Last night I had nothing to do ... there was a bottle of wine, there were plenty of dvd's of my favourite programmes to watch, there was a comfy sofa ... I felt horrified; seriously agitated and not OK - depressed you could say. Life seemed meaningless and bleak, there was no purpose, no point to it all.

I don't like feeling like that and I know I can re frame this successfully and get back to feeling OK. Pleasure and achievement - the two vital components of behaviour, achievement is well sorted. Maybe I am defining relaxation by what other people think it is. Maybe I just need to play hard too!

Any suggestions welcome.

Intimacy and Blog Friends

2009-04-12T18:16:00.003+01:00

Last night I had a wonderful time. It was the joint birthday of Fire Byrd and Trousers. We chose the Saturday which was equidistant between the two of them and celebrated accordingly.

There was no clubbing or raving or anything like that. What there was was companionship, intelligent conversation, good food and intimacy.

Intimacy is the final staging post of communication - the bit we get to after games when we no longer need to manipulate to get strokes. Intimacy is very real and feels wonderful because there is no need to pretend.

All of us, during the evening, commented on how blog friends often turn out to be people we feel most comfortable with. I believe it is because we achieve intimacy relatively quickly. Feelings are shared on the blog, opinions are aired on the blog and as there is no risk to relationship I believe there is a greater degree of honesty on the blog. Therefore intimacy is achieved.

A case in point. I am very close to Mei - again someone I met on the blog and at a blog party. Her openness and her hospitality are extraordinary. I trust her - yet in actual hours spent together I hardly know her. The blog established an intimacy that paved the way for what happened next.

Trousers went north of the Border to meet up with a blog friend he had never met. Fire Byrd travelled to a different continent to meet a blogger she had already established a strong bond with - the fact they had never met mattered not. I know a blogger in Australia that I would not hesitate to go visit.

It is an extraordinary phenomenon. It is blogging that delivers this - uniquely. It's not the domain of Face Book, for example (I would say disappearing half way round the world to meet a Face Book contact would be downright dangerous).

I think those who blog share so much of their inner world that the real person is seen, its hard to disguise malicious intent over the length of time and span of words that blogging requires - maybe I am too trusting but I for one welcome this spirit of sharing and hopefulness.

Long may it continue.

I will be blogging today - honest!

2009-04-11T11:11:00.002+01:00

I have been down the black hole of CBT, full time (pressurised) job and the evil that is Facebook but as its the holidays I will be blogging again. Hopefully today if not then tomorrow. It all depends on fitting in a workout, having a bath and getting myself sorted before a night on the town with Trousers and Fire Byrd.

Will be catching up on all your lovely blogs too.

Shifting Identity and Depression

2009-02-15T17:10:00.006Z

I have felt really low this week. Down right depressed actually. Its an unusual feeling for me as I have had depression whipped for a good 7 years now.

As I felt utterly desolate this week I used my own skills as a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

Depression usually comes about as a result of a significant loss in the previous 2 years or a change of role/identity. Hence depression often sets in after having a baby, or losing a job, after the break down of a relationship or even at those crossroad moments of life where what you thought was true now looks decidedly shaky.

I think that is what is happening to me. I have been on the most incredible journey for the last 10 years, finding out about life, about my place in it, my spiritual beliefs, men, friends - you name it I have sought to turn what I was taught upside down.

My work as a therapist and especially a Transactional Analysis psychotherapist has been vital. TA has been a rock, a beacon - a firmly held belief. I believe in the sacredness of the soul and of humanities ability to grow. I have long held the view that to remove the obstacles to growth is all I have to do for my clients to naturally flourish. Its all rather mystical and beautiful and instinctive - an Art as opposed to a Science.

Boy oh boy oh boy. How things are a changing for the elf queen. I have now embarked on a CBT course, its prestigious and has the respect of the medical profession behind it. CBT is empirically researched therapy, it has statistics, facts and figures behind it. My identity is beginning to change. Its like being assimilated into the collective, resistance really is futile.

I used to see my integrative style as a strength. My new studies now frame it as a weakness - using an 'eclectic mix of methods based on the therapist's intuition' rather than a 'scientifically proven methodology'.

I used to value my 'hunches'as I consider myself highly intuitive, I encouraged this in my clients. Now I am learning that 'mind reading or fortune telling' is a particularly negative form of thinking that can cause real distress and anxiety. In learning to apply behavioural experiments and looking for concrete evidence I have to say, to my horror, I am beginning to agree with them. The evidence bares the theory out.

CBT is a Science not an Art.

I know this is a real challenge for me. My identity is wobbling, change is happening and like all change it will be painful for a while. I have a script pattern which places me between two polar opposites in key areas in my life. I think this pattern crops up over and over because the lesson I have to learn is to decide what I think, what my opinions really are. I was good at the arts and the sciences at school. I remember agonising over whether to take Physics or English Literature, Chemistry or German.

The basis upon which I work is being challenged, scrutinised, dissected. I am being asked to evaluate my belief in certain theories that have been likened to religious enlightenment. To offer structure and problem solving and to focus on the here and now because there is not any evidence (apart from anecdotal) to prove that dwelling on the past works.

I offer two groups where I work, one CBT - focusing on the here and now approach, and TA which is psycho dynamic and more interested in developmental idiosyncrasies. Both work but my goodness the CBTers are getting better quicker!

So here I am again. Its like growing up, suddenly there are rational explanations for the wonder of life and phenomena. Its like the magick could be taken away all over again.

I don't want to lose me.

I don't want to lose all that I knew to be true.

I don't want to see the world in a bleak cause and effect way.

So I am not going to - CBT does use different language but its still talking about the same things. Falling in love is still an incredible experience even if it can be explained as a biochemical process. Creating our own reality still happens even if you want to frame it as altering thinking styles and setting SMART goals.

This time I have to form my own opinions, not just take someone Else's on board and simply learn it. This is about my identity and magick and love. This is about science and credibility and wonder. Its time to be me. Not many therapists have Post Grad diplomas in Transactional Analysis and CBT.

That makes me unique.

My identity will emerge - till then I will rely on faith.

Snowing Again!

2009-02-08T17:05:00.004Z

I must admit I do like the snow. I know it buggers up the roads and stuff but I still feel like an excited kid when I see the snow falling.

It was Imbolc on Monday - midwinter. I see it as a festival of Earth - Earth sleeps but there is life in the belly. New life is about to be born.

The snow is the icing on the cake, and as Imbolc is a festival of the Maiden the whiteness of the snow is very fitting, and very pretty. How girlie am I?

PS: I managed to waste nearly two hours on face book this afternoon. I am not proud of it but needed to confess. Thankfully I feel a bit better about my time as I have managed to blog. I am really trying to post at least once a week.

The Journey

2009-01-31T13:04:00.007Z

I used to tread a very narrow path - after all, "Wide is the gate and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction". My world consisted of my family, my church and my home.

How could such a narrow place ever contain me?

I tried to stay within it beleiving it to be "right" - that reward was to be had in the diminishing of self, the withdrawing from experience and the covering of the veil.

When I look back now, I feel compassion for myself. My poor fragile, poorly self and I do give thanks that I had that experience because now ... now I love every minute of my life. Every busy, frantic, wonderful minute!

People tell me to slow down, to take it easy, to give myself a break. Why? Why ... when there is so much to do, and see and feel!

Spirit knows no frontiers, adventure ventures where it will,
Horizons lead to more horizons, time won't let us stop too still
And life is such a tempting menu, there is so much left to eat,
Borders mustn't cage the spirit, borders only stop our feet.

I had some Shamanic Healing in November. It was an amazing experience and it removed the final block to movement.

The block was a long held family script belief that movement forward will mean death. 70 years ago my great Aunt announced to her family that she was no longer going to attend the Church that she wanted more out of life, she wanted to explore an make her own way in the world. Within a week of her decision she was killed in a road accident - she was 19 years old.

Because of her death my father was born.

I have carried this tragedy and the moral message that was spun through the fibre of the family since birth. It took a long time to find the energy hiding in my body - it was in my right hip (a place where I had experienced pain for many years. Once the healer found it and I requested that it leave - it came from me. I uttered primal, gutteral cries as my body bucked and shuddered. It was like giving birth.

Then it was gone, I glimpsed for a moment my Great Aunt ... smiling and I had a new belief.

To move is to live!

I no longer experience pain in my hip or my heart.

I drink to you, brothers and sisters who take to the road, with
Your dreams and your visions,
Your spirits alive with the flow of your movement,
Seeking and venturesome along with the wistful and blue,
Shaping new lives from the uncharted patterns of life as it happens,
Day by day, day by day,
From the uncharted patters of life as it hapens, finding new ways

Brian Boothby; Trafalgar

Phew - what a relief!

2009-01-10T20:06:00.002Z

Been tidying!

Not just general tidying but finally clearing my study. It was so bad the cat was using it as a litter tray. I am ashamed!

Anyway - 3 hours and 2 Gin and tonics later I can move again. My desk has emerged from the chaos, it does exist it was not just a figment of my imagination.

I feel lighter, clearer - and able to face my day of admin tomorrow.

I started my CBT course in London this week. So far so good - I was the only counsellor the rest were clinical psychologists and one rather eccentric psychiatrist. I think I am going to love it - especially as I come out the other end a fully fledged supervisor as well as a therapist (Wooooooo)

Another BIG benefit is that Mei is going to put me up once a fortnight. Hopefully we will be able to have some girlie time together - and some wine. Cant thank her enough so Mei if your reading this - you are a star!

Right ... now for the ironing. Resembles Ben Nevis - going to take a long time!

Quite a bit of Psyche but not much Magick

2009-01-02T17:48:00.005Z

I was worrying about my blog at at 4am this morning. I do tend to sprinkle in a lot of 'Psyche' in the form of psychotherapy, personal disclosure - some theory woven in to the fabric. But where is the Magick? I know I may be falling woefully short on that one. I have a number of readers who have impressive backgrounds in the Craft and often wonder whether they find my blog a bit of a let down.

I suppose I can only be me - and if that means ranting about my mother rather than discussing the merits of the waxing or waning moon then it will have to be so! I am only human after all - with a bit of valkeryie thrown in.

Moon phases are actually one of my spiritual focuses this year. I have the most beautiful diary - Earth Pathways - produced by the Moonshare Co-operative. The moon phase is on each days entry and its proving invaluable.

I have been happily in tune with the Wheel of the Year for some time now - the solstices and equinoxes plus the 4 Celtic celebrations. It provides a wonderful psycho spiritual structure. The Sun is observed admirably in my yearly routine but what of the moon? The moon, after all, holds special spiritual and symbolic significance for women .. but its not just women - Earth's magnetic field follows lunar cycles, and I believe that it affects men as well(I have a very close friend who can track his 'period' and gives prior warning to those that know him!)

Full moon is notoriously a time of restlessness, instinct and wild urges - think the symbology of the were wolf: the wild spirit of man released by the power of the moon. Moon dark is a time of contemplation and withdrawing, a time when we should curl up and cherish ourselves. I am a great believer in rhythm - I think it is the key to physical and mental health.

During this time of the waxing moon why not allow your New Year resolutions to gradually increase in power, bit by bit becoming more solid rather than an all or nothing approach - by full moon on the 11th they will be in full flow. Its what I am doing and I already feel more in control, a far less precarious position to be in than a 'one slip will ruin it all' mind set.

Moon blessings to you all!

Well it was not so bad ... but wont be doing it again!

2008-12-27T16:26:00.003Z

The anticipated blow up never happened. It nearly did, surprisingly on Xmas eve when my harridan mother commiserated with Mr Vix for having such a wayward wife - the waywardness was accepting a place on a course in London in the new year ... What?!!?

In fact she has no idea of the true Vixenlike behaviour that I get up to! Such a respectable exterior and such fabulous, finger-licking fun in reality.

I felt drained and worn out when they finally all left. Its horrid going back to an adapted place in order to keep the peace.

In fact I felt so drained I vowed to do something totally different the following day.

Wait for it ... I went to the Boxing day sales.

I have roundly rubbished the sales for many a year, scorning the consumerism, sneering at the commercialisation however I was so desperate to do something non traditional (for me) that I raced in there. It was great! No crowds - some wonderful bargains and a brand new start for my 'new me'wardrobe.

I have the book - Look ten years younger - Nicky Hamilton-Jones. Its a must! I have been told off on every page for letting myself go, being slovenly and bemoaning not being the true sparkly me while working my way through 3 bags of chips!

Enough of the excuses!

This year I get slim, I revamp my image and I stop clinging on to a view I had of myself 25 years ago.

I started today with THE WARDROBE CULL!!!

It was scary - very scary but I did it. Two bin liners full of hardly worn clothes are off to the charity shop. I now know what I have, I am realistic and inspired to show off my curves. Best way of doing that is to lose the stodge around my waist and hips. Plus, its important to look fabulous now and not feel guilty every time I open my cupboards and see a size 12 from yesteryear.

A year ago my focus was on friends and social life. Last year it was career. This year its my body! I achieved the other two and as I don't do failure anymore I am looking forward succeeding with this one.

Its something I just have to do!

Christmas needs to be a Script free zone!

2008-12-24T15:28:00.005Z

I realised as I went about my chores yesterday that Christmas was turning into the same old depressing ritual.

I love my life - its full of love, friends, excitement and achievement - but yesterday was crap and getting crapper.

There was I ironing for England with the dusting, cleaning and various housework tasks to do. Not at all Christmasy. I was feeling like a regular Bob Cratchett. How come its so horrid every year? How come I cant seem to capture the magic? Reading Boo's Blog helped in the realisation that I was doing something that really was not me.

As I lay in bed last night it occured to me. I am suprised the intensity of the illumination did not light up the entire street - rather like Rudolph.

I am doing my Mom and Dad's script.

For as long as I can remember they clean the house from top to bottom ready for Christmas. I am simply following an introjected "how to" from my crusty old parents who would not be allowed to have a good time if it fell in their laps and wriggled about a bit.

So I decided. No more fag butt tidy up script for me! No more chores! Embrace the dust, celebrate the beauty of the clutter and admire the natural mandala of the bits on the carpet. Sod them. I am having a holiday!

Suprise! Suprise! I am like a tinsel covered Christmas fairy today. Its been great. I have pampered myself all day - bath, face pack, painted nails - relaxed! Cant wait to pack the sacks tonight - going to watch old Patrick Stewart strutting his stuff as Scrooge over a plate of fish and chips (no cooking either)and I am about to crack open a 4 pack of snowballs!

Christmas is officially a Script Free zone!

Newbie

2008-12-23T16:03:00.002Z

Go check out this blog - its ace! ... and boo is gorgeous.

Rediscovering the Inner Boo

"Christmas is no time for innovation"

2008-12-23T10:56:00.004Z

Winter Solstice had now past and the Wheel has turned. For me the new year has already begun which means the damp squib of 31st of December does not have any significance.

I do my best to break up from work on the Solstice which means the New Year gets off to a cracking start with the traditional Christmas week and a nice fortnight before back to work.

One blot on the landscape for me this year.

I RECKLESSLY invited my family to share in the festive turkey feast on the 25th.

This means I will have to contend with my cross dressing Dad - still firmly in the closet because of my christian fundamentalist mother and my christian fundamentalist mother. My father looks to me to give him permissions to be himself, my mother seeks to reassure herself that I am not dabbling in any dark arts. Mr Vix has not forgiven my mother for her appalling behaviour towards me in my youth and goes round on the edge of an outburst of rage. This increases exponentially to the amount of alcohol consumed.

As you can already see - its potentially volatile.

Dad tends to snivel all the way through the day, mourning his lack of self expression while mother tends to become more and more dogmatic in her views as the day goes on. Tut, tut, tutting her way through the day. Everything is 'worldly' and debauched. All musicians/actors/creative types are on drugs. Psychotherapy and all my personal interests are evil. My friends are sinners. My children are given too much freedom ...blah blah blah.

Mr Vix gets steadily more outragious to shake my mother from her pious perch.

As if that is not bad enough - I have also gone for maximum masochism - also on the guest list are:-

Brother in Law (never speaks),
Sister (heading the same way as my mother),
Nephew (heading the same way as my father),
Niece - eats for England, resembles a plague of locusts and has a penchant for going through my cupboards - if she discovers all my pagan paraphernalia and decides to out me then you can imagine the volcanic eruption that will take place.

Why did I do it? Why oh why?

Next year - Barbados!

Party Time!

2008-12-05T17:55:00.000Z

I am just about to get ready for the first party of the festive season. Wooo hooo!

I have a luscious long dress which is strapless - risky business with my boobs.

However I popped into my local specialist bra shop - not that local actually but the only place that seems to stock bras that fit me. (small back/big cup size).

It was a breeze. I was anticipating hours of torrid trying on, having to stare at my battered abdomen in horribly unflattering mirrors and generally regretting buying a strapless dress (you fool woman!)

But I went in - the lovely assistant had only one - I tried it on - it was fab - I paid and left.

I shall put a pic or two up on my blog (and facebook page) to show you my purchase (dress NOT bra) and will be dancing into the wee small hours.

Have fun!

Fancy expanding your mind?

2008-11-25T21:12:00.001Z

I have been listening to Seth. Its fascinating stuff I can tell you! The kind of experience that puts your brain in a sack and gives it a damn good shake up.

I like it. In fact I more than like it - I am thinking of getting a couple of flags and bunting and pinning my colours to the mast.

Seth is a 'channelled' voice - a thought form from a parallel dimension. He speaks about the nature of all things, time, space, religion, creating reality based on beliefs... or he may be the subconscious brilliance of a 1960's poet.

I am inclined to plump for the former although many will hold with the latter.

So what does he say?

Religion is myth - a set of stories and metaphors to teach universal lessons. Yep - I will go with that one. Inner journeying is the only way to attain wisdom rather than have it dictated from a pulpit - again, sign me up for that point of view. We each create our own reality based on our belief system, thought equals matter, astral projection/dreams/intuition/creativity is journeying along our own probable identity streams etc etc

Plus all matter is seen as having a consciousness - a spirit, an intent,all part of a living breathing 'all that is'. Ahh yes - The Goddess alive and well and manifested in this physical corner of the multidimensional universe.

Like I say - brain, sack, shake, shake.

Good stuff.

Its official!

2008-10-31T18:38:00.000Z

Happy Samhain - tis the start of the new year tomorrow - the Celtic new year that is.

I was initiated into the Craft proper last night. It was amazing - a truly joyful, spiritual experience.

I have a new name and feel very fresh and young.

I also got told I have a silver aura with sparkly bits which means I am a clairvoyant. (Second time I have been told that so evidence is building) I was up for hearing anything along those lines last night. I also got told that I live in my head a lot of the time and I am a Creator of parallel worlds.

Ah .... good witchy stuff indeed.

I am just off to soak in a bath full of magical bubbles, drink a bottle of cider and relax into my new status.

Blessings of light and darkness to you all. For there is not one without the other.

Much love my precious blog chums.

Trampishness

2008-10-28T22:48:00.000Z

I cant be arsed to get up in the morning and go running. I cant really be arsed to take my make up off - so I may go to bed and let it come off naturally on the pillow.

Arent I a scurfy madam?

A Powerful Week

2008-10-26T20:50:00.000Z

Before I even turned over the energy card I had picked for the week I knew it was Power. I really like choosing that one. I have been feeling powerful of late.

This week I have my initiation. It will be done on Thursday - we are drafting in a High Priest to perform the ceremony. My bestest witchy friend is initiating too as part of her growth and development.

I have chosen my Goddess - Freyja - a Norse Goddess to reflect my Scandinavian heritage. I often meet her on my inner journeying. She is my higher self.

I am looking forward to the whole thing. Power is part of the picture! Initiation is empowering, especially being a woman - in wicca the female is first amongst equals.

I have my black cord, I believe there is some tying and blindfolding involved.

I will then take on the attributes of the Goddess chosen; the archetype develops in the subconscious.

You will have to tell me if you see a difference.

Samhain blessings to you all.

One last thing to do ...

2008-10-23T21:58:00.000+01:00

Over recent years I have been ironing out the creases in my life. Sorting out all the things that were unresolved. Getting to a place where I am truly happy and feeling pretty ecstatic all the time. Believe me - I am there, and its fantastic!

Just one enigma remains - one little mystery that I seem quite unable to deal with. My weight. Getting to a reasonable, healthy, OK weight has eluded me. Sure I have done Weight Watchers and Slimming World - duly lost all I should but then back it goes. I have got Paul McKennas system - eminently sensible until you consider that eating when hungry might actually mean tucking into a prawn salad in the middle of a patients emotional disclosure. Can you imagine it ... "Would you mind holding on to that sadness, I will be with you in a minute right after my meal" ... mmm just a tad impractical.

I have been told, and I think he is right, that I am manifesting a struggle with weight. Because I believe I cannot do it then I am creating a reality that means I cant. I know that I have to get my mind sorted out on this one ... but how?

I have visualised, affirmed, pledged, confronted, encouraged contamination free autonomy but to no avail.

No good affirming my sexy slimness while scarfing down a bag of chips and cider (groan)!

Planning is the key - motivating myself to get off the sofa and prepare tomorrows salad. I am an expert on food science, nothing is confusing me as far as knowledge is concerned.

I am about to face another festive season - I would rather be able to get into my size 14 spangly mini skirt than look like the proverbial xmas pudding!

All diets start on a Monday so I will heave myself back onto the wagon next week - having self administered all the intensive psychotherapuetic techniques that I can dredge up over the weekend.

Wish me luck!

PS I am only 11 stone 13 - and 5 foot 7 - its not vast but its more of a (butter) mountain than a molehill.

New Goddess - subject close to my heart

2008-10-15T19:59:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie as I have just got it - poured a glass of wine and have my tea warming in the oven. Tepid food is always rather grizzly.

Full moon and Mei has reminded me to update you on my new goddess. Eurynome - goddess of ecstasy.

I have felt under a lot of pressure lately but its not going to stop me experiencing ecstasy. Pleasure is something I firmly believe in and it keeps me sane. It keeps anyone sane. Mental health is easy once you have cleared out the crap ... just do enough things that give you a sense of achievement, mastery and pleasure. A sense of self - sensual experience, ecstasy. I always attend to that aspect with all my clients.

I am a hedonistic pleasure junkie because its GOOD for me, for everyone. Who said life had to be tough! Life should be a pleasure not a chore. If you examine indigenous cultures they work for about three days a week - the rest of the time is spent socialising, engaged in spiritual practice or having fun.

Sounds like a recipe for good mental health! So get with the pleasure. Do something you enjoy - something that really hits that pleasure zone. Come join in the ecstasy!

Instant gratification v creative exploration

2008-10-14T21:50:00.000+01:00

Every so often I get a fixation with facebook. I am just coming out of the latest one. I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Facebook is quick and transient - good fun but I am aware I get unsettled by it. Measuring worth by how many friends are in my stash.

The blog is far more cerebral. I do prefer it. It the difference between an intimate conversation and talking about the weather.

One thing I want to do before I die

2008-10-02T21:39:00.000+01:00

OK, so here it is.

I want to be in some front room somewhere or indeed a bedroom. A group of people that are into expanding consciousness in some way. People I like, that have that group thing going on.

I want to be in the dark with candles, in the wee small hours listening to Tubular Bells on some kick ass stereo, smoking a joint. I have never smoked a joint but its something my poor beleaguered teenager wants to do.

I have never sat in the dark in the wee small hours with a group of interesting folk either but somehow that bit does not need explaining.

I want to let the music flow through my veins and allow the illicit substance to enhance that experience. I want to laugh and talk and fall asleep where I am lying.

Then I want to get up in the morning and giggle over a bowl of cornflakes.

Its all very innocent ... ish. But its my dream.

Talk about change ...

2008-09-27T18:31:00.000+01:00

I dropped my son off at university today. He has gone to Aston - almost a stones throw away from the place I was born. Ironic or what. This was always going to be a tough day for me. Saying goodbye to my son was always going to be emotional - however I have always done my very best to encourage him to get out there and experience things. Today I was only reaping a harvest that I had deliberately sown. Didn't stop me crying though.

As I stood in the Autumn sunshine looking out over the high rise buildings of Birmingham my heart almost broke with the grief of all that I did not do all those years ago. I never had the university experience. I was so hamstrung by fear - fear of the World, fear that I may be corrupted by the World, fear of growing up ... fear of everything. I had it burned into my brain by my useless, puritanical religiously fanatical parents - their value system, their warped view of life, their stupid insular, dogmatic prison. I am aware that anger is part of grief and right now I am feeling angry.

I could tear their fecking heads off I am so angry.

I can never have what I lost at that time in my life. I have tried to get it ... boy have a tried to claw it back. I have achieved now. Yes, I do feel proud of what I have done but at this precise moment in time I can not let go of the rage I feel for their inadequate performance.

I am in a cold rage place. Very cold, very vengeful. I am accepting it, accounting for it - not projecting it away from me or denying it.

I am off to Oxford again tomorrow. More pale shadows of what I was cheated out of.

You can call me bitter - but right now that what I need to feel. Thats what is real to me as I contemplate how I stopped the rot for my children and had to climb out of the pit that had been prepared for me.

My son can make his own mind up about things. He has been prepared to embrace life.

I love him with my all.

Full moon - new guides.

2008-09-15T21:10:00.000+01:00

Well...new guides being symbolic representations of the part of the psyche that are relevant to this particular stage of my journey.

Oh shut up Vixen!

Every new moon I light candles, perform a small ritual and pick my guides for the month. As there are no such things as coincidences (in my universe) then I really do pay attention to the symbols that I pick. If we are all plugged into a matrix of energy and thought is the means by which we affect our reality then the reflection in the cards can be very helpful.

This moon is a biggie for me. I have my interview for THE job on Wednesday, my son goes off to university and I have second installment of CBT training in Oxford. Plus lots of other events. So the guides for this month are particularly important.

My Goddess was Lady of Beasts - Relationship

I desire union
in ways comfortable and appropriate
I open to the dance with another
knowing that it will take me
to all the places I fear
some of the places I love
many of the places that need healing.
I listen with the ears of my heart
and communicate from a place of self-knowing
I consciously give myself away
and know how to take myself back
I see myself reflected
so perfectly in the other
that I begin my most important journey
to seek out and claim
more of who I am
Goddess Oracle Amy Sophia Marashinsky

My animal guide is CAT - guardianship, detachment and sensuality.

Cat unites the spirit world with highly developed sensuality. Thats me all over! I do not believe that spirituality has to be divorced from sensuality and the pleasures of the body. In fact the most incredible spiritual experiences can be based and expressed through sensuality. This is true in my life.

My plant guide is YARROW - fidelity, masculinity and virility

Yarrow is sacred to the Horned one - the epitome of masculine strenth. Strongly sexual. It also points to a powerful, virile figure that may become more important to me ... eeeh I am in for a good month!

As I am going for my interview I need to draw together the lessons of the random. Lady of the Beasts shows me I must focus on the relationships I have already built, my team at work love me - we work well. Cat teaches me that my physical presence is as important as any theory and Yarrow invites me to take what is mine. Be The Lord - the masculine force. Do not be afraid to show my potency.

So there you are. I have had fun - hope my sharing will have piqued your interest a little.

Full moon is a magical time. Enjoy!

Pub or Church?

2008-09-12T15:50:00.000+01:00

What would you do if you had 15 minutes to live?

I have just this minute meandered into my living room to find my son watching The Simpsons movie. I am fond of the Simpsons and managed to catch a 2 minute clip which was rather profound.

As the 'Dome'(if you are not familiar with the film I apologise)descends upon Springfield the congregation of the church rush out onto the street, at the same as the patrons of Mo's bar. Then they swap. Church goers stampeding into the bar to sample some of what they have been missing, and the drinkers rushing into the church to make peace with their maker.

We always want what we haven't had.

I was bought up in a a STRICT (did I emphasise that enough) Christian household where worldly pleasures were frowned on and Shloer was dished up with Sunday lunch in most 'Delph' households. No wine, oh no no no. I now have a hunger for all that is forbidden eg socialising with 'the world', having sex outside of marriage, paganism, studying psychological matters (work of the devil) and general 'wild, free child' experiences.

The reverse is true - the few adult converts that I have known have usually had many years of riotous living in true prodigal son style (drink, drugs, prostitutes etc) and seek to find peace within a religious community, away from the sins of the streets (so to speak).

Perhaps that is just how it is. I know I had to do my unfinished business to find happiness. Unfinished business being the opposite of my originally enforced value system. The shadow has to be experienced and embraced (and bloody well enjoyed)to find contentment.

So what about the last 15 minutes?

What would you do? Pub or Church?

I think I would opt for either deep trance (if I was alone) or complete union with a partner (if I wasn't).

Either way I would want to feel at peace, at one, merged with the universe. No anxiety. No regret. Just there in the moment.

Back from Oxford

2008-09-10T21:37:00.000+01:00

I went to Oxford on a CBT course. It was good. I have been roundly rubbishing CBT for a while (basically because I am scared the government in its infinite wisdom will banish all other forms of therapy) and now I am going to stop rubbishing it. Its good stuff. All the other skills I have learnt are fabulous and I wouldn't swap them but CBT is really logical and scientific, and has the added bonus of not analysing the reasons behind offering to make a cup of tea (for example!)

I am a bit of a science chick (Star Trek's Mr Spock being my earliest role model) and so it fits with me. Cut the waffling, cut the endless navel gazing - lets look at how we all maintain our problems by our own thinking/behaviour. Shit happens but its how WE perpetuate that shit that matters. It is immensely liberating because it enables the individual to take full responsibility for their own lives. Yes there are flaws, its not the whole answer but it does not deserve the bashing it has had recently. My own modality does address here and now problems but the sheer force of the here and now focus in CBT is impressive.

I certainly applied the theory immediately.

I have been terrified of getting lost for a long time. Its a realy problem and I feel terribly anxious when I venture into a new area. My two day course enabled me to identify where that came from - getting lost on the way to school in a new village when I was 8. Being late for afternoon registration and bursting into tears when the teacher shouted at me.

However knowing that does not really help. Its the maintenance cycle that is the problem.

What I do now.

What I do now is constantly check my route, make sure I have someone with me to direct me. Panic if there is the slightest hiccup and make dangerous driving decisions in an attempt to get out of the situation. Hence I re enforce my belief that I always get lost and I am hopeless

.... so instead of lurking in Starbucks until 7pm to drive home (to avoid the traffic)and phone home to be guided through the M40/M42 bit, I just got in my car and headed for home at 5pm. Rush hour in Oxford. Guess what? I got home safely and I did it in under 2 hours. I did not get lost once and I am now full of confidence. I have tested out my outdated beliefs and found them to be wanting. Time to overwrite the files.

Lots more I could say but I am sitting in a soggy bath robe and could really do with going to bed.

Hugs xxx

Village Show

2008-08-31T18:29:00.000+01:00

The one thing that is guaranteed to turn a perfectly sunny, clear day into a torrential downpour is a village show!

Our village show was today - this morning I could see all the preparation going on. The stalls being set up, the tents looking splendid in the late summer sun, fairground rides all shiny and enticing. As the start time of 12 noon approached so did the grey clouds, and on the dot the drizzle began to come down in honour of the occasion.

What a shame! Even though the event was a short walk down the road I opted for a Sunday afternoon kip - thanks to the rain. I am ashamed to admit it but I just couldn't be arsed to get all kitted out for wet activity.

What ever happened to Summer?

Is it the time of year?

2008-08-30T15:16:00.000+01:00

I feel really down. I usually like to be as upbeat as I can on the blog but I feel really low. It may be the time of year - we are coming up to the Autumn Equinox, a witchy festival as well as an astronomical fact. It is a time of balance, a time of winding down for the darker days and the colder weather. Although I love the Autumn and no one is a big a fan of Winter/ snow/ listening to rain lashing on my window than me - but right now the thought of it SUCKS!

I have a hog roast to attend tonight and in spite of all the weather forecasts promising a bit of warmth and sunshine it is predictably windy and chilly. Again ... it SUCKS! I really don't fancy teetering around on a pair of heels, trying not to sink in to the turf, grasping a glass of chilled (and most probably cheap) wine while I try in vain to find anything that is not pork to eat. Bit hard at a hog roast.

My daughter is also due home at any minute and I am dreading it. She has been away for a week at her boyfriends house. This is a first REAL boyfriend. She has had a string of mild flings of the schoolgirl variety but this young man is 17 and planning to do marine engineering. She has spent her first week with him at his house (chaperoned of course) by the seaside and I am anticipating tears, and moping and general teenage angst. Groan! That is definately going to SUCK!

I am sure I will cheer up after my bath and maybe the cheap wine will help. I always get melancholy at this time of year so its a bit of a ritual really.

I shall sign off and have that bath. Good to be blogging again. Take care.

Little Parcel of Loveliness

2008-08-30T11:49:00.000+01:00

Here I am a little more refreshed! I have got something to blog about today. As my long term readers may know, I am a BIG fan of Lush. Lush products are totally heavenly. They are mostly natural (just the odd synthetic ingredient) they are ethically sourced and all the packaging is recycled. Lush also do not use Palm Oil in their products. The demand for Palm Oil is decimating the forests of Indonesia, and leading to whole scale destruction of natural habitats ... and for what? So we in the west can wash our hair/face/body with the latest detergent ridden products! To my knowledge Lush are the only cosmetic company who do not use this in their products. This is why I do not mind paying a little extra for the luxury. I would rather pay £10 for a pot of low environmental impact moisturiser with recyclable packaging (bog standard no frills) than pay less for high impact popular cheapy or more for the indulgent, extravagant and essentially unnecessary expensive products.... OK enough of the rant.

Yesterday I ordered some bath treats, conditioner, moisturiser and soap. I ordered online at www.lush.co.uk and this morning when I woke up there it was on my doorstep. How good is that? I was thrilled. First time I have not trekked into town for my Lush fest - it will be online for me now! The bath ballistics, and bubble bars and other scrummy bits were packed in a recyled carboard box filled with popcorn - a totally biodegradable filler.

I am now looking forward to a soak later on - a clean body and a clear conscience. So readers, I would urge you to check Lush out and bring a little environmentally friendly luxury into your life.

OK - now for the form filling. Had to share that first before I can concentrate on 'patient pathways'. Hugs xxx

Blank - zilch - no ideas!

2008-08-29T21:06:00.000+01:00

I have come to write this post and I don't know what to say. That's bad! I have been feeling really good and flying along at my usual fast pace - come to blog and zip. So I will leave it at that and do some surfing. Hope to be far more inspiring tomorrow.

Quick check in

2008-08-25T18:43:00.000+01:00

Wanted to spend some time today updating my Blog and writing my thoughts on 'being seen' on the blog too ... as usual I ended up doing my admin, but you were all in my heart. I figured that a small post is better than no post at all.

So here it is.

A very small post.

I have spent most of the day puffing and panting (plus ranting) at all the things I have to do. I will not be able to believe it when I no longer have to prove myself to all and sundry.

Its going to be another year though as I wont hit my dissertation deadline (too much sloppiness in the early stages and a general blase/rebellious attitude). However I have some treats planned for when I do. World of War Craft gets loaded on my computer the minute I finish the poxy thing. I know its the territory of geekdom but I AM a geek, I like Star Trek and Star Gate - what more proof do you need. At Easter when all my exam tapes, transcripts and psychiatric placement are done then I start the prestigious OBOD Druid course. Oooooh cant wait! Its a big incentive.

Right that's enough ... I am off for a curry and a skin full of alcohol. Sod tomorrow!

Hugs xxx

Bank Holiday Weeked

2008-08-24T20:08:00.000+01:00

I have been away - well you all know that now, but just before I went I had the best time at Fire Byrd's party. Met one new blogger and was struck by how much I like the blog people that I have come across.

There is this perception that bloggers are strange social outcasts, holed up in their one bedroom flats - the living space strewn with decaying pizzas but its not the case.

I had another great night with Fire Byrd, Lady in Red and the inimitable Trousers plus a new addition - Mae (Road to Nirvana). All are delightful, intelligent human beings with a definite twinkle in their eye! Wonderful - roll on the next party, may even throw one myself.

So whats new?

Not much to report really. I was up for a week in Slaley Hall (very posh hotel in Northumberland). I did precisely nothing all week except read, fiddle about in the spa and had the occasional walk. Oh yes ... and I ate, but only within the confines of my healthy eating plan. I am feeling very very pleased with myself. I actually lost 2 pounds. Woooooooo Hooooooo! and I am absolutely committed to loosing the rest of the stone so I can indulge in some skyclad fun hehehe. Its my big incentive. Got to look good naked.

And moving swiftly on ....

So here I am, well rested and satisfied. The crazy stuff starts again in a days time but I am really going to try to keep up with my blog.

I really do enjoy my blog relationships. They are very real and worth falling asleep over my keyboard for.

Love you all xxx

PS: The Goddess of Beauty is my totem for the month - even more reason to keep on with those salads and vegie meals.

Oh dear - I have been rubbish

2008-08-16T21:08:00.000+01:00

Hello, hello fellow bloggers. I have been so so naff lately. So sorry.

I am at a blog party at the moment - and I don't deserve to be (hang your head in shame Vixen) I have not blogged for 4 weeks (Lady in Red tells me so, so it must be true).

I have been so busy. Really, honest ... I have been.

I do love my blog - and need to attend to it. Lovingly cherish it, stroke it till it purrs with satisfaction but instead I have neglected it shamefully.

Well I am here now - Trousers is on his third bottle of wine, Road to Nirvana is so lovely, Lady is telling me to make a new blog ... I like mine although a fresh start does appeal.

Fire Bird is being the most wonderful hostess as usual. I do have to drive at midnight and have just had my final glass of champers. In order to be good .. am I ever good ... I mean really, in my heart?

So there you are. I have so much to say and will share more with you. May have an identity change. See how the mood takes me.

Love you all.

Pussy cat, pussy cat

2008-07-07T21:50:00.000+01:00

Where have you been?

I am off to London to GRADUATE!!!! Woo hoo!!!!

Its been a long time coming. 20 years to be precise but tomorrow I get to wear the Cap and Gown. I will be posting pics on my Blog and Facebook. I am so so so excited.

I will be catching the train early tomorrow - have an afternoon in the big city, a meal with my fellow graduees in evening and then all the pomp and ceremony the following day. All that hard work - all the essay hell! I am going to enjoy the fruits of my labours.

Then there is just the MSc final lap - piece of cake :o)

Few odds and sods

2008-07-06T10:43:00.000+01:00

Thank you thank you thank you all you lovely people who commented on my blog - I know I have not got round to replying to your comments or reading your blogs - I am in a 'blog flap' as I know I have been neglecting you and my precious blog which I love ever so much.

However - here is the plan today

1. Apply for my own job
2. Complete my application for another MSc - I am pretty sure I wont have to go through with it as there are other more suitable courses but it has to be done for 1.(see above).
3. Apply to become a member of the BABCP - necessary for 1. but nowhere near as onerous as applying to the BACP.
4. Bless the new trees planted in my garden.
5. Blog.

I have a Barb-b-Que to attend later on - a couple of friends who magnetically attract wet weather. Look up - see!

Just before I get down to it I have one question for you to ponder. Gay men - do they fly under the radar? I really love gay men (well the ones that I know) and allow them in ever so close. Much closer than your average straight man. I am going to be initiated in October and the High Priest performing the ritual is a gay man. This has led to much muttering amongst certain (bitter) circles about gay men gaining access to the inner sanctum of women. Discuss.

Catch you later!

Thomas Dolby - I am an 80's chick after all

2008-06-26T22:07:00.000+01:00

Now I have an hours drive to work I am playing all of my Cd's in order. I am finding it such a good experience. I play one from the beginning of the alphabet then one from the end (anal I know - blush!) then one of Bobo's Cd's that he so lovingly burns for me from time to time.

At the moment its Evanescence and Tangerine Dream with an Ambient Trance vol II. However .... it WAS Thomas Dolby. I was a little reluctant at first but then ... oh my goodness. I was transfixed. I was back to sixth form - Sarah Ferguson hair ribbons, ra ra skirts and new romantics. Bliss! The point at which I was too frightened to be fully me ... but now ... revisiting from a place of power - orgasmic! - nostalgia ... oh yes!

Thomas was the epitome of it all. Europa and the Pirate Twins, One of our Submarines and the evocative Airwaves which had it had had a love song lyric would have been one of the all time greats. I wouldn't change it though .... augmented fifths a plenty to the literary backdrop of pylons and urban isolation. Pass me my curling tongs and off the shoulder number. Wonderful stuff!

I was a science chick - biology, chemistry AND physics A grade at O level, AND at A level. Oh Thomas ... who extolled the virtues of the brainy girl. My hero!

Vive la 80's and amen to teenage angst and passion!

Summer Solstice

2008-06-21T15:59:00.000+01:00

I watched the sun rise today. It was wonderful. As I look out at the drizzle and the lack of light now, it is hard to believe that the dawn was clear, bright and dry.

I got up at 4am - made a cup of tea and read a little then ventured outside at about 4.30 and stayed outside until the sun rose above the horizon. The Sun - element of Fire - the powerhouse of life itself. Its energy photons are what sustain us all. The plants convert it into a usable form and then the energy travels up the food chain. Upon death the plants fertilise the next generation through returning the energy to the soil - and over vast ages that energy gets stored in fossil fuels - the blood and bones of the planet. How reckless of man to chop down the very means by which we live and to burn up, plunder and squander the vast store houses of energy that have been laid down for millions of years.

Reckless indeed.

As I sat and watched the roseate glow on the horizon,the light growing ever stronger, I observed a plane fly across the sky. How ironic - man and his greed, his need for more than is needed to live, love and be happy. There was the epitome of wastefulness; burning fuel and belching out fumes just at the moment the source of life was rising on the longest day in our Northern hemisphere - smiling down on our beautiful, fragile planet.

The birdsong was joyful and plaintive - do you know that rooks caw three times in a row. I didn't until I sat and observed. My cats were thrilled to have me outside so early - they frolicked on the grass and sensed the excitement and the reverence.

The sun rose. I delivered my salutation and was humbled by my smallness. I asked for a Blessing and offered my energy in return. I vowed to preserve as much energy as I could. Stop boiling kettles for cups of tea that then don't get made, turn off the lights when not needed, recycle and buy recycled goods, share lifts. Small offerings made in gratitude.

Solstice Blessings!

Bring on the Fire

2008-06-20T09:47:00.000+01:00

Only one client today. I turned down two others - it was entirely for self protection. I have to contain the paperwork monster and its becoming clear that a day a week is minimum requirement to keep from being dragged off by said monster and kept in a dungeon.

I had a client phone up last night - she wanted at least half an hour free therapy on the phone. I had had a drink so I was not able to oblige. I had a client get rather irritated when I refused to do an hour and a half session at 6pm tonight. (making my finishing time 7.30) - even though I explained that I really do not have the energy or resources to work that late on a Friday (I am fried). I also had a client leave a number of messages wanting to turn up at lunch time today to be squeezed in. Again I said no - I had plans to catch up. I do find it hard to say no but am learning that no one is going to say no for me (or rescue me from my own helpfulness) so I have to do it for myself.

I am also attempting to make my experience a little more of a soul satisfying experience. I get rather depressed in clinical reality and have to have something a little spiritual to be able to breathe and feel ok. So just before I tackle the pile I am popping out to get a 'Fire' candle to burn in my study. It is the Solstice tomorrow and for me this marks the end of the realm of Air - logic, thought and academic endeavour and into the new era of Fire - passion, inspiration, action and productivity. So I am going to get a bright red candle and light it, and invite its dancing flame to inspire me to greater productivity and inspirational achievement.

Catch you later!

So missed this

2008-06-15T21:35:00.000+01:00

Hello, hello, hello. So missed blogging. I really have. So good to be doing it again. I love being creative and have to say that Tony inspired me today - he has started following me on Twitter. Now there is another little something that I have been neglecting - so thanks Graffiti, your little smidgen of attention has worked wonders :o)

Things are OK for me at the moment but I have been neglecting my friends. I have been so caught up in all the hoops I have to pass through to be recognised as a competent human being that I have lost touch with everyone.

So my apologies you wonderful people. I really value being part of networks. I so love everyones'individuality, the special things ... the nuances of character.

In fact I may indulge in a little Boboesque stroke fest of all of you on my blog roll - because you are all ace! I am feeling all loved up and happy.

I am going to a festival too ... first time so its just a Saturday day pass but its a step forward. Life is soooo good! I feel like I am finally where I should have been, the road less travelled worked out Ok in the end.

Love you all!

My Admin week is over - woo hoo!

2008-06-01T16:05:00.000+01:00

Its done - its all sorted!

That means its not really done but its all arranged into pretty paper folders with 'to do' lists relevant to each folder inserted in the front cover.

Phew! What a relief.

I have managed to do a lot too - got lots of niggly jobs done - I know where I am and its a satisfying feeling.

I am also aware of what a tedious madam I have become on this blog. Must reconnect to a bit of proper Queeny - start debating some spiritual issues etc

However my Faerie guide this new moon was quite clear - GET THE BLOODY JOBS DONE THEN PLAY!

That's not really my Script pattern - I like having fun first then paying a heavy price - but I have buckled down (winged, moaned and bewailed my fate) and have done it. I feel all fresh and sparkly! Will be even more sparkly soon as I have a Lush glittery bath ballistic to use - it promises to contain a silver butterfly inside its fizzing glory.

I shall let you know!

I am taking my African Shaman into the bath with me - not literally of course (damn it) but in literary form. Malidoma Patrice Some - check out his writing, it is exquisite; really moving stuff about the clash of culture. Its sounds heavy but somehow its not - the human spirit soars from its pages and his reverence for the earth, its spirit and manhood is breathtaking.

Manhood is currently a big topic for me - so many lost young men come to me seeking help (psychologically) and there is work to be done in empowering men again, empowering them to be true men with strength, sensitivity and spiritual wisdom.

I shall debate it more - at least that last little paragraph was a tad more interesting than my organisational exploits.

Take care y'all! xxx

Such a mix

2008-05-30T21:51:00.000+01:00

I have 5 minutes before QI so I will be quick. My week of admin is grinding to a halt - it has been an at the coal face sort of a week - the sort of a week I run a mile from. All practicality and jobs that HAVE to be done. I like to inhabit a twilight world of vaguely clever fantasy ordinarily but this week the bills, the course requirements, the job criteria and hell! the parking fines all intervened and squatted in a bit ugly pile on my version of reality.

Just looking down my list of things still to do,

Update my logs
CRB check (buggered up the first attempt)
Write Section C - too much admin cluttered my ability to create
Prepare for my group Tuesday
Join BACP - still too daunting, the 70 page long form is hiding under the bed waiting to terrorise me in the long, dark night.
Send off deposit for a wonderful family constellations course.
Pay speeding fine
Blog (well there is one success)
Renew my Pagan Federation membership
Research the Goddess Conference, local music festival and highly dodgy couples workshop
Work out whether to go to Peru next year on a walking challenge.

Still lots to do - and I have left stuff out. At least I know what it is - knowledge is the first part of the sorting process.

Hope to blog tomorrow - in the meantime Steven Fry beckons!

Skint with a week off

2008-05-27T11:59:00.000+01:00

Hello all!

Once again I apologise for being sloppy with my blogging. I went away to Glastonbury for the weekend and took leave of my senses in the wierdy shops ... I spent a lot. The Buddhists would have me down for a lot of self grasping behaviour, the wiccans would celebrate the abundance. I am just going to have to stay in for 3 weeks with no trips out, treats or meals with friends in order to make up for my excessive spending spree.

Still, I got some great stuff - lots of books, incense, witchy things and a particularly phallic fire candle in readiness for Solstice in June. Job done!

I am having a week off to catch up on all my admin and paperwork and to write Section C of my dissertation. Unfortunately admin and paperwork is necessary to secure my new job whereas the dissertation can afford to drift by a couple of months. There are a lot of 'chicken and egg' decisions to make at the moment. What comes first? What needs to be done to facilitate the rest - kind of stuff. I am doing my best to stay cheerful but nothing puts me in a foul mood more than an 'epitome of the nanny state, prove you actually exist and are not a two headed Mongolian, anal, crappy, rant provoking' CRB check.

Right I am off to do a bit of shopping in Derby - not personal shopping but birthday shopping for my dear old Mum (all budgeted for) then its back to the CRB check, the Uni application form, the BACP accreditation form (70 bloody pages long - can you believe it? - I cant).

Will catch you later. Hugs xxxx

Rat Race

2008-05-12T20:30:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie as I am in the middle of preparation for work tomorrow.

I feel as if I am on a treadmill - trudging along. My optimistic and slightly eccentric outlook on life sometimes deserts me, often due to hormonal reasons or overwork or stuff that's going on but by and large I am able to enjoy things, drink the elixir of life, squeal with pleasure ... you get the picture!

Not so tonight.

I have seen clients back to back throughout the day. The last one did not finish till 5.30, got stuck in traffic which meant I did not get home till 6.45. I have eaten my meagre but healthy dinner and now I am back in my office preparing for work tomorrow!

So, I ask myself, is this it? Is this what life is going to be like for the next umpteen years. Now in my rational moments I know this is not true. There is so much exciting and wonderful stuff going on in my life at the moment I can barely get a full nights sleep due to anticipation. Not so tonight - tonight it seems bleak.

After running off my handouts for my over 35's group (all relationship stuff) and catching up on my screening intakes, and a letter to an errant patient I have to boldly go into the kitchen to prepare for tomorrows lunch.

Tomorrow the alarm will go off at 7am - up for a run, shower, breakfast, drive to work, work, eat prepared lunch, more work, drive home, eat meagre dinner, prepare for presentation the following day, back into kitchen to prepare tomorrows lunch ... and so on.

Oh grizzly.

I need my fairy goggles so it can all seem magical again.

Funny what too much progesterone can do for one. Sigh!

Wow I can post again.

2008-05-10T20:50:00.000+01:00

I have not been able to post. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much positive thinking was employed. My dashboard would not work.

I considered uninstalling Norton antivirus - I appealed to the all knowing Bobo for advice - but thankfully Blogger have sorted it.

Normal service has been resumed.

Got loads to say but have just drank a bottle of cider and a bottle of wine so its a bloody wonder I am managing to write anything.

Must tell you about my moot ... and about the Age of Horus ... and about shamanism in general. I met a real live shaman this week, someone who had been to the edge of death and seen stuff ... moot chieftan to boot. See I have loads to say but just to pissed to say it.

Love ya all!

Every one is getting better ...

2008-05-02T16:08:00.000+01:00

I am always amazed and entranced by how the universe works - how expectation affects what happens; how the flow of events creates evolution and change.

Last year I was inundated with private psychotherapy clients - I could hardly afford to fit in my NHS work. Then I took out a bold and expensive advert in Yellow Pages which I was assured would boost my business even more. There was a move from the psychoanalysis into the counselling section (statistically more enquiries), plus a carefully crafted advert guaranteed to bring in the clients.

At the same time I was offered more hours in the NHS and I began to attach to my work there, to the people (ex-mining community struggling to come to terms with the disappearance of their heritage)- my focus subtly changed. Suddenly I wanted the paid job more than the vagaries of being self employed. I relished the diversity of clients, people from all backgrounds - I found managing waiting lists and dealing with issues of accessibility challenging and rewarding. I loved the earthy nature of the community which was embracing me.

Hey Presto!

My Yellow Pages add has been a disaster. One enquiry only. My private business has reduced to no more than £175 a week. My NHS work now pays the bills.

I find myself in a position where I am on the threshold of having a full time job that is well paid and secure. My only concern has been for my remaining private clients. I still need time for them. Yet this week 6 of my remaining 10 have bounced in to my therapy room having integrated the changes we have been working on together - the changes are holding and they are better! Slowly but surely these wonderful people are leaving me and growing, moving forward into a brighter adulthood. They no longer need me to hold them but are embracing a future with the resources to cope for themselves. It is both sad and wonderful, humbling ... bitter sweet.

So here I am feeling truly grateful for how this incredible unfolding that we call life works. Grateful for the mechanics of experience. The path is almost clear for me to emerge from this phase and into the next.

Of course I am aware that I may not get the full time post - if so then I believe that I will flow into the next stage anyway, the place I am meant to be. You may call it faith ... so what if it is. Faith can and does move mountains.

I love my job.

I love working with people; the respect and the intimacy. I love being a midwife for rebirth.

Have a great bank holiday. Breathe and enjoy.

Beltane

2008-04-30T20:38:00.000+01:00

Last night I had one of those girlie nights - ie cauldrons, athames and velvet dresses with unnecessarily plunging necklines.

Its Beltane today/tomorrow. Time of rampant desire and unbridled sexual passion - well at least that's the plan.

All of us jumped the Beltane fire (candle in a cauldron) and I called in a number of energies. One of which was my sparkle. My long term readers will know that my 'sparkle' is vitally important to my well being, and some would say defines who I am. Of late it has been rather feeble. Rather too much going on - most of it tricky stuff that has been rather draining - however there is a stirring. Most definitely.

I invoked my Goddess Freya - so that means my sparkle is guaranteed to return in shed loads.

Spring helps - all of those buds, and sproutings. New jobs beckon. New experiences entice with delicious promise. I called in new friends as well as old and much loved ones. I called in health and vitality, passion and adventure.

Retreats are top of the list - open rituals in groups, drumming out of doors, lots of life enhancing stuff.

Ok so the dissertation has to be written and the new Masters embarked upon.... but as well as that there is the Druidry course and World of Warcraft (my reward for completion of my tasks) new books to be read, new music to be transported by, new films to see. Lots of it - as well as a deepening of all that is in my life already. Drink deeply and life will not disappoint.

Here's to a sparkly future!

Jelly Babies

2008-04-17T21:34:00.000+01:00

I must stop eating jelly babies. I always begin like a frenzied shark - snaffling and chomping. Then when the stomach finally registers that there is an excess of gelatin, sugar and psychedelic food colouring its too late and I feel sick as a dog.

Groan!

I like the orange ones - how about you?

Something light hearted and lemony

2008-04-15T19:10:00.001+01:00

See, see - I am still creating time to blog! Although today I am not going to be posting something thought provoking or particularly stimulating - that's because I have a curry about to arrive. It was going to be garlic mushrooms, crusty bread and salad but after a valiant struggle (cough!) I gave in to the general wishes and have opted for an Indian. I have had a veggie one tonight - part of my new way of thinking about weight, karma and not eating dead flesh.

Sooooo my little post is about anti-perspirant. I have given it up!

Now before you all rush off to find pegs and stuff let me explain. I still smell sweetly. I have never really been a 'sweater' so smearing dodgy stuff that clogs up my pores, glands and may even be implicated in breast cancer seems a dangerous waste of time and money.

Instead I have opted for a block deodorant from Lush which smells zingy, lemony and fresh. Lemon essential oil is a natural bactericide and good old talc, which is the base product, soaks up any perspirings a treat. My other alternative is a dab of Starchild Tantra oil which is musky and spicy. I feel much better - there is too much sterile, ultra clean thinking that goes on anyway. Plus everyone I know says I have a natural scent with is 'divine' (and I quote) therefore I am not going to worry about aluminium containing cloggers anymore. I shall let my body breathe and do what it is supposed to.

I do like the smell of sweat on a man - so why shouldn't men have the same kind of response to women. [Caveat: Providing its not stale and has developed into rancid BO]. Sweat contains pheromones. Those are gooooood! I think we mask too much of our real selves in many ways, the earthy scent of the body is luscious - I am going natural.

Hedging my Bets

2008-04-14T20:02:00.000+01:00

I realised last night what a bet hedger I really am.

I have been attending a Buddhist meditation class recently: Good anti-stress measure plus some stimulating adult conversation.

However last night I did find myself at odds with the 'teacher'. The subject of Karma, rebirth and animals. I don't actually subscribe to the Buddhist path but I do like some of the teachings so it was all too much for me when we were encouraged to let our pets die of natural causes instead of trying to end suffering by euthanasia. I was outraged. The principle is that if we terminate the suffering then the soul of the animal cannot ripen its karma and so takes a low rebirth again... er .. So that means my cat who had her face smashed in by a hubcap would have had to either bleed or starve to death. I don't think so!!!

At the end of the class I ended up having to explain my reticence and got the feeling that the teacher felt I was simply unable to show the faith that was necessary, and therefore should be treated with long suffering and compassion for my error. Whatever - there is no way I think animals should suffer. Full stop.

During the course of the debate I found myself defending and explaining
1. My Christian frame of reference
2. My Pagan frame of reference
3. The bits of the Buddhist frame of reference that I sign up for

So many spiritual paths? It can only mean one thing, in a truly cosmic sense - "No one is going to get me" - with all the bases covered I should be bomb proof!

Post Heisenbergs uncertainty principle ... and getting things done

2008-04-13T16:40:00.000+01:00

"Whatever you send out is what you draw back in. Take responsibility for the thoughts and emotions you send out, for they go into the universe and create the events and circumstances that come back to you"

"Its your belief system that runs every moment of your lives"

These are just two quotes from my latest reading material, Living Magically by Gill Edwards. One of my clients bought it for me as a yuletide gift - just before she magically disappeared into the ether. I am enjoying it! My therapist screwed up her nose and gave me a disparaging look when I mentioned it but there again my therapist and I are not generally on the same wavelength. I guess some of it could be dismissed as flaky but most of it is stunningly truthful and carries the 'Life Changing' label in full technicolour.

I am currently examining my own belief system which is full of catastrophic thinking - eek! I am also currently seeking to change my beliefs. I have observed that how we think, what we believe actually does affect what happens to us... or maybe it provides a filter which only allows us to see the things that fit in with our belief system. Now, I am not by any means apportioning blame to the individual - I am not saying that victims of abuse and war and crime 'ask' for these things to happen. I would never suggest such a thing and those that do show a deeply damaging and cruel way of framing experience.

What I am talking about are the things such as - "I can never be thin", "life is hard", "I will never have enough money" etc etc base line beliefs about experience which I do think affects us and shapes our lives.

The one that has recently come to light for me is "I never have enough time". Big theme for me, and one I will regularly churn out. I cant do x,y and z because I never have enough time. I cant call, text, blog because I never have enough time. I am someone who is invariably late! I adore Alice in Wonderland - how does it start? - the white rabbit is late and nervously looking at his watch! Time is a theme for me. I enjoy films and TV that involve time travel, I am fascinated by new scientific understanding of time as a circular phenomenon as opposed to a linear force. Time, time, time.

So I decided today that I DID have enough time, and you know what ... I have managed to do everything that I wanted too. Even a 40 minute journey in the car turned out to be 30 mins (no speeding involved, alas, my points tally is getting way too big). So here I am having blogged again - read everyones' blogs and commented. I have a meditation class tonight and I am twiddling my thumbs. By believing I have enough time - I have enough time.

With one proviso ... I have not done my menus for the week. I have not planned out my healthy lunches and low calorie meals ... so here we have another belief system. "I always have to struggle with my weight". The only task I have not completed relates to facilitating my own healthy weight. See how it works? So now I am off to do that job because I CAN be a healthy weight without having to starve, struggle or be bloody miserable!

Tidy Room - Tidy Mind - Big insight

2008-04-12T17:11:00.002+01:00

I always know when I am feeling OK - a sense of inner peace and serenity pervading - when I get the urge to tidy.

I have been told I am a messy person - well yes I can be.

I have been accused of just leaving stuff around - well again, yes this is true.

However I am not an inherently messy person because I do love to tidy and organise.

In order to do this it has to get into a mess first! That is my undeniable logic.

There is a good reason why I develop a 'wall of shame' in my bedroom, or allow the bathroom shelf to get cluttered or let my jewelery fall into a state of shambolic disrepair. Its so I can tidy it up, and look at all the floor space, tidy pots of body stuff and sparkly bracelets and feel a sense of immense satisfaction!

I have had a blissful afternoon tidying. Tidying myself first and foremost by sorting out my exfoliants, my bath bubbles, melts and fizzing bath ballistics, organising the bathroom shelf into nail things, face creams, body lotions and the terribly satisfying shower shelf, shampoos in one bit, moisturisers in another - you get the picture.

Sorted out my reading material - my tottering pile of bedside books is now only 6 volumes high. My eclectic collection of esoteric symbolic jewelery is all sorted according to colour, wood, metal etc. Giving my Obsessive Compulsive part a run out has done me a power of good.

Eeee by gum its been grand!!!

As part of my inner journey through the medium of a tidying frenzy - I became aware of a script story I carry as part of my inner programme. Snow White. It hit me like a bolt of lightening; bring on all the rabbits and squirrels, the deer can help too - lets just get everything spick and span. In fact I am convinced that Snow White is more of a script story than Sleeping Beauty (the one I always thought it was) Snow White fits the bill a lot more - scarily so.

My Mum was a lovely Mum until I got to 14 - when I began to grow up and become a threat to her. My mother is a striking woman, jet black hair, emerald eyes, a sort of mediteranian look about her, shapely and tall - she always had an entourage of men in tow. I was born when she was 20 so she was also young.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all ...

My mother turned against me once I developed my own charms. Blonde hair, saphire blue eyes, a scandanavian look about me - shapely and tall. So when the men began to notice me she treated me in the most savage and brutal way. I endured 6 years of emotional and physical abuse from her until I finally left by the only means I knew how. I got married at 20 years old.

Then followed years of housework. Cooking, cleaning - caring for my man and my family. I was the perfect little Snow White, however as my lack of fullfillment began to grow like a tumour in my 'perfect' life so I began to entertain ideas of dying. The glass coffin was strangely seductive, I imagined I was ill - that it was terminal, I may as well have been dead as there was little joy in my life and the future seemed like a bleak and grey nothingness.

Thankfully I rejected the poisened apple my mother offered me; a life lived in unhappiness and I got myself out of the fairy tale.

Funny how tidying can lead to such musings - thought I would share it with you as I feel humbled by the knowledge. Our beliefs systems shape our lifes. Mine changed, I am so so grateful that it did.

Will be blogging at Weekend

2008-04-10T21:12:00.000+01:00

Hello, hello all you lovely bloggers.

I am having a weekend off this weekend - (after being ill, going to conference, then straight back to work, private clients on top of that - supervision all day Saturday, housework Sunday, work all week, private session this evening - 4 tomorrow)...I am so looking forward to A BLOODY WONDERFUL WEEKEND OFF.

Top of my agenda is blogging - well actually its 'lush' bath first, shave legs and stuff (shuffle) then blogging and responding to emails and generally catching up on the friendships that have been unattended for a while - including my cyber ones. Phew!!!

I was supposed to be writing part of my dissertaion this weekend but I cant do it all - and I am not prepared to either; So I am going to fiddle about and sleep and sort out my menus (yes I do weekly menus - all very obsessive compulsive of me).

Just one bit of news ...

I got a BLOODY speeding fine AGAIN - those dratted cameras, its deliberate! The one that caught me is on 'the Stafford road towards bloxwich' those of you that know it will be aware its a nightmare. There must be 15 cameras and 15 cunningly disguised different speed restrictions. Is it 40 or maybe 50, perhaps it just went to a 30 - whoops no, its OK - 50 again - wop on the brakes its now 30 with about 3 yards warning. Of course it is a fantastic money spinner for whoever rakes in the ill gotten takings - stolen from law abiding citizens. I now have to fork up £60 and have a grand total of 6 points on my licence. Thinking of joining the association that spray paints lenses of these monsters or sets fire to them - I see it as a public service!

See you soon xxxx

Just about back in the Land of the Living

2008-03-24T17:34:00.001Z

Hello to you all - and thank you for your comments on my previous post - written oh so long ago. Just as I thought I would have a lovely bank holiday to blog - I got the flu! I mean the real thing.

Has led me to muse upon working too hard and how its not good for the immune system. Plus some very deep thinking on the 'I'm not allowed to be happy' message I carry around in my script. I battle with this little blighter and mostly win the battle but it has a happy knack of popping out on the somatic level just when I feel happy such as A nice long Easter holiday or The fun packed Psychotherapy conference scheduled for the end of the week. Once a wave of deep contentment strikes my 'I cant be happy' musters the troops and comes out full combat mission to strike me down and make me stay in bed, sniffling and full of woe.

Well you know what - I think his time is up because in spite of my illness I have still read, and meditated, sorted stuff out and watched some cracking DVDs. So there - yah boo sucks!!! I am having a delicate chicken and apricot curry tonight - OK so he managed to put the 'chilli explosion' off the menu but so what! Being content in spite of being ill seems to have helped my immune system to rally. I have got out of bed and am being extraordinarily nice to me. I feel better already and will be blogging properly before I hop off to the conference. That's a promise.

I have been tagged by Darth - cheers Mister, I will attend to that and I am going to have to put the Word Verification thingy on for comments. Sorry about that but I have been spammed as Hedgewizard predicted I would.

If you have found my post a little bizarre. Blame it on the fever!

Sorry for being so quiet....

2008-03-10T19:41:00.000Z

I am aware that I have not written a lot recently. Its not intentional - its just the readjustment period to working 22 hours at the GP's. It means I am back later and my private clients are getting squeezed into two days - hence not as much time as I used to have.

I am sure it will settle and I will get into a rhythm. I am aware I have not been reading all your wonderful blogs - I feel the poorer for it. Just give me a chance to sort myself out and it will be business as usual.

I have my Sons bash to write about - observations of freedom, and the energy of teenagers.

The recent moot is another topic - good stuff on survival and the sympathetic nervous system, plus pagan observations - always good.

Ok so there are my apologies. Will be back hopefully later in the week. Till then I will be thinking of you xxx

I have had a bollocking

2008-03-06T14:26:00.000Z

I need to process this - on one hand I am outraged, on the other filled with mortification.

I submitted my last two assignments for my Post Grad Diploma at the end of Feb, as my regular readers will know. I thought I had written them all but it turned out more pounds of flesh were needed. In order not to bugger up my 'Big exam/Masters' progression I used two questions from the dissertation as the basis for the last two assignments.

Still with me? ... good.

As these were being submitted for Diploma they needed 'Short Titles' on the 'Front Sheet' - a piece of paper that gives details of stage of training, word count etc. Having been vaguely aware that trainees have been urged to 'invent' short titles to simplify the process of categorisation (if the assignments are not the 'official' titles given after each topic training) then I condensed the titles and (as I thought) duly obliged. Turned out I should have written 'BigExam'1 and 'BigExam'11. This MAY have been communicated through the medium of a dusty edict issued when the handbooks were given out ... but to be honest it was news to me.

These two assignments are critical for my graduation in May.

Hello??? ... still there? .. OK last bit.

I got a snotty letter today which filled me with alarm - enclosed were two amended front sheets that had been photocopied.

The first three paragraphs of the letter outlined my transgression, outlined the consequences of my transgression and the fact that I would not have my assignments marked in time ... hence no graduation. Cue the shaking hands, ashen features and general palpitations. I was told in no uncertain terms how pathetic/lazy/wicked/ criminally insane I was.

Then, at the bottom of the letter (which if it could have combusted and burnt me to death would have done) was this little paragraph ... see what you think

"However * has found the time to help me fill in the necessary information on the front sheet. Please do look at it and note what is needed for future work. I am not promising to do this in future. It may be that if I get more work from you without a correctly filled in front sheet you will get it back for completion and so miss the marking point. I do hope this will not happen."

Well f**k me! I was livid. Talk about I'm OK You're NOT (OH NO MOST DEFINITELY NOT) OK. Am I over reacting? Or was that anally retentive, jobsworth, big bullying teacher stuff. The assingments had been sent for marking after all, and all that was required was a 10 second ammendment to the short title. I felt and still feel about 4years old, humiliated and shamed. I may as well have wet my pants.

Oh my goodness - what a struggle!

2008-03-01T17:03:00.002Z

Today was the day I had set aside to write Section B of my psychotherapy dissertation. It is the shortest (and easiest) section - "Your training and personal development."

Easy my arse!

I have wrested with it all day and only just finished. Bloody Hell! What a pain in the neck. So this is how it went:-

Tap away at the key board - 200 words

Fiddle on facebook

50 words

Facebook
Facebook
Make a cuppa
Facebook

20 words

Facebook
Phone a friend
Facebook
Check the blog

70 words

Facebook
Lunch
Cuppa
Facebook

300 words

Facebook

Back to essay - have a read

Facebook
Check phone
Face book
Get berated by daughter for being on Facebook

150 words

Cup of tea
Check phone
Vow not to look at Facebook
Facebook

Bang head on desk

Remaining words written.

I cant tell you how relieved I am that that is over. Oh my goodness! So now I am off for a bath, to shake and gibber and recover from the experience. I have been saving up a Lush bath bomb especially for the occasion.

So think of me in my state of post dissertation bliss - and post facebook binge. I am taking a glass of cider up there and am going to read the crappiest book I can find.

Have a great evening.... and whatever you do - don't even stray onto Facebook, you might never get out alive.

What does it mean to be a Witch - Part Two

2008-02-29T15:44:00.000Z

"To reclaim the word witch is to reclaim our right as women to be powerful" Starhawk: Spiral Dance
Here we have one of the single most important features for me when it comes to neo paganism.

I grew up in a family which was governed by a strict christian code. We attended church maybe 4 times a week, the women or 'Sisters' were subordinate to the men (Brethren). Sisters took no part in any of the services and were not allowed to speak, they also had to cover their heads with hats or veils. To have an uncovered head was considered blasphemy as God was the head of Jesus, Jesus was the head of the Church and Man was the head of the woman. Sisters are allowed to play the organ, teach in sunday school and organise any catering. A few slipped through onto committees such as choosing the topics for bible class but it was rare (and daring!) I have had bible study classes in my home where I was expected to wear a head covering because one Brother was in attendance. That also meant that I had to keep silence.

Women were encouraged to keep house and raise children to ensure future generations continued on the straight and narrow. Careers were frowned on. Outward adorning was frowned on. Most things were frowned on. Clothing had to cover the body properly, and too much flesh on display would bring swift rebuke from a senior Sister. After all, Eve was the originator of sin, she persuaded her husband to eat from the tree and only through childbirth would womankind redeem for her sin. "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children".

Sexuality was repressed. No sex before marriage, no divorce, no marriage to anyone not of the same faith. Mortifying sin in the flesh was the ultimate objective and as women were sin personified then they had to be even more supressed and repressed.

Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Wicca, witchcraft, paganism ... call it what you will is the most wonderful opposite to all of that vile wickedness. It redresses the balance. Women are no longer evil but the embodiment of Goddess, to be revered, celebrated and enjoyed. The Goddess .... symbol of the divine feminine brings power to women downtrodden by a patriachal heirachy.

Being a witch means that sexuality is sacred. Sex is allowed, it is activly encouraged ... it is a natural expression of the soul. To deny our bodies and our sexuality is not required.

In most major religions the preists, prophets, gurus, buddhas etc are male. In paganism it can be either, but is predominantly female. I act as priestess at my coven rituals. Each time I do, I want to shout aloud with joy - I can express my spirituality, I can speak, I can sing, I can conduct the ceremony. It is so liberating and empowering. I have spent my life being taught to submit to male authority and masculine perceptions. Being a witch means that being female is an ADVANTAGE!

The Goddess is vitally important for women - and for me. In Goddess, as a woman, I see myself as divine, my body as sacred, the changing phases of my life as holy - and not to be feared. Maiden, mother and Crone - all carry power and wonder. The qualities of aggression, anger, the power to nurture and create as well as destroy are encouraged and validated.

So what about the men that embrace the path? Men are tragically oppressed in patriachal religion. The oppression is more subtle than for women, but still they are encouraged to emulate spiritual perfection and destroy their 'base animal' nature. This puts men at war with themselves and hence that war gets projected outwards in behaviour. Paganism allows men to connect with symbols of divinity that show more humanity; that are at ease with sexuality - they dance, they create, they are free to play and express.

"All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals" - a quote from the Charge of the Goddess. The sensual pleasure of the body and mind are expressed freely and are seen as an expression of the life force. Therefore they are sacred within the guiding principle of love. (Its no wonder the controling church/state tried to supress witchcraft. We cant have people being happy now, can we - and finding out they can be at ease with themselves).

Pleasure is part of the ethos. Fear of judgement is removed.

After so much constraint, and so much indoctrination about the sinful nature of being a woman - to be a witch is like bursting from an underground coffin into the bright, clear air. I can breathe, I can feel, I can dance with the sheer joy of being alive. I can luxuriate in the knowledge that to be a woman is a good thing, not just good - FANTASTIC!

My Son

2008-02-25T21:10:00.001Z

I know I have been quiet. It has not been deliberate just how its worked out.

Last week my Son turned 18. It was an emotional experience for me. I am not the kind of Mum who enjoyed the baby phase, toddler or small child bit - I felt guilty about that for ages but not anymore. I never had a desire for them to be small again and have embraced their teenage years with joy!

However, on the morning my son was officially a man I did cry. All I could see was the golden haired blue eyed cherub who used to run round the house with his own little language. He had hearing and learning difficulties after the MMR vaccine went badly wrong. Thankfully he made a full recovery but I put in hours and hours and hours of one to one time with him, trying to show him that events were sequential and not stand alone experiences.

Once diagnosed his ears were operated on, and his tonsils removed. It took him weeks to get used to sound. The toilet flushing really frightened him and the first time he heard the ice cream van outside he was totally confused. He was in speech therapy for 2 years. He was designated as special needs but I refused to accept it, or allow him to be singled out. So I did the extra teaching myself.

It was so scary to be a mother when he was so ill. He was ill on and off for a long time and each time his ears would fill up and he would be sick for days (and long, long nights). It seemed like it would never end. I taught him how to relate to other children - he had existed in a world of his own for those crucial early developmental years. I am really proud of what I did.

His school life was a total success. He made lots of friends. He got 10 GCSE's all A*, A and B's. He is taking French, Psychology and History A level and is off to university this September. He sings in a band and is one of the most popular guys at his school. He is about to take his driving test and is off to Estonia this Summer on a holiday he has organised with his best mate. He got on a plane by himself at age 15.

Even as I recall all of this its like I am talking of someone else. The poorly child that fought and struggled with what the doctors poison did to him, bears no resemblance to the confident, attractive, gregarious young man that he now is. Not a hint of his former difficulties.

He is a man now - and I love him.

How do I get out of bed in the morning?

2008-02-18T16:46:00.001Z

Just had a 'major' embarrassing moment. Funny ... but embarrassing. Let me rewind a little because background will certainly explain my eccentricity.

I slept like the proverbial log last night. Toasty nightdress, 12 tog duvet, extra two blankets and that was me piping hot and cosy for the duration.

Was rudely awakened at 8.20am - had to be out of the house at 8.50am, fill the car with petrol and then 45min drive to my place of work.

Managed to get downstairs to eat and make a packed lunch - had a go at the kids and somehow got ready for work. At this point I was still having difficulty focusing - I mean visually. Not a great start to the day.

Anyway, I arrived in my consulting room, saw my patients, had successful sessions; managed to grab a cup of tea and sit back to do some admin.

In walks one of the GPs, we have serious chat about a patient who has to be seen urgently - crisis team cannot do it etc etc. Just so happens I have a slot next Monday - so she thanks me and just before she leaves says,

"I think I ought to tell you that you have your top on inside out".

At first the true horror did not sink in, then I looked down and noticed that the cluster of wash care labels were indeed on the outside and there for all to see, the buttons where nowhere to be seen and all my seams were out enjoying the sunshine.

Even now I am still in a state of shock - oh the mortifying shame!

Thankfully the GP in question was a woman and she thought it was hysterically funny. My parting shot was,

"Well that has blown any credibility the Counselling service may have had ... we cant even dress ourselves!"

Distractions and Dissertations

2008-02-16T16:02:00.000Z

Phew!

First 5,000 words written and proof read. Referencing will come later once my supervisor has sent the first draft of the first bit back for ammending - always ammending to do!

I have battled through today with a hang over. My own stupid fault for drinking a whole bottle of wine last night and casting caution to the wind.

It has taken three days to write this bit - I have to admit it would have taken much less time if I had not have indulged in a particularly (snigger, giggle) naughty bit of distraction. I have been surfing google images for erotic art. Even as I tut at myself, and hang my head in mock shame I am aware of Bob and Mary Gouldings treatment suggestion for OCD - "instead of performing a ritual choose to have a sexual fantasy instead". So I did, lots of them all courtesy of good old Google.

The images are now stored in my own private stash on my computer and I may just post one or two on my blog. All are rather tastefull and stylish - so much more erotic than the explicit stuff, in my opinion anyway.

So there you have it, my confession - well actually not all of it, not one of the images were of men!

Make of that what you will.

Well I am off for a cup of tea and a lie down. The kitchen needs doing but I am pretending its in a parallel universe and therefore does not really exist in this dimension.

Rant

2008-02-15T15:56:00.000Z

OK - deep breath, lock, load.

What the f**k are those stupid, idiotic illuminated road signs about - the ones that say 'slow down' and flash into life when you are doing one or two miles over the speed limit.

Please stand up if you were the idiot that invented them, or that thought it was a great idea to have them on our roads emphasising the idea the 'we cannot think for ourselves, make decisions or be trusted to act in a safe and responsible manner'.

Please also stand up if you are one of the compliant sheep that actually slow down. Shame on you! However, you are not alone! Sadly no.

There are two of these 'offenses against the thinking capacity of the autonomous adult driver' stationed not a mile from my door. I regularly pass them, one helpfully advises us all (says she with an ironic sneer) to 'Slow Down' the other flashes up '30' in the biggest, boldest, raucously outrageous characters. I am surprised the powers that be did not go the whole hog and start up with an air raid siren every time an errant driver passed such signs. Maybe even alert the closest orbiting satellite to nuke the offending vehicle out of existence.

I am weary with all of this nannying - the tut tuts and finger wagging disapproval of the 'Big Brother' state. I personally stand and salute every time I hear of a brave brother in arms who burns down a speed camera after being zapped for the third time, or who sticks up a big fat middle finger to a cctv camera before ripping it from its self important perch. I am a decent law abiding citizen yet I feel terrorised and persecuted for simply using the roads.

Where has free will gone - and no I am not advocating maniacal driving, speeding or anti-social behaviour - but the freedom to exercise choice. Where is the right for an individual to determine their own behaviour within the basic boundaries of the law? I tell you - it doesn’t exist. It’s gone! Eradicated in a world where 'the three little pigs' are considered an offense to religious sensibilities and people can sue your arse if you defend your own home from attack. Cotton wool and bureaucracy gone mad. Before long we will need an nvq and written permission from the counsel to wipe our own arses!

I for one speed up deliberately when passing a sensor triggered road sign, I sound my horn if anyone in front of me pays it any attention whatsoever and I elevate a finger as I fly past. My personal protest against the criminalisation of the motorist and a world gone half mad with fear of litigation, and rampant loony views of the terminally nitpicky 'jobsworth' conforming, controlling ranks of the anally retentive.

I got a mwah!

2008-02-12T21:35:00.000Z

Thanks dj for my mwah. Much needed and much appreciated.

I am supposed to be handing some out too. As I just got accused of getting all frisky and erotic (Nooo me?) I shall hand out a mwah to some of the fellas on my roll.

So Darlings ...

Graffiti
Trousers
Silent Observer
Wow-like- Pow

You can all have a mwah. I know two of you are single, one considers himself single and the other is shrouded in mystery. So there you go - no guilty consciences there then.

Disclaimer: This was all done in the best possible taste, no malicious intent intended, no friskiness anywhere near the place and the being alone all night with cider did not feature one little bit.

Imbolc and my Power Animal

2008-02-12T20:20:00.000Z

Last week I celebrated Imbolc with my witchletts. We had a fab time - we always do! Imbolc is the mid winter festival of Brigid; A time of poetry and inspiration in the midst of snow and frost. Let me quote from the blurb inside my Starchild Imbolc incense,

The ice is melting and the ground turns muddy and soft. The water cleanses and prepares the earth womb to become fertile once again. In the hidden depth of the earth hitherto dormant seeds are beginning to germinate and life is stirring. The Sun Child is gathering strength, the days are getting longer and light and warmth are beginning to return. Almost imperceptibly the earth is quickening and the buds are beginning to swell.

Imbolc is a time of fasting and cleansing. The larder is getting sparser. It is time to clean out and get rid of old stuff in preparation of next season's growth.

That explains some of the festival - or what it means in the Wheel of the Year, and the cycle of birth, growth and death. Clear out the old, prepare for the new - be inspired because Winter will not last long. Imbolc, as most pagan festivals did, got pinched and incorporated into other faith or folk customs. Groundhog Day, Pancake Day all carry similar themes.

But the really exciting bit ... I mean really really exciting is that we got to go on an Astral Journey, a kind of deep trance that is so vivid it’s like you are really there, WITHOUT the use of any kind of dodgy herbage. Once of our little group is a Shaman so she whipped out her drum and off we went. It’s a curious sensation to float out of your body and observe yourself lying on the floor! The purpose of the travel was to discover our power animal. We were taken on a guided visualisation and asked to watch out for the animal that appeared three times. There were a number of candidates that appeared for me, at one point I was rather alarmed as I thought a mouse was going to come forward. Nothing against mice (I used to keep them as pets) but it was not what I wanted to see.

In the nick of time a great big leopard came running over the horizon towards me. She was beautiful and powerful. Just what I need right now! Leopards are one of the stealthiest predators ... silent.... patient.... ultimately deadly. Phew! My leopard is very welcome.

Now whatever you may think - and yes I mean you, rational boys - trance is an effective way of making contact with the subconscious mind, the deep child wants and fantasies, and the unconscious process that motivates all of us out of our awareness. My power animal epitomises the qualities that I value right now and has given an outward focus for such qualities.
Survival
Beauty
Silent watching
Camouflage
Power that can be called upon at any time; latent, present and swift.

Power Animals and guides are important in Native American spiritual beliefs – I am happy to go along with that (with my fondness for psycho spirituality) - they are metaphors for who we are inside, and the qualities we need to survive the habitat of our lives in the here and now.

I am really interested to know, dear readers, what you would like your power animals to be. Reasons optional, but simply focusing on the qualities will help bring them into sharp relief.

How do you eat yours?

2008-02-08T11:34:00.000Z

How do you eat yours? - overused cliche? Maybe, but as I swing round the cusp of the year and into Jan/Feb/March I inwardly groan because in spite of all the resolutions to get fit and slim Cadbury's Creme Eggs appear in the shops.

I LOVE Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Always have - always will. It is a short lived 'season'; once Easter has passed then I no longer have the urge to scarf down the tempting little blighters.

I become furtive in my habits, I secret the eggs about my person and my house. There are egg stashes in my drawers and I get the shakes if I think I have not got the safety net of at least three in reserve at any one time. Woe betide anyone that touches my eggs!

The ritual of enjoyment is always the same. Not for me the quick chomp or eating on the run. No, eating of a Creme Egg is a precise science, a work of art, a traditional ceremony.

First there is the tea - there has to be tea, steaming hot and in a mug (no poncey cups) and there is the clearing of space. Minumum of 20mins. The Egg is taken while reclining on a sofa. Next the wrapper is peeled off, only half though, half remains in place to provide non chocolately handling. Then the anticipation, looking at the smooth brown promise of it, knowing that inside is the white, creamy fondant just waiting to be released in a flood of pleasure.

So then comes the dipping. The exposed egg is dipped into the hot tea, the warmth beginning to melt the chocolate which is licked off slowly, savouing every moment on the tongue - with each lick the fondant gets closer and closer to the surface, till only the thinnest and most exquisite layer of chocolate prevents the full experience.

The anticipation, the delight!!

Then comes the release - in one glorious moment the fondant is revealed and its time for fingers. Mmmmm plunging the finger into that well of sweetness and scooping it out into the waiting mouth. Sheer bliss! This part is the fullness of satisfaction, the epitomy of decandence. Sensual, satisfying - making sure that all is extracted till nothing remains in the empty shell.

And finally with the tea still warm the remaining chocolate can be eaten savagly and quickly, something to really get the teeth into. A lovely twitch in the tail to complete the experience.

OOOooooh aaaahhhh. Creme Eggs!

How do you eat yours?

A Perfect Circle

2008-02-05T10:48:00.000Z

Wanted to share these with you guys, one of my most favourite songs - its evokative and holds for me an entire experience that will never be repeated - the words say it all.

Threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

What does it mean to be a Witch - Part One

2008-02-01T16:57:00.000Z

I got asked this question some time ago by Kahless. At first I squirmed about the label, after all, I do come from a staunch christian background where witchcraft is up there with adultery and murder as the unforgivable sins. However the biblical definition of witchcraft has nothing to do with modern Wiccan practice ... says she soothing those Parent voices in her head.

However I am a witch - I do believe that thought influences reality (magick), I can alter my conciousness at will and I do celebrate the 8 festivals in the year, plus I like all the velvet dresses, cloaks and magical tools. I am also a woman - and I believe deeply that witchcraft is the ONLY religious persuasion that truly celebrates the feminine, that sees divinity as female first, then male. I subscribe to that point of view, if that makes me a Witch then so be it.

I am directly opposed to the ethos of patriachal society which has done nothing but destroy and oppress based on its interlocking pillars of sexism, racism, class exploitation and environmental destruction.

Being a Witch is a stand against those philosphies and so the first and foremost reason for taking this path is because Witches treat the planet and humanity with respect.

Deep Ecology and ecofeminism are encapsulated in the Wiccan path. If you want to learn more about these concepts then I recomment www.thegreenfuse.org.

I watched the BBC series Planet Earth and was filled with awe as well as deep sadness. Who are we to rape and plunder this wonderful planet? Who are we to set ourselves up as Masters of the natural world?

Being a Witch means that I experience myself as part of the living earth and therefore I must play my part in protecting the planet. Witchcraft is a hybrid indiginous religion, and as with all such paths it originates from a time when mankind HAD to respect the earth. He had no choice but to work within his environment and live in harmony with the seasons. All other religions came along much later. In fact 'Christian Cultures' were responsible for the great colonial horrors of slavery, the decimation of native american society and most indiginous peoples who by and large lived in harmony with nature and only took what they needed to survive.

In formal religion God rules the world from outside. In Witchcraft Goddess is the world manifested in each one of us and the ecosystem of the planet. Worship of an external God who has given permission for mankind to bring the planet into subjection, rationalises the belief that mankind can plunder the planet. As he is encouraged to conquer sin in his own flesh, so he has been encouraged to conquer the natural world and the peaceful people that live in harmony with it. Think of the crusades and the missionaries; whole societies have been crushed or dismantled either by war or dogma until they are no longer able to sustain their original life styles. Witchcraft recognises ecological balance - it is a religion of ecology. It also recognises and values indiginous culture.

These things are very important to me. They touch my soul - therefore being a Witch is a political as well as a spiritual statement.

I observe the 8 festivals which follow the seasons; the solstices and the equinoxes. I observe the phases of the moon. It is a rhythmic path in which nature plays the most important role. I recycle, I buy ethically farmed foods, I am aware of my carbon footprint and am now making choices that reduce it. I support charities that work for the environment, I avoid supporting organisations that dont. Its not perfect, no doubt I contribute to the destruction as much as the next man but I do make sure my spiritual path has some impact on my life.

Being a Witch means being alive now! It is a joyful path. I love it.

OK, so thats probably enough from me. I have had to rush it due to time pressures so do forgive me if it is not constructed as well as I would have liked. Part 2, 3 and possibly 4 will cover the female aspect and more of the fluffy stuff.

Is it me or is this just priceless?

2008-02-01T13:28:00.000Z

Entry in the Imbolc edition of Pagan Dawn - in the gatherings and get together section;

Great Oak Interfaith Moot. Upstairs at Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem. Second Sunday monthly.

Pagans and a trip to Jerusalem. Irony?

Well I thought it was funny ...

I'm 'avin' hoops!

2008-01-31T16:23:00.000Z

Anyone that relished the wonderful Life on Mars will recognise the quote. The inimitable Gene Hunt and his 'in yer face' attitude.

Well .... thats what I live with. The errant Mr Vix who will be known from here on in as 'The Homicidal Buddhist' is Gene Hunt the second.

I went to the accountants today. I am about to submitt my accounts for my second year of trading, even though I am in year 4 now. Its how it works apparently. With my first year set up costs, EXORBITANT training costs and a previous accounts cock up I made a loss in my first year - to be expected.

Second year I also expected to make a loss due to afore mentioned EXORBITANT training costs but in fact I made a £2500 profit - Wey Hey! Not bad for a second year. However the accountant had me down for having a meagre £3,000 income. "Not so" I protested. Homicidal Buddhist aka Gene Hunt II pointed out to the accountant that there was a blue sticky label obscuring the true income figure in the official file (there was indeed - a foolish error on the part of the accountant), and that therefore the accounts would have to be redone. There then ensued a bad tempered and unpleasant exchange of views as to the validitiy of the figures, the relevance of bank statements, paying in slips etc as evidence and the alleged incompetance of 'said accountant'. I sat there as the storm raged around my ears until Gene II told 'said accountant' that he was doing his head in, should stop being childish and admit he had buggered up! He then stormed from the room and told 'said accountant' that he needed to cool off before "I do something I may regret".

I was then left in the room with 'said accountant', a room unused to such uproar, with a tumble weed silence to endure. I simply picked up my bag and said I would wait in the foyer. Oh grizzly!

This has nothing on the incident the previous week. Gene II and me were reversing out of a parking spot in the sleepy town of Uttoxeter. Some old guy would not wait for the entire manoevre to complete and drove past at speed, narrowly avoiding our car. Well ..... what then followed was a high speed chase throught the car park. There was a screeching of tires and a lovely diagonal parking position from Gene II as he lept out of the car, still in motion I might add ... and began abusing the old guy. Now I do not have a lot of sympathy for the old guy, he was being impatient and foolish but I could not bare to watch as the tirade of abuse poured down upon him and his wife as he shakily tried to call the police on his mobile.

Grizzly indeed. Mr Vix/Homicidal Buddhist/Gene Hunt II does not always behave in this way. However the more rational moments do not make for good blogging ;o)

I meanwhile have had a cup of 'tranquility' tea and consolled myself with the fact that I wont be paying tax for at least another year.

Meditation, Sophia and losing 3lbs

2008-01-29T10:06:00.000Z

It was full moon on the 22nd and as is my habit I pulled my symbols for the lunar month. My animal guide - the Eagle, and my Goddess, Sophia - Goddess of wisdom.

I enjoy focusing my mind on what these symbols represent. I could witter on about the astral plane, and thought creating matter and how we form God/Goddess in our own image but I wont - you have heard me do that before. Instead I shall just say that I am working with Sophia energy at the moment and in a meditative moment I had a flash of inspiration - I need to love me.

From the moment you enter
till the time you surrender to death
all that you experience
directly for yourself
all the burnt fingers
to discover the fire is hot
all the falling flat
when your reach exceeds your grasp
all the explorations
of territory known and unknown
all these are pathways to me
Seek to know
and you are me
stretch to become
and you are me
The Feminine quests for wisdom
The Feminine is part of all women
all women are the Goddess
all women have wisdom
all women are Sophia

Amy Sophia Marashinksky

I need to stop worrying about men and relationships;I also need to stop pouring garbage into my body in the form of fatty foods and alcohol. I need to cherish my body - without it I would have nowhere to live!

On top of this wonderfully grounded realisation came the discovery of meditation 'proper'. By that I mean true Buddhist style. I am no Buddhist and do not wish to embrace that path but a lot of what they say makes sense. Especially as my mind is like a 50,000 volt energy surge most of the time. Calming it down is the best way for me to attain equilibrium right now.

So the upshot ... dear readers. In the midst of my current turmoil I am finding a still place, and I would like to enlist your help in my quest to attain a healthy weight.

I am going to post my weight every week so that I can have something to aim for. I was 11 stone 12lbs on Monday - I am 5 foot 7 so that makes me overweight. Yesterday I ate well and exercised, meditated and felt so much more centred. I shan't lose my Wiccan joy in the sensual pleasures of the body, or the Queen Vixen boot stomping sparkle but for now the soothing salve of the quiet mind is what I need.

PS I sneaked a peek at the scales today and I have lost 3lbs already - yes I know its water and stuff, but its a great start.

So maybe my therapist is right ...

2008-01-25T17:09:00.000Z

After ranting about my therapist and the process of personal therapy, I feel its only fair to tell you that she came up with a pretty spot on observation the other day. Just the 'one' mind you ... and I had to keep dragging her back to feelings as she was very keen to concentrate on the details of the story.

In fact I sometimes suspect she may be using my highly complex life story full of lust, betrayal, romantic intrigue, revenge and evil mothers as a basis for a novel. The eager glee to find out 'whats been happening for you' is disconcerting to say the least. Perhaps the old gal is using it to get her thrills .....mmmmm I shall think further about that one.

Anyway, she told me I was grieving. She is right. It was one of those light bulb moments when the truth hits you like a train.

It explains my sudden bursts of energy followed by lethargic slumps; the loss of my killer boot stomping risk taking sparkle and my bleak outlook at the moment.

So since then I have allowed myself to slide into the pit of despair, and boy is it a long, dark, bottomless pit. I have not set myself impossible tasks, I have wrapped up warm, wept, and done only the things I enjoy or have felt able to do ... oh and chocolate, always good.

Today I feel better. A lot better. Somehow the sun has shone today, and I have found myself thinking of doing a retreat or two this year. I printed off my essays ready for amending and have done a pile of ironing. Trying to put off grieving never works. Now I know I am grieving I can manage it.

So for that I say thank you to my therapist.

Better Day

2008-01-22T12:31:00.000Z

After my 'fat day' of yesterday, and all the plummeting self esteem that went with it , I have restored my inner happiness a little bit.

Going out tonight to see Alter Bridge in concert is helping. Nothing like a rock concert to clear out the crap of worry and responsibility. I am looking forward to a bit of free child energy.

I have personal therapy in about an hour. What a bloody waste of time that is! I am going to ask my therapist what our contract is - see if she can remember. Bet she cant! Plus I am not going to past time about what has been happening to me. The story is irrelevant - the feelings are what matter. So I shall simply say I want to change my feelings of low confidence, crushed confidence would be more accurate, and then I am going to shut up. See her earn her money ... if we sit in silence for an hour then so be it, I wont go back!

I feel incredibly let down by the process of personal therapy. I have attempted to own that, work with it with my therapist, be real about my feelings of resentment and hopelessness about the process but its produced nothing. Zip, Zilch ... a big fat zero. I have sat with those feelings of frustration, again ... tried to work with the uncomfortableness of it. However I really may as well burn £45 rather than turn up. I have to get out of there and find someone else.

Ah ... well maybe that's the script lesson .. the little smart arse chorus would say. Well yes maybe it is but its all very well understanding that however I am buggered if I am going to waste anymore hard earned cash feeling frustrated and annoyed.

So there you go, bit of ranting, bit of Rock expectation. At least I can feel a bit of fighting spirit returning.

Fat Day

2008-01-21T17:49:00.000Z

I am feeling fat. (This is the time all you male bloggers inwardly groan and sidle off in case I ask you if my bum looks big or something).

I am feeling fat and unattractive and generally horrid and imagining myself hideous to the opposite sex.

I don't like feeling like this.

I can talk to myself about self image, confidence, goddess curves ... all the logical thinking stuff ... till I am blue in the face but it makes no difference to how I feel.

I feel fat and horrid. No man in his right mind would look at me with desire, noooo surreeeee. They would simply say, "hey there's a fat bird" and unless they liked plump pillows of fun then they would turn aways and have a whistle at some leggy blond with a svelte figure - rather like me about 2 years ago.

I like to think of myself as a champion of 'real' women. But there is too much real flesh on my bones at the moment and I don't like it.

I knew things were bad when I could not concentrate on my clients today. All I could think about was being second best. Not good enough, not attractive enough and too fat. Not a good place at all.

Problem is ... no kind of external soothing works at all.

I really really don't want to get on the weight watchers treadmill in spite of lurking suspiciously on their website for at least 15 minutes.

What can cure me? Shifting a good stone? - having someone fancy me? - a week long retreat with right wing lesbians? ... who knows!!

Guess I will just have to emerge from this one myself - embrace Paul Mckenna and get my body moving.

Sorry to rant - I feel a teensy weensy bit better for doing so - I appreciate your indulgence :o)

Good friends

2008-01-17T11:40:00.000Z

What makes a good friend?

I experienced a good friend last night. I went out with Pixie for a meal and a couple of white wine sodas. I was in a sad place. I was feeling fat, unloveable, betrayed and overwhelmed.

Pixie was glowing with happiness after her weekend with her new man.

She was able to sit with me in my sad place. She did not try to solve it for me, she did not judge me, she offered some wonderful advice but it was not given with the underlying message that 'you have to do it or else I will feel discounted'. She let me be me.

In her good place of grounded, adult happiness she was able to contact me, and I her. My own sadness did not diminish my ability to glow with joy for her. We were present for each other.

We had a lovely time in spite of our different emotional moods.

Good friends are worth their weight in gold!

All done and dusted!

2008-01-13T17:25:00.000Z

Second assignment in the bag. 2,665 words - a worthy tome. I am so CHUFFED! Lots of inspiration, lots of energy and my little bit of Earth magick worked a treat. Magick, after all, focuses intent. My intent needed focusing believe me!

"What concepts do you use to work with couples, families or groups and how do they inform the way you work?"

After musing on the grammatical accuracy and effectiveness of the actual question, I just bit the bullet and wrote it.

I have written over 5,000 words this weekend. Dissertation should take me all of a week! (Of course I know this is not true - but just let me revel in the feelings of confidence and relief!)

I have exam group tomorrow - I don't like exam group. Its always cold in the building, and there are some very ancient people there. I suspect that Exam Group is some sort of temporal displacement anomaly. Once in it, you stay there for years - getting steadily older but imagining yourself a sprightly young trainee. You emerge at your CTA, take one look into a mirror and go shrieking over the horizon clutching at your wizened features. Sod exam group next year. I shall be looking for other ways of 'staying in training'- ways that are actually beneficial and far more enjoyable.

So there you go, one hell of a weekend. My little study has been a haven of academic endeavour and now I shall blow out my inspirational candle, crack open a bottle of cider and order a Rajma Dupiaza!

Ms Smug Madam checking in

2008-01-12T17:31:00.000Z

I just wrote an assignment in three hours. I did, I did, I did. Having moaned and struggled and grizzled about it for two months I just sat at the computer, lit my earth candle and got my bloody head down.

2,575 words in 3 hours. Not bad eh? I reckon all that thinking at the Moot this week got the brain desludged and ready to go.

It has given me hope for my dissertation, maybe I will get it done by the Summer if today's little performance is anything to go by.

I shall be closeted away tomorrow as well. Just got to reference today's work of art and science - (after all it is an MSc I will have after my name) and then I can look at the other one I HAVE to write before the end of Feb.

Just off for a luxurious bath as a reward for my efforts... ahhh and relax!

Dragons and Rings

2008-01-10T17:00:00.000Z

I went to the Moot in Nottingham last night. It was quite an effort, truth be told. Hard day at work, inappropriate clothing for a cold night in January and the team meeting got cancelled so I had to shiver in the car for a bit before setting off. I had some good old 'northern' fish and chips: Once you get south of Burton on Trent the fish and chip quality seems to plummet. No offence meant - just an observation - try to get a decent chippy in Birmingham you will see what I mean.

I got lost on the way too. Found myself heading out to Grantham - no idea how it happened but thankfully the Moot Chieftain guided me in on my mobile. Said Moot Chieftain had already got a cider waiting so perhaps the seminar that followed APPEARED to be better than it was, but then reality is all about personal perception.

Eeeee it was a goodun! Dragons and Rings, sacred geometry - ley lines, pythagorus, stone circles and a guy in a velvet coat (bonus).

SO now all you rational boys will be sucking your breath in through your teeth really sharply, but just hang on!! Bear in mind that Maxwell's 4 equations were actually 20 and the other 16 were slung out by the then rather blinkered establishment with vested interests to protect. Had they not, then our own definitions of the physical world and accepted scientific understanding would be very different.... and us wierdies would receive the acclaim and respect we deserve.

The sun is at the root of all major religious belief, whether the sun, or the son, L, El or Bel, ( a feminine derivative in language terms). Think about it! We all live in a matrix of energy - some just vibrates slower than others and forms solid touchable stuff. We also only define reality depending on our dimensional perception. The two dimensional world cannot perceive height or depth, yet it exists!

We had so much fun bending our minds around the concept of time, multidimensional physics and the way that experience, perception, intent and expectation creates reality. In fact I felt rather smug - waccy baccy quantum physics it may be - however we wiccans know the reality of it all. Science and controlled double blind trials only seek to keep us safe in our contained and sterile understanding of our dimension in time and space.

There is other stuff out there, not weird strange stuff but stuff that is as real in the science of that dimensional understanding as our E=mc2.

So, think large - allow your minds to expand out into infinite possibilities. I think therefore I am... what I think defines who I am. Think Free!

How do you all find the time to blog?

2008-01-07T17:10:00.000Z

I feel such an unworthy blogger. I never seem to get the time to do it properly. I have so many posts just sitting, unwritten in my head ... so many ideas, so many witty insights (I hope), earnest outpourings - so little time.

I promised that my next post would be 'What it means to be a witch' I have made the notes, have my draft but now want to explore the overlaps and similarities between being a psychotherapist and a witch. It involves some of the same concepts, certainly the same 'territory' of the psyche. Changing reality through conscious thought processes, trance and deep self (C0 ego state) are much the same. Its developing into more of a thesis than a blog. More 'Be Perfect' stuff from me - if its not super duper exceptional then why bother? Maybe I should stick with plan a.

However, my process around the up and coming post is identical to that which I generally do in life. I am sure, my fellow bloggers, you would prefer me to just put something up rather than nothing at all, but that would be too simple for my Passive Aggressive component. If I cannot struggle then, again, whats the point? So I automatically obey the 'don't succeed' injunction by ... well .... by not posting at all, which is why I am sitting here squirming in full confessional mode.

The ideas for posts currently squatting in my head are:- a post on my wonderful Yule tide presies - oh they were wonderful, thank you again to Pixie, Silent Observer and Bobo for you lovely gifts! Another one was on 'Life on Mars' - not a microbiology/astronomical musing but the FABULOUS TV series. I think I got to this one late. Its just so good! Is it me or are 70's fashions super sexy? Having spent at least 3 decades scorning big collars, flares, leather jackets and clumpy shoes I am NOW finding them just the best thing since (70's) sliced bread. I was only 5 when that particular decade began but I love it!

Oh yes, and another post I want to do. Give all of you a Lord of the Rings Race - rather like the Cheese blog (See archive) but designating each of you a Dwarf, Elf, Hobbit like class. Should be fun, there is certainly an Ent amongst you (soooo easy to guess that one), a couple of hobbits, at least three men, two dwarfs, three elves and a wizard or two. See, how it is, all these ideas and no 'completing or finishing'. Tut tut Vixen, tis very scripty.

I shall leave it at that and check out a few of your posts, I will return with more of my musings and the Witchy post which is far too worthy for its own good.

Root and Branch

2007-12-29T15:48:00.000Z

"Twisty old devil.
Looked as if it held a grudge in every scabby branch, and if you touched it there'd be sharp, pointy bits, like thorns. And it wouldn't give you any fruit, on principle, wassail or no wassail, because, left to rot, apple trees ...
...they grows resentful."

Isn't that just great? It sums up why I like the Pagan slant on things, it gives nature 'teeth', it restores power to living things and revives the sinister - creating a healthy respect for ecosystems. Wicca embraces the Shadow, light is not light without the dark, things have to decay so that life can be reborn. The Seasonal Dance embraces death as well as life, the Crone is as important as the Maiden, the Sage is as potent as the young Hunter.

I like the beauty of the sinister, the hidden creepiness behind nursery rhymes, the dark underbelly of fairy tales. The glorious artwork of Arthur Rackham is a personal favourite and encapsulates what I am talking about, it also brings me back to trees. Rackham's trees are utterly wonderful! As I look out of my living room window at the remnant of Bagott Wood striding across the skyline - stark, brooding and infinitely beautiful, I know that a million memories are stored amongst the roots, bark and branches. Oh how I wish there were Ents in the world! I love trees - one of the reasons paganism appeals - root and branch are part of the culture.

My next post will be, 'What it means to be a Witch!' Kahless requested this some time ago, and I am busy writing notes for you all. Plus there is Bobo's tag about music, (cough cough ... much shuffling embarrassment to come with that one).

Have a lovely evening, and while you are doing so, remember to embrace the shadow, make peace with the dark side, let what you no longer need fall to the forest floor and look forward to sunlight and joy in the new year.

Full Moon Magic

2007-12-24T13:55:00.000Z

Every full moon I draw my guides and symbols for the month. When the moon is full the tides of intuition and magick flow at their strongest. It is a time for searching the subconscious, bringing that which is known but unseen into conscious awareness.

Last night I stood outside in the crisp Winter air and allowed the silver light of the moon to bathe my skin. She was so bright - no other lights were needed, and living in the countryside as I do, the stars could be seen shining brightly in the dark, dark vault of heaven.

Then I slipped inside, cast a simple circle with a staff and silent salutation to the four quarters; then drew my symbols.

My Goddess for this lunar month is Nut - for those that read me regularly you will know that I see the Goddess as symbolic of the life force of the planet. The power of the atom manifest in nature. To paraphrase the wonderful Starhawk, you don't 'believe' in a rock, it just is; So it is with Goddess energy. Nut appeals to me, her energy is what I need at this present time - with dissertation looming and a full time job on the cards, as well as dealing with complex emotional issues - Nut is Goddess of Mystery.

Reach for me
touch me
I am always beyond your grasp
Don't try to figure me out
for you can't
I am the ever-present unfathomable unknown
I am the immensity of the star-filled sky
I am beyond human comprehension
In the vastness of my being
I am a mystery
even to myself

This is really relevent to me, the beauty and the power of the words have touched me; it could have been written about me - well the bits that do not tap into narcissistic goddess hood! I do feel as if I am a mystery even to myself. Maybe that is why I analyse others - it brings me closer to understanding me.

We all have mystery within us. How fabulous! The mystery of life and the beauty of the universe is what is missing in the depths of depression, and the nightmare of constant anxiety. Mystery always needs to be restored to tread the path to health and fully experience life.

I wish you all a restful and happy Christmas, a serene and successful New Year; most of all I wish you all a great big portion of magical, elusive, exciting and inspiring Mystery.

A Christmas Carol - therapy in action!

2007-12-23T10:36:00.000Z

Yesterday I did my huge pile of ironing. It had been slowly brooding in the corner of the Snug and I knew that it had to be tackled. I also knew it was a good opportunity to drink Snowballs and watch something super Christmasy.

I had wrapped the last of my presents - there were lots of them, they were all shiny and elegant, beribboned and under the tree, (a glorious solstice pine festooned with baubles and pretty things). So with the last of the preparations taken care of it was time to iron. Now I dont mind ironing - the rhythmic nature of it is soothing, the folding of clothes, the warm comforting sound of the steam. Baby Vix loves it when I iron - she curls up on the sofa and we watch something together.

Yesterday, in order to be suitably festive, we chose A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. It is utterly wonderful, and I highly recommend it; His one man show is even better so I have been told!

As I watched with all the usual emotion, I was aware of how this was a Script story for me. As a child I loved this tale, as an adult I am always struck by its genius and what a magnificent social commentary it was for its day. I used to read this story every Christmas as a kid - I was always going to wind up as a psychotherapist!!

What a tale of redemption, of change, of hope.

The ghost of Christmas Past deconfuses the Child, clarifies the impasse between Scrooges Be Strong parent driver behaviour and negative script messages inherited from a grief stricken father, dead mother and a host of schoolmasters, and his Child need to feel, to enjoy, to be important and to belong. The Ghost brilliantly enables Scrooge to do his Early Scene pieces.

The Ghost of Christmas Present continues the decontamination work of the Adult ego state, and enables Scrooge to receive good healthy Modelling of how to enjoy and to feel. He opens up the possibility of belonging by offering a reparitive parenting experience and a good healthy dose of reality testing.

The Ghost of Christmas Future confronts Scrooge's discounting (cathexis style for you TA people)he offers a projected outcome and the full horror that entails. He also employs a rather hypnotherapeutic style, taking Scrooge into the future, allowing him to anchor his redecision using negative reinforcement to drive home the necessity of change.

How marvelous it all is. Psycho babble (worthy therapy speak!)aside it is the most fabulous story. Every time Scrooge laughs for the first time following his salvation, the hairs stand up on my arms. I always want to dance around with joy when he embraces life, the season and himself for the first time in many years. I love it when he turns up at his nephews house, and experiences acceptance and reconciliation... and when Bob Cratchett gets his wage rise, well - I usually burst into a spontaneous round of applause.

I am a natural Saviour, not always a bad thing - has to be controlled to give space for others to make their journey in and with their own strength, but oh how I love to facilitate and witness that process, and jump for joy when the beauty of the soul emerges and decides to live!

"It was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!"

Almost Yule

2007-12-20T21:48:00.000Z

The end of the year - and the beginning of a new one always inspires me to make changes, set goals, do things differently. Its a natural process that most of us go through. Gyms and slimming clubs brace themselves for the January rush, journals get kept religiously, and all sorts of fresh starts burst out of us as we seek to change!

This next year I am going to set a few goals - just a few as opposed to the 30 I set myself last year.

I am going to write my dissertation.
I am going to get a counselling job, as opposed to self employed insecurity.
I am going to acheive an ideal weight of 10 stone 2 lbs.
I am going to become more active spiritually - observe the festivals and moons, preferably in a new group
I am going to maintain and deepen my friendships

That will do for now.

I am also going to write more on my blog - use this space as an online Book of Shadows and share my enthusiasm for wicca,female energy and divinity,celebrating the masculine too!

I have been through a difficult time. Its been a rich learning process. This year I want to sparkle!

Very quick quickie

2007-12-03T21:59:00.000Z

Pixie's party was fab. I shall put up a proper post tomorrow, yule tide preparations and the growing pile of admin not withstanding.

Recently I have not had the energy or inclination to blog. Tooooo many domestic issues, and the fear that blogs allow free expression of thoughts and feelings that can change, that are a progression to an end point. Unfortunately that process can lead others to draw false conclusions, or become afraid or suspicious or just feel frightened that there is this whole world out there that seems dazzling when in fact its just people writing about the stuff going on in their lives.

So I have been withdrawn, a hermit phase which I am ready to emerge from.

Love you all - in the way that one can love the object of internal projection without external reality checking, although that does not apply to the 1,2,3,4 ... 5,6 that I do know face to face. Love you lot too :o)

Its Friday night .... on the sofa

2007-11-02T21:56:00.000Z

Hello everyone - its the start of the weekend, yay!

Got nothing much to say so I will just write some random stuff. I am in good spirits having consumed a pint of 'loverly cider' and half a bottle of very very good white wine. The new Eagles CD is on the stereo, I like the Eagles - I went to see them in concert this Summer. At least I think it was this year, the whole year seems to have been a blur. But anyway they were fantastic, they still got it even though they are ancient! The latest CD is as good as anything they have ever done. Which brings me to the meme tag administered by Bobo - I have not forgotten oh Mighty one - I have been planning it and will get my finger out over the weekend.

Tonight me, Mr Vix and Baby Vix (14 and red hot!) were watching Frasier. An absolute favourite (reminiscent of the Mighty Bobo mentioned above) and in the episode we were watching there was an altercation between Niles and Frasier about sibling rivalry. I exclaimed to Mr Vix (both of us being first born) that I could not be the youngest, absolutely not .... Baby Vix cleared her throat and gave me one of those fabulous disapproving looks that only offspring can reproduce; she being the youngest. It was priceless .... still laughing about it.

Oh yes, and I am officially a pervert .... having observed Baby Vix flirting outrageously with the lad down the road I observed that he was very broad, very fit and hell, very young!!!! She was outraged and is now seriously worried about my attendance at the village bonfire tomorrow. (BBY VIX NOW! SHE IS CONSTANTLY TLKING ABOUT HIM!!!! and how she ses she can get him in a flash if she cliks her fingers! I'M VERY CONCERNED LOL!! AND VVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY embarrassed!!!!! lol!)

So I think I should sign off now, hanging my over 40 year old head in shame and leave you to enjoy the samhain pics - hope you are all feeling wonderful!!!

Samhain is a coming

2007-10-29T18:56:00.000Z

After the most torrid and shitty weekend I am feeling a bit more bouncy today. Bouncy is good! I have to go out in about ten minutes to do my last evenings work at the Day Spa I 'used' to work at. My new NHS contract meant it was no longer viable. As I sit here now I really wish I had been a bit more ruthless with my notice period. Hard day at the surgery does not make for the freshest of minds, especially with an hours drive there and back, but never the less it has to be done.

Thought I would leave you all a quick post before I go because it is Samhain on Wednesday. As part of my build up to the big day I have been burning a particularly lovely incense from Star Child and thought I would share the write up with you, to give you all a flavour of what is happening at this point in the turning year ...

The leaves are falling and the life force is in obvious retreat. Nature is preparing for its winter sleep. The Sun God is dead and the Earth Goddess is mourning. But in the hidden depth of the earth, death works its alchemy of transformation. Imperceptibly it decomposes and regenerates so that the litter of leaves and debris become the fertile ground that will nourish next year's growth. The veils between the worlds are thin at this time of the year and life and death are but opposite poles of the same continuously regenerating energy.

Samhain is a time to honour the dead and to contemplate the mysteries of life, death and regeneration. It is a time to turn inwards and in the depth and silence of our souls we confront our shadows and our own mortality.

So there you have it, couldn't have put it better myself (well a bit of that is actually me). In alchemical terms it is a festival of water and earth. Psychic powers, imagination, emotion, wisdom and love blend with practicality, sensuality, prosperity and the material world.

Any divination done on the night will be especially powerful, so get the tools of your choice out and see what the year ahead holds.

I will be spending Samhain out with Pixie, and will be holding my own celebration the following day. My witchletts are not able to meet merrily on the night but we will make up for it at Yule.

Blessed Be!

Horrid Feelings

2007-10-25T15:58:00.000+01:00

I am having a painful feelings day today. Its ironic that I work with intense emotion every day in my job; I soothe, help, witness, account for and accept feelings that my clients experience, yet when it comes to my own I honestly believe that I can put them in nice neat little boxes and move on as if nothing has happened.

I learned to put my feelings away when I moved house at 8 years old and left all my friends behind. I was not allowed to cry because then Dad would feel bad about moving the family from relative security to a ramshackle old dump of a place with no toilet. When I got bullied at my new school I was not allowed to even admit it because Dad would feel bad ....etc etc So I really did get very strong and self contained.

When I got to 14 and defied my mother in my choice of 'boyfriend' I was subjected to 6 years of intense emotional and physical cruelty. I could not cry, I just got on with life. It really was terrible to be placed outside the normal activities of my family and be punished everyday, often physically attacked, without being able to leave. I got very very strong and self contained. I was resigned to it all - and fiercely defiant.

When my life unravelled mid thirties I went for every medical test known to man. 'I must have a brain tumour, or a degenerative neurological disorder, I must be ill'. I never 'felt' anything I just could not function. It was only when I was diagnosed with chronic depression that I started to account for it all. Yet I am not really sure that I am comfortable with my own feelings, even now.

I run from it. I run constantly - I am the worlds best at partying in order to hide the pain. I don't do it deliberately its just that I survived by doing this and it is my default setting.

So now when I begin to feel - it always hits me like a train. What?!! What the hell is this that's going on - why isn't this in my nice little storage system. So today, I am sitting with my feelings and its shit! I WILL feel better tomorrow. In the mean time its an education.

Back on the Running Machine

2007-10-23T22:11:00.000+01:00

I woke up full of the joys this morning. Feel rather jaded this evening after clients and supervision - especially as I wrestled with my 7.30 till she got to the emotion she had been suppressing for absolutely ages. Phew! I felt like a midwife. Lots of pain and struggle, but such a relief when it was over.

I had breaky by candle light. Porridge with chopped banana - and in between clients I got back to my running. Having been a poorly Queenie, the running has taken a back seat. Oh it was sooooo good. To feel my muscles working hard, to sweat - to feel the cold air on my skin. I am really beginning to appreciate my body. (I tend to live in my head). I cant wait to get back in there, in the garage - yes, I run amongst the collection of weelie bins, yes I am in between the garden furniture and the lawnmower, and yes it can be bloody cold in the Winter - but when Metallica is blasting out of the (rather cleverly rigged up) DVD and big screen, and my feet are pounding the rubber - I am really in the moment, alive and vital!

The pleasures of the body seems to be such a new discovery for me (apart from the obvious ;o) and I am booked in on a body therapy marathon in November too; a bit of a theme. Maybe it has something to do with Earth energy about to arrive. Time to enjoy the sensuous pleasures we all have at our finger tips .... literally!

Nice to Know

2007-10-23T22:09:00.000+01:00

You Are the Ego

You take a balanced approach to your life.
You definitely aren't afraid to act out on your desires - even crazy ones.
But you usually think first. Morals drive you as much as hedonism does.
You've been able to live a life of pleasure... without living a life of excess.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

Life really is too short for misery ...

2007-10-22T19:30:00.000+01:00

I have been feeling pretty bad lately. Felt really bad over the weekend, that horrid depressed bad where everything is just too much of an effort. I have been adapting heavily lately too - lost myself somewhere and have been whirling round in confusion.

Last night I had a dream. Two dreams. One was set in a very snowy landscape, all dark ice and about 5 minutes survival time if you stepped out of the insulated pods we humans were using to navigate the ice. There were monsters on the ice. Savage machine like beasts that sought to extinguish all life and heat. My pod had malfunctioned and another had gone over in some kind of accident. Me and the driver of the other were only feet away from each other, we stared out of our portholes transfixed with terror and we both knew that a monster was coming. I was terrified. Suddenly there it was - all machine and robotic logic, huge pincer claws and blades. It went for the other pod. The ferocity of the attack meant that my pod skidded across the ice and into safety behind the security fence. I watched with relief and horror as my colleague was torn apart.

The second was indoors, still on the ice but in safety and warmth. I was in a room with Stephen Fry. I was trying to get a pair of tights off (grizzly things I know but the only choice with a mini skirt) and they were all twisted up with my knickers. I was expending a lot of energy trying to be discreet. In the end I asked Stephen to avert his gaze. He looked me in the eye and said, "My dear - if you were stark naked I still would not be bothered one jot. Get your bloody knickers sorted and stop worrying about me." I whipped them off - not a care in the world - sorted myself out and then we both had a cup of tea.

When I woke up I realised that it was time to stop being depressed, stop being low and sad. It was time to re engage with my personality. To start to smile and laugh and have fun. It was time to shake my booty - live and love! Its so easy to get bogged down with misery, to be so stuck in bad things; the negatives and when we do we can lose sight of the wonder of life. To be able to breathe, to taste, to feel the air on our faces. To dance - and I have danced tonight and it felt wonderful. I am always encouraging my clients, my family, my friends and all those fabulous people that are close to me that JOY is so important! Time to be joyful myself. We all are alive, sentient, sensuous, incredible - capable of so much. Lets celebrate!

And ....Relax

2007-10-21T15:19:00.000+01:00

Well thanks to Kahless I think the little security breach is sorted. Phew! I can breathe easy again - although I am aware you all know where I live now and that I can look smart and professional as opposed to slightly mad with an eclectic dress sense.

I am having a chill today - went out to the new Westfield shopping centre in Derby today. It was fab! I am not one for shopping but the scale and energy of the place was super. With Christmas coming up - I can see a few days being pencilled in for shopping and wandering and sampling the variety of foods in the food hall.

Still not dieting and managing to losing weight! Wish I had worked out sooner that an almond croissant for breakfast is absolutely fine as long as its every so often and does not require a three week deprivation regime to make up for it. The little brown shoes will be mine in a week I reckon and I will post a pick of them to amuse you.

They Lost!

2007-10-20T23:00:00.000+01:00

Just watched the rugby. We was robbed! What amused me the most was how Gordon Brown was recieved by the England team. Short shrift or what? hehehe I have a deep mistrust of politicians. Manipulating weasels most of them. What a photo opportunity eh?

Good grief - old 'no bottle' Gorden almost fell at Wilkinsons feet, Jonny was having none of it - this was not about spin, but about sport. Is everyone as jaded and cynical as I am about politicians? Well done Wilko for avoiding the attempted conversion by old 'have I got a back bone' Brown.

Anyway - enough of politics! I seem to have a security issue on my blog. Are all of you good people getting my email address when you leave comments? Of course you can then google me - and there I will be, identity - what I look like (although you already recognise the bag lady) but more importantly my telephone number, address etc I have nothing to hide but part of the blog is about having an alter ego. Seems like mine just got shattered. No worries eh? I am happy to be me - warts and all.

Feeling Tired

2007-10-19T21:51:00.000+01:00

Hi Guys

Thought I would check in and say hello. I know I have been awfully quiet but I had my busiest week to date this week. Being self employed means that I take work where I can and this week I was fully booked. Had to put three clients on hold till next week. That means that my blogging has been a bit scanty - maybe if I post a small one everyday I will get back into the swing of things.

I have so much I really do want to blog about. Got all my weirdy news to tell you about, quotes from Pagan Dawn and insights into being a Witchy Woman. Samhain is coming up (Halloween) and I want to do it in style this year. Last year I had my naming ceremony and initiation into the witchletts coven. That was lovely but this year my witchletts are not doing anything - one is in America and the other cant get a sitter, so I am a bit stuck. I will end up doing a solitary ritual I expect and waiting to pounce on any trick or treaters in full regalia - tends to scare them somewhat.

I want to write a few more little quickies full of wit and insight (ho ho ho - not that I take myself seriously at all) and just generally get back into stuff. Plus I have the meme about music - Bobo has tagged me to write about my musical taste. In starting the think about it I realise with horror that I AM STUCK IN A TIME WARP! Its going to be humiliating.

Its the rugby tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it! Going to cook a creamy chicken curry - marinated with almonds and cream, and have the bubbly chilling. Even if they lose we can toast the exceptional performance.

I so need a party!

I passed!!!!!

2007-10-16T17:14:00.000+01:00

I passed my exam on Saturday. Not with the flying colours I had hoped for, but I did get 90% which isn't bad. (Not that there is any 'Be Perfect' behaviour going on, oh no no no). But I do tend to focus on the 10% that I dropped as opposed to the 90% I gained.

So to rectify that I am going to celebrate - I passed, I got 90%, I did really well - I took a complex piece of work to exam; No easy peasy counselling skills for me. it was tough, deep and intuitive work and I was bloody brilliant. Pats on my back - champagne all round.

I am now - Queen Vixen Dip Couns with a BACP Accreditation pending. Woo hoo!!!!!

In 18 months I will be Queen Vixen MSc, CTA, Dip Couns and UKCP Accredited.

(Not that there is any hint of an Almost Type II Script in that little statement - oh no no no).

I am so guilty of striving for the next mountain peak so I am going to stop here for a while - on the summit of my Post Graduate Clinical Diploma and breathe in the air of success.

Well done me!

I am the High Priestess

2007-10-11T20:39:00.000+01:00

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Book Tag administered by L-Q-S

2007-10-11T17:03:00.000+01:00

L-q-s has tagged me to write about my books. L-q-s is a woman for whom I have the utmost respect and who writes a fabulous blog - go check it out! She is on my Blog Roll.

So here are the answers to her questions:

TOTAL NUMBER OF BOOKS: Well I have owned thousands in my time. However, storage is always the problem. I came from a family who love books - we did not have a telly for ages and we all became avid readers. My current family don't read at all, I am the only book worm so its my books that have to be accommodated, therefore I run a tight ship on what books get displayed in the book cases - of which I have two. I have one in my bedroom - mine, all mine which must hold - ermmm let me have a quick look, 200 and one in my therapy room which has about 50 in it. I also have a pile of about ten current ones on my bedside table. I operate an efficient rotation system so books will go into storage - there are books in the garage and in the attic.

LAST BOOK READ: Now this is a moot point! I always have about 5 on the go - so its hard to pin down the one that was last read. I think if we are talking cover to cover all the way through in one go then it was Kate West: The Real Witches Handbook, I devoured this on holiday - super beach reading material. However before that it was Starhawk: The Spiral Dance, more witchy themes but less of a 101 approach.

LAST BOOK BOUGHT: I bought 4 books last time I had a spree. I am reading them all simultaneously;

The Gift of Therapy: Irvin D Yalom
Advanced Witchcraft: Edain McCoy
My Voice Will Go With You: Milton Erikson
Emotional Intelligence: Daniel Goleman

I also purchased a DSMIV for my practice. Bit of a yawn but it looks professional.

5 MEANINGFUL BOOKS: Oooh what a question! There have been so many, and as I write i am aware of how sketchy I am being. I think its the cold, its hard to be inspirational when snuffling into Olbas Vapour Release tissues, but here goes.

Women that Run with the Wolves: Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Get this book! I have read and re read this book! It analyses fairy tales, and folk tales to see what the message is for women, primarily, but also for men that wish to connect to their 'Wild Nature'. It is an emotionally powerful book, and explores the way that the dried out dead nature of women, dulled by too much constraint and duty can be sung back into life. It shows how our nature needs to become wolf like and alive. In the following passage, it is La Loba - the eternal spirit of the soul of women that does the singing.

"And when she is sure, she stand above the creature, raises her arms over it and sings out. That is when the rib bones and leg bones of the wolf begin to flesh out and the creature becomes furred. la Loba sings some more, and more of the creature comes into being; its tail curls upward, shaggy and strong.
And La Loba sings more and the wolf creature begins to breathe.
And still la Loba sings so deeply that the floor of the desert shakes, and as she sings, the wolf opens its eyes, leaps up, and runs away down the canyon.

Somewhere in the running, whether by the speed of its running, or by splashing its way into a river, or by way of a ray of sunlight or moonlight hitting it right in the side, the work is suddenly transformed into a laughing woman who runs free toward the horizon."

Any woman who has raised children, and done what society and family expected of her and has fought for her life will know what this means. It gets me every time!

Lord of the Rings: JRR Tolkien

THE book of the 20th Century. Pulls up all kinds of symbolic stuff and metaphor that is buried in race memory. Archetypal story of good and evil. Profound! What would we pagans do without it. Half our ritual names and moot labels would disappear for start off!

I mentioned Ludo and the Star Horse by Mary Stewart in another tag post so I wont do that again. But that one is incredibly meaningful for me.

Hedgewitch: Rae Beth

The first real witchy book I read. I used to try and contain my interest in alternative spirituality. After all Witchcraft is condemned in the Bible (in fact what gets practiced today in modern Wicca is a million miles away from the biblical definition which involves the making of medicinal remedies and consulting with the dead - a clairvoyant GP is probably as near as you can get to the biblical definition). So for years I sneaked around and did nothing about my very obvious leanings, and the inner drive towards discovering who I was. This book was the first mainstream volume that got bought for me as a Christmas present. It was my 'come out of the broom closet' book and therefore significant.

The Bible: God

Has been ever present in my life. I was born into a deeply religious family and I used to know most of it off by heart - can still quote a lot from memory. Majorly influential. The most amazing literary phenomenon and I still believe it is a revelation of divine concepts. I think it is not as literally true as the fundamentalists would have us believe but it contains profound truth, and prophecy.

Lords and Ladies: Terry Pratchett

Had to give old Tel a mention. This one is my particular favourite but they all have merit. Witty, clever, sharp - great fun, and in fact something I need to read again. I have got rather bogged down with 'worthy' volumes and a bit of Discworld frivolity would do me good!

(Celestine Prophecy of course - James Redfield, I know I have now quoted 7 but this one has to get a mention - it sort of changed my life, its an enzyme, not quite sure how it does it but it continues to change people).

So there you have it, the best I can manage with such a cold. Sorry for having no hyperlinks but I just feel too damn poorly to be fiddling about copying and pasting. I need to lie down!

I am a poorly Queenie

2007-10-11T16:25:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone. I am sitting up in bed and tapping away at my lap top, I have a really bad cold. I am tempted to refer to it as flu - or man flu even, it feels worse than a cold and not as bad as flu. I have hurty ears and throat, a blocked up nose, I ache all over and am having sweats and shivers.

I rarely get a cold - too many curries! But this one has come out of nowhere and when that happens I tend to look for the emotional causes. I get colds when I let something go - and the big candidates (culprits) at the moment are the exam stuff (its far too late to worry about it now) and the diet stuff! My hunch is the diet stuff. I have been dieting since I was 14 and for the first time I am free of it. As reported I am feeling no urge to sneak a treat, or over eat - I am planning and enjoying modest healthy meals and I was (until the lurgy struck) running everyday.

So what does my body decide to do? - get sick! That puts a stop to the running, it means cooking and good food husbandry takes a back seat (actual husband having to do the food which usually means take aways and pizza) and it bungs me up with lemsip and the like. Sooooo a Type 3 somatic impasse! Oh no no Queenie, we cannot have you give up on feeling bad about yourself, your body and the very thing that allows existence. All the family diet - food is a problem, your father has struggled with his weight all his life, so did his family, you cannot break ranks now, you have to carry on (whisper whisper of the nasty little subconscious messages) Well up yours! No, I have had enough and don't need to buy into this rubbish. You can throw as many colds as you like at me and I shant give in. I will be running as soon as the sniffles have passed and actually i am not eating a thing to help my immune system (nar nar ne nar nah).

So those are my thoughts on the bolt from the blue cold - of course if it is the exam stuff then it could be a Type 2 impasse surrounding the 'don't succeed' injunction laid down by generations of losers, wasters and lazy sods who lie in bed all day and bemoan their fate, or the equally scary ranks of po faced women who surrender their power to care for their husbands and work hard in the church, opting for poverty AND chastity (only the rare woman in my family has the curse - ie high sex drive, yep it was me this time around). So another finger elevated in the direction of the family script. You wont stop me passing that exam so put it in your pipe and smoke it, and go get a. a job b. a damn good s**g

So there you have it, as you can see I am still revising! lol May do the book meme next. I have time on my hands!

PS For the first time ever I am enjoying being ill. Shhh don't tell anyone. I have slept and snuggled in bed all day. Its been ace. Apart from the self employed implications its been super being warm, cosy and plied with echhinachia (spelt incorrectly) tea.

Another Quickie

2007-10-07T19:45:00.000+01:00

Hello all you lovely bloggers. I have 15 mins before the rugby so am squeezing in a quick post. Wasn't the match great yesterday? There I was, anticipating defeat and England pulled it out of the bag - or scrum I should say. I am rather fond of rugby, I like the way it utilises men of all different shapes and sizes. The skinny whippet like chaps as well as the huge beasts of men. All work together in a real mans game; blooded, bruised and sweating. Its rather primitive but who cares, helps the ironing to pass with relative ease.

Talking about different shapes and sizes. I have stopped dieting FOREVER! I realised what a farce it was for me. What a performance! The same old pattern of setting myself up with unobtainable goals, a massive parent structure for me to rebel against (spectacularly) and bloody expensive. So after spending my last £10 on a syn calculator and parting with £4.50 to be told I had only lost half a pound I decided enough is enough.

Truth be told I was feeling something of a hypocrite. I rabbit on about the evils of Size Zero and celebrating real women's shapes and there I was eating fat free yogurt (an evil brew) and almost weeping at the thought of denying myself fish and chips. So I have kicked it out and its never going to return. Instead I am going to make big grown up adult choices to eat healthily and exercise sensibly. Hey presto! Does not take a brain surgeon eh? I know how to eat a healthy diet, I know that I feel better when I am running regularly - I know that drinking is best reserved for a Saturday night when I can feel sluggish without guilt the next day.

So how do I feel? Great! No more being deprived, feeling cheated, feeling starved and sneaking stuff into my mouth when I think no one is looking. Since I started being a grown up about it and celebrating my body - (which is actually awesome, narcissistic confidence maybe but I have been told so too) - I have lost 3lbs. Wey hey! All I have done is decide to chew really slowly and eat smaller portions with lots of fresh fruit and veg. I can have treats but only bits of them, so I get the taste and not the damage. I am all of a sudden TAKING RESPONSIBILITY instead of setting up some crap unobtainable target so that I can feel a failure all the time. I do intend to be under 11 stone at the blog party - just by being sensible, I am tall so can carry it off. My ultimate target is 10 stone 5 - really do-able, and I shall buy myself shoes and stuff along the way. Alternative treats that last!

The matrix leather coat remains the ultimate reward, but I shall allow myself the discreet tattoo before that. Oh and the new shoes, boots and the joy of having my colours done! If this seems a bit indulgent then I must explain that two things were missing in my childhood. Food (Dad ate it all, or we had none - long story) and clothes (charity shops and hand me downs all the way). So if my kid has grown up at last with regard to food then maybe she can still have a fling with the clothes, accessories and pretty, girlie things.

OK, so its about to start - just going to have a dish of pineapple, grapes and mango. Mmmmmm good food for a goddess body, good health and the reward of those gorgeous little high heels!

Avalon

2007-10-02T19:30:00.000+01:00

Not last weekend but the weekend before I went to Glastonbury. It was wonderful to spend some time in that magical place; to attach to the legends of Avalon.

I did some real shopping. I am not one for shopping usually. I tend to buy all that I can on the Internet and only go round actual shops when I have to. Glastonbury is different, the energy of the place is different, the shops are not high street clones but real shops. The sort of shops there used to be; the kind that you almost expect to 'up and fly' to somewhere else while you are browsing round the shelves, or to have a secret portal in the changing room. I had a whale of a time. I bought a new dress, lot of books and bits! In fact I am going to return before Yule to do some more shopping, this time for friends.

I just love StarChild. I love the smell - it is jam packed with resins and incense, candles and the most exquisite goddess figurines. They have tree essences and herbal smokes, big bell jars full of potions, remedies and proper old fashioned herbs in wooden drawers. It is a delight.

I also tried the Speaking Tree - which came highly recommended by Exmoor Jane. Well! Heaven or what! The place groans under the weight of esoteric and spiritual books,stacked as high as the ceiling, all reasonably priced and offering a galaxy of undiscovered worlds.

Green Man and Goddess was up to its usual standard as was the Magick Box and I was a very happy wierdy woman by the end of the trip. Glastonbury is the place to be a woman. There were women everywhere and it felt good. Now as you know, dear readers, I like my men - but there was something amazing about being in Avalon, a place where Goddess is revered and very much alive.

I went to the Goddess Temple, it sounds very grand - in reality it is a small upper storey room, modestly furnished but it is a place of very real femininity and in that is real power. The walls are adorned with art that represents female beauty - real women, not stick thin poor wasting waifs adapting to the expectations of the fashion industry, but big women with bellies and breasts. Young women, old women, all shapes and sizes and colours. It is a truly wonderful place to be. At the one end there is the altar to the Goddess and those that choose to spend time in that place do so in silence, with respect.

It is tranquil - serene - liberating. No men to tell us what we should be doing or thinking, no great male God telling us our bodies are sinful and we are the devil incarnate, no one interpreting or reframing anything! It is a place to be; without any external trappings. I went in twice. Both times, once I had sat down in that space, I needed to cry. I could feel the deep primal wounding rising uncontrollably - the wounding of constraint and control - but here it had no power and in that space I wanted to sob and sob until all the tears were shed. Then to be at peace, in that female place. No sin, no judgement, no pressure. It was beautiful and peaceful.

I mused on how I wished the old stories of Avalon were true. I wanted to know it was all real, historical, scientific fact; The mystic isle that was the centre of Goddess worship, that slipped out of synch with reality when the Christians came and disappeared into the mists. I so wanted it to be fact, to know that the priestesses had once wound their way up the Tor in ritual, or that the Lady of the Lake did indeed part the mists with the ancient incantations. Then it struck me, if the historical facts did not bear this out then the collective attachment to the legend of all those that passed through this beloved place made it real - in the imagination, on the astral plane - call it what you will. The legend, the place - was an archetype for the reality, the symbolic representation of a Goddess place, a place where women were not enslaved. I breathed a deep sigh and fell still - content.

Every woman needs to visit - and celebrate!

PS: I am really pushed for time, with my exam coming up - I am so appreciating all your comments, and I will be reading and commenting on all your blogs soon. Hugs.

Just a quickie

2007-09-24T15:26:00.000+01:00

I went to Glastonbury at the weekend, it was Autumn Equinox as you know, and I celebrated atop the Tor. It was wonderful.

Without placing a millstone around my neck I am going to post about the Goddess Experience next. I want to account for my feelings in Avalon. Not much chance of that going up before thursday but I will do my best.

I would take every anorexic, bullimic young girl who is tied up with the utter crap that gets peddled in the media about feminine beauty, and take them to the Goddess Temple in Glastonbury. Take them to sit among all the icons of real female beauty; full breasts, rounded bellies, welcoming thighs: And throw all that size zero nonsense in the garbage where it belongs. So so good to be surrounded by real femininity where we as women are encouraged to take our place in the World instead of wasting away to nothing.

Coming soon!