Monday, October 29, 2007

Samhain is a coming

After the most torrid and shitty weekend I am feeling a bit more bouncy today. Bouncy is good! I have to go out in about ten minutes to do my last evenings work at the Day Spa I 'used' to work at. My new NHS contract meant it was no longer viable. As I sit here now I really wish I had been a bit more ruthless with my notice period. Hard day at the surgery does not make for the freshest of minds, especially with an hours drive there and back, but never the less it has to be done.

Thought I would leave you all a quick post before I go because it is Samhain on Wednesday. As part of my build up to the big day I have been burning a particularly lovely incense from Star Child and thought I would share the write up with you, to give you all a flavour of what is happening at this point in the turning year ...

The leaves are falling and the life force is in obvious retreat. Nature is preparing for its winter sleep. The Sun God is dead and the Earth Goddess is mourning. But in the hidden depth of the earth, death works its alchemy of transformation. Imperceptibly it decomposes and regenerates so that the litter of leaves and debris become the fertile ground that will nourish next year's growth. The veils between the worlds are thin at this time of the year and life and death are but opposite poles of the same continuously regenerating energy.

Samhain is a time to honour the dead and to contemplate the mysteries of life, death and regeneration. It is a time to turn inwards and in the depth and silence of our souls we confront our shadows and our own mortality.

So there you have it, couldn't have put it better myself (well a bit of that is actually me). In alchemical terms it is a festival of water and earth. Psychic powers, imagination, emotion, wisdom and love blend with practicality, sensuality, prosperity and the material world.

Any divination done on the night will be especially powerful, so get the tools of your choice out and see what the year ahead holds.

I will be spending Samhain out with Pixie, and will be holding my own celebration the following day. My witchletts are not able to meet merrily on the night but we will make up for it at Yule.

Blessed Be!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Horrid Feelings

I am having a painful feelings day today. Its ironic that I work with intense emotion every day in my job; I soothe, help, witness, account for and accept feelings that my clients experience, yet when it comes to my own I honestly believe that I can put them in nice neat little boxes and move on as if nothing has happened.

I learned to put my feelings away when I moved house at 8 years old and left all my friends behind. I was not allowed to cry because then Dad would feel bad about moving the family from relative security to a ramshackle old dump of a place with no toilet. When I got bullied at my new school I was not allowed to even admit it because Dad would feel bad ....etc etc So I really did get very strong and self contained.

When I got to 14 and defied my mother in my choice of 'boyfriend' I was subjected to 6 years of intense emotional and physical cruelty. I could not cry, I just got on with life. It really was terrible to be placed outside the normal activities of my family and be punished everyday, often physically attacked, without being able to leave. I got very very strong and self contained. I was resigned to it all - and fiercely defiant.

When my life unravelled mid thirties I went for every medical test known to man. 'I must have a brain tumour, or a degenerative neurological disorder, I must be ill'. I never 'felt' anything I just could not function. It was only when I was diagnosed with chronic depression that I started to account for it all. Yet I am not really sure that I am comfortable with my own feelings, even now.

I run from it. I run constantly - I am the worlds best at partying in order to hide the pain. I don't do it deliberately its just that I survived by doing this and it is my default setting.

So now when I begin to feel - it always hits me like a train. What?!! What the hell is this that's going on - why isn't this in my nice little storage system. So today, I am sitting with my feelings and its shit! I WILL feel better tomorrow. In the mean time its an education.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Back on the Running Machine

I woke up full of the joys this morning. Feel rather jaded this evening after clients and supervision - especially as I wrestled with my 7.30 till she got to the emotion she had been suppressing for absolutely ages. Phew! I felt like a midwife. Lots of pain and struggle, but such a relief when it was over.

I had breaky by candle light. Porridge with chopped banana - and in between clients I got back to my running. Having been a poorly Queenie, the running has taken a back seat. Oh it was sooooo good. To feel my muscles working hard, to sweat - to feel the cold air on my skin. I am really beginning to appreciate my body. (I tend to live in my head). I cant wait to get back in there, in the garage - yes, I run amongst the collection of weelie bins, yes I am in between the garden furniture and the lawnmower, and yes it can be bloody cold in the Winter - but when Metallica is blasting out of the (rather cleverly rigged up) DVD and big screen, and my feet are pounding the rubber - I am really in the moment, alive and vital!

The pleasures of the body seems to be such a new discovery for me (apart from the obvious ;o) and I am booked in on a body therapy marathon in November too; a bit of a theme. Maybe it has something to do with Earth energy about to arrive. Time to enjoy the sensuous pleasures we all have at our finger tips .... literally!

Nice to Know

You Are the Ego

You take a balanced approach to your life.
You definitely aren't afraid to act out on your desires - even crazy ones.
But you usually think first. Morals drive you as much as hedonism does.
You've been able to live a life of pleasure... without living a life of excess.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Life really is too short for misery ...

I have been feeling pretty bad lately. Felt really bad over the weekend, that horrid depressed bad where everything is just too much of an effort. I have been adapting heavily lately too - lost myself somewhere and have been whirling round in confusion.

Last night I had a dream. Two dreams. One was set in a very snowy landscape, all dark ice and about 5 minutes survival time if you stepped out of the insulated pods we humans were using to navigate the ice. There were monsters on the ice. Savage machine like beasts that sought to extinguish all life and heat. My pod had malfunctioned and another had gone over in some kind of accident. Me and the driver of the other were only feet away from each other, we stared out of our portholes transfixed with terror and we both knew that a monster was coming. I was terrified. Suddenly there it was - all machine and robotic logic, huge pincer claws and blades. It went for the other pod. The ferocity of the attack meant that my pod skidded across the ice and into safety behind the security fence. I watched with relief and horror as my colleague was torn apart.

The second was indoors, still on the ice but in safety and warmth. I was in a room with Stephen Fry. I was trying to get a pair of tights off (grizzly things I know but the only choice with a mini skirt) and they were all twisted up with my knickers. I was expending a lot of energy trying to be discreet. In the end I asked Stephen to avert his gaze. He looked me in the eye and said, "My dear - if you were stark naked I still would not be bothered one jot. Get your bloody knickers sorted and stop worrying about me." I whipped them off - not a care in the world - sorted myself out and then we both had a cup of tea.

When I woke up I realised that it was time to stop being depressed, stop being low and sad. It was time to re engage with my personality. To start to smile and laugh and have fun. It was time to shake my booty - live and love! Its so easy to get bogged down with misery, to be so stuck in bad things; the negatives and when we do we can lose sight of the wonder of life. To be able to breathe, to taste, to feel the air on our faces. To dance - and I have danced tonight and it felt wonderful. I am always encouraging my clients, my family, my friends and all those fabulous people that are close to me that JOY is so important! Time to be joyful myself. We all are alive, sentient, sensuous, incredible - capable of so much. Lets celebrate!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

And ....Relax

Well thanks to Kahless I think the little security breach is sorted. Phew! I can breathe easy again - although I am aware you all know where I live now and that I can look smart and professional as opposed to slightly mad with an eclectic dress sense.

I am having a chill today - went out to the new Westfield shopping centre in Derby today. It was fab! I am not one for shopping but the scale and energy of the place was super. With Christmas coming up - I can see a few days being pencilled in for shopping and wandering and sampling the variety of foods in the food hall.

Still not dieting and managing to losing weight! Wish I had worked out sooner that an almond croissant for breakfast is absolutely fine as long as its every so often and does not require a three week deprivation regime to make up for it. The little brown shoes will be mine in a week I reckon and I will post a pick of them to amuse you.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

They Lost!

Just watched the rugby. We was robbed! What amused me the most was how Gordon Brown was recieved by the England team. Short shrift or what? hehehe I have a deep mistrust of politicians. Manipulating weasels most of them. What a photo opportunity eh?

Good grief - old 'no bottle' Gorden almost fell at Wilkinsons feet, Jonny was having none of it - this was not about spin, but about sport. Is everyone as jaded and cynical as I am about politicians? Well done Wilko for avoiding the attempted conversion by old 'have I got a back bone' Brown.

Anyway - enough of politics! I seem to have a security issue on my blog. Are all of you good people getting my email address when you leave comments? Of course you can then google me - and there I will be, identity - what I look like (although you already recognise the bag lady) but more importantly my telephone number, address etc I have nothing to hide but part of the blog is about having an alter ego. Seems like mine just got shattered. No worries eh? I am happy to be me - warts and all.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Feeling Tired

Hi Guys

Thought I would check in and say hello. I know I have been awfully quiet but I had my busiest week to date this week. Being self employed means that I take work where I can and this week I was fully booked. Had to put three clients on hold till next week. That means that my blogging has been a bit scanty - maybe if I post a small one everyday I will get back into the swing of things.

I have so much I really do want to blog about. Got all my weirdy news to tell you about, quotes from Pagan Dawn and insights into being a Witchy Woman. Samhain is coming up (Halloween) and I want to do it in style this year. Last year I had my naming ceremony and initiation into the witchletts coven. That was lovely but this year my witchletts are not doing anything - one is in America and the other cant get a sitter, so I am a bit stuck. I will end up doing a solitary ritual I expect and waiting to pounce on any trick or treaters in full regalia - tends to scare them somewhat.

I want to write a few more little quickies full of wit and insight (ho ho ho - not that I take myself seriously at all) and just generally get back into stuff. Plus I have the meme about music - Bobo has tagged me to write about my musical taste. In starting the think about it I realise with horror that I AM STUCK IN A TIME WARP! Its going to be humiliating.

Its the rugby tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it! Going to cook a creamy chicken curry - marinated with almonds and cream, and have the bubbly chilling. Even if they lose we can toast the exceptional performance.

I so need a party!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I passed!!!!!

I passed my exam on Saturday. Not with the flying colours I had hoped for, but I did get 90% which isn't bad. (Not that there is any 'Be Perfect' behaviour going on, oh no no no). But I do tend to focus on the 10% that I dropped as opposed to the 90% I gained.

So to rectify that I am going to celebrate - I passed, I got 90%, I did really well - I took a complex piece of work to exam; No easy peasy counselling skills for me. it was tough, deep and intuitive work and I was bloody brilliant. Pats on my back - champagne all round.

I am now - Queen Vixen Dip Couns with a BACP Accreditation pending. Woo hoo!!!!!

In 18 months I will be Queen Vixen MSc, CTA, Dip Couns and UKCP Accredited.

(Not that there is any hint of an Almost Type II Script in that little statement - oh no no no).

I am so guilty of striving for the next mountain peak so I am going to stop here for a while - on the summit of my Post Graduate Clinical Diploma and breathe in the air of success.

Well done me!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I am the High Priestess

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Book Tag administered by L-Q-S

L-q-s has tagged me to write about my books. L-q-s is a woman for whom I have the utmost respect and who writes a fabulous blog - go check it out! She is on my Blog Roll.

So here are the answers to her questions:

TOTAL NUMBER OF BOOKS: Well I have owned thousands in my time. However, storage is always the problem. I came from a family who love books - we did not have a telly for ages and we all became avid readers. My current family don't read at all, I am the only book worm so its my books that have to be accommodated, therefore I run a tight ship on what books get displayed in the book cases - of which I have two. I have one in my bedroom - mine, all mine which must hold - ermmm let me have a quick look, 200 and one in my therapy room which has about 50 in it. I also have a pile of about ten current ones on my bedside table. I operate an efficient rotation system so books will go into storage - there are books in the garage and in the attic.

LAST BOOK READ: Now this is a moot point! I always have about 5 on the go - so its hard to pin down the one that was last read. I think if we are talking cover to cover all the way through in one go then it was Kate West: The Real Witches Handbook, I devoured this on holiday - super beach reading material. However before that it was Starhawk: The Spiral Dance, more witchy themes but less of a 101 approach.

LAST BOOK BOUGHT: I bought 4 books last time I had a spree. I am reading them all simultaneously;

The Gift of Therapy: Irvin D Yalom
Advanced Witchcraft: Edain McCoy
My Voice Will Go With You: Milton Erikson
Emotional Intelligence: Daniel Goleman

I also purchased a DSMIV for my practice. Bit of a yawn but it looks professional.

5 MEANINGFUL BOOKS: Oooh what a question! There have been so many, and as I write i am aware of how sketchy I am being. I think its the cold, its hard to be inspirational when snuffling into Olbas Vapour Release tissues, but here goes.

Women that Run with the Wolves: Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Get this book! I have read and re read this book! It analyses fairy tales, and folk tales to see what the message is for women, primarily, but also for men that wish to connect to their 'Wild Nature'. It is an emotionally powerful book, and explores the way that the dried out dead nature of women, dulled by too much constraint and duty can be sung back into life. It shows how our nature needs to become wolf like and alive. In the following passage, it is La Loba - the eternal spirit of the soul of women that does the singing.

"And when she is sure, she stand above the creature, raises her arms over it and sings out. That is when the rib bones and leg bones of the wolf begin to flesh out and the creature becomes furred. la Loba sings some more, and more of the creature comes into being; its tail curls upward, shaggy and strong.
And La Loba sings more and the wolf creature begins to breathe.
And still la Loba sings so deeply that the floor of the desert shakes, and as she sings, the wolf opens its eyes, leaps up, and runs away down the canyon.

Somewhere in the running, whether by the speed of its running, or by splashing its way into a river, or by way of a ray of sunlight or moonlight hitting it right in the side, the work is suddenly transformed into a laughing woman who runs free toward the horizon."

Any woman who has raised children, and done what society and family expected of her and has fought for her life will know what this means. It gets me every time!

Lord of the Rings: JRR Tolkien

THE book of the 20th Century. Pulls up all kinds of symbolic stuff and metaphor that is buried in race memory. Archetypal story of good and evil. Profound! What would we pagans do without it. Half our ritual names and moot labels would disappear for start off!

I mentioned Ludo and the Star Horse by Mary Stewart in another tag post so I wont do that again. But that one is incredibly meaningful for me.

Hedgewitch: Rae Beth

The first real witchy book I read. I used to try and contain my interest in alternative spirituality. After all Witchcraft is condemned in the Bible (in fact what gets practiced today in modern Wicca is a million miles away from the biblical definition which involves the making of medicinal remedies and consulting with the dead - a clairvoyant GP is probably as near as you can get to the biblical definition). So for years I sneaked around and did nothing about my very obvious leanings, and the inner drive towards discovering who I was. This book was the first mainstream volume that got bought for me as a Christmas present. It was my 'come out of the broom closet' book and therefore significant.

The Bible: God

Has been ever present in my life. I was born into a deeply religious family and I used to know most of it off by heart - can still quote a lot from memory. Majorly influential. The most amazing literary phenomenon and I still believe it is a revelation of divine concepts. I think it is not as literally true as the fundamentalists would have us believe but it contains profound truth, and prophecy.

Lords and Ladies: Terry Pratchett

Had to give old Tel a mention. This one is my particular favourite but they all have merit. Witty, clever, sharp - great fun, and in fact something I need to read again. I have got rather bogged down with 'worthy' volumes and a bit of Discworld frivolity would do me good!

(Celestine Prophecy of course - James Redfield, I know I have now quoted 7 but this one has to get a mention - it sort of changed my life, its an enzyme, not quite sure how it does it but it continues to change people).

So there you have it, the best I can manage with such a cold. Sorry for having no hyperlinks but I just feel too damn poorly to be fiddling about copying and pasting. I need to lie down!

I am a poorly Queenie

Hello everyone. I am sitting up in bed and tapping away at my lap top, I have a really bad cold. I am tempted to refer to it as flu - or man flu even, it feels worse than a cold and not as bad as flu. I have hurty ears and throat, a blocked up nose, I ache all over and am having sweats and shivers.

I rarely get a cold - too many curries! But this one has come out of nowhere and when that happens I tend to look for the emotional causes. I get colds when I let something go - and the big candidates (culprits) at the moment are the exam stuff (its far too late to worry about it now) and the diet stuff! My hunch is the diet stuff. I have been dieting since I was 14 and for the first time I am free of it. As reported I am feeling no urge to sneak a treat, or over eat - I am planning and enjoying modest healthy meals and I was (until the lurgy struck) running everyday.

So what does my body decide to do? - get sick! That puts a stop to the running, it means cooking and good food husbandry takes a back seat (actual husband having to do the food which usually means take aways and pizza) and it bungs me up with lemsip and the like. Sooooo a Type 3 somatic impasse! Oh no no Queenie, we cannot have you give up on feeling bad about yourself, your body and the very thing that allows existence. All the family diet - food is a problem, your father has struggled with his weight all his life, so did his family, you cannot break ranks now, you have to carry on (whisper whisper of the nasty little subconscious messages) Well up yours! No, I have had enough and don't need to buy into this rubbish. You can throw as many colds as you like at me and I shant give in. I will be running as soon as the sniffles have passed and actually i am not eating a thing to help my immune system (nar nar ne nar nah).

So those are my thoughts on the bolt from the blue cold - of course if it is the exam stuff then it could be a Type 2 impasse surrounding the 'don't succeed' injunction laid down by generations of losers, wasters and lazy sods who lie in bed all day and bemoan their fate, or the equally scary ranks of po faced women who surrender their power to care for their husbands and work hard in the church, opting for poverty AND chastity (only the rare woman in my family has the curse - ie high sex drive, yep it was me this time around). So another finger elevated in the direction of the family script. You wont stop me passing that exam so put it in your pipe and smoke it, and go get a. a job b. a damn good s**g

So there you have it, as you can see I am still revising! lol May do the book meme next. I have time on my hands!

PS For the first time ever I am enjoying being ill. Shhh don't tell anyone. I have slept and snuggled in bed all day. Its been ace. Apart from the self employed implications its been super being warm, cosy and plied with echhinachia (spelt incorrectly) tea.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Another Quickie

Hello all you lovely bloggers. I have 15 mins before the rugby so am squeezing in a quick post. Wasn't the match great yesterday? There I was, anticipating defeat and England pulled it out of the bag - or scrum I should say. I am rather fond of rugby, I like the way it utilises men of all different shapes and sizes. The skinny whippet like chaps as well as the huge beasts of men. All work together in a real mans game; blooded, bruised and sweating. Its rather primitive but who cares, helps the ironing to pass with relative ease.

Talking about different shapes and sizes. I have stopped dieting FOREVER! I realised what a farce it was for me. What a performance! The same old pattern of setting myself up with unobtainable goals, a massive parent structure for me to rebel against (spectacularly) and bloody expensive. So after spending my last £10 on a syn calculator and parting with £4.50 to be told I had only lost half a pound I decided enough is enough.

Truth be told I was feeling something of a hypocrite. I rabbit on about the evils of Size Zero and celebrating real women's shapes and there I was eating fat free yogurt (an evil brew) and almost weeping at the thought of denying myself fish and chips. So I have kicked it out and its never going to return. Instead I am going to make big grown up adult choices to eat healthily and exercise sensibly. Hey presto! Does not take a brain surgeon eh? I know how to eat a healthy diet, I know that I feel better when I am running regularly - I know that drinking is best reserved for a Saturday night when I can feel sluggish without guilt the next day.

So how do I feel? Great! No more being deprived, feeling cheated, feeling starved and sneaking stuff into my mouth when I think no one is looking. Since I started being a grown up about it and celebrating my body - (which is actually awesome, narcissistic confidence maybe but I have been told so too) - I have lost 3lbs. Wey hey! All I have done is decide to chew really slowly and eat smaller portions with lots of fresh fruit and veg. I can have treats but only bits of them, so I get the taste and not the damage. I am all of a sudden TAKING RESPONSIBILITY instead of setting up some crap unobtainable target so that I can feel a failure all the time. I do intend to be under 11 stone at the blog party - just by being sensible, I am tall so can carry it off. My ultimate target is 10 stone 5 - really do-able, and I shall buy myself shoes and stuff along the way. Alternative treats that last!

The matrix leather coat remains the ultimate reward, but I shall allow myself the discreet tattoo before that. Oh and the new shoes, boots and the joy of having my colours done! If this seems a bit indulgent then I must explain that two things were missing in my childhood. Food (Dad ate it all, or we had none - long story) and clothes (charity shops and hand me downs all the way). So if my kid has grown up at last with regard to food then maybe she can still have a fling with the clothes, accessories and pretty, girlie things.

OK, so its about to start - just going to have a dish of pineapple, grapes and mango. Mmmmmm good food for a goddess body, good health and the reward of those gorgeous little high heels!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Not last weekend but the weekend before I went to Glastonbury. It was wonderful to spend some time in that magical place; to attach to the legends of Avalon.

I did some real shopping. I am not one for shopping usually. I tend to buy all that I can on the Internet and only go round actual shops when I have to. Glastonbury is different, the energy of the place is different, the shops are not high street clones but real shops. The sort of shops there used to be; the kind that you almost expect to 'up and fly' to somewhere else while you are browsing round the shelves, or to have a secret portal in the changing room. I had a whale of a time. I bought a new dress, lot of books and bits! In fact I am going to return before Yule to do some more shopping, this time for friends.

I just love StarChild. I love the smell - it is jam packed with resins and incense, candles and the most exquisite goddess figurines. They have tree essences and herbal smokes, big bell jars full of potions, remedies and proper old fashioned herbs in wooden drawers. It is a delight.

I also tried the Speaking Tree - which came highly recommended by Exmoor Jane. Well! Heaven or what! The place groans under the weight of esoteric and spiritual books,stacked as high as the ceiling, all reasonably priced and offering a galaxy of undiscovered worlds.

Green Man and Goddess was up to its usual standard as was the Magick Box and I was a very happy wierdy woman by the end of the trip. Glastonbury is the place to be a woman. There were women everywhere and it felt good. Now as you know, dear readers, I like my men - but there was something amazing about being in Avalon, a place where Goddess is revered and very much alive.

I went to the Goddess Temple, it sounds very grand - in reality it is a small upper storey room, modestly furnished but it is a place of very real femininity and in that is real power. The walls are adorned with art that represents female beauty - real women, not stick thin poor wasting waifs adapting to the expectations of the fashion industry, but big women with bellies and breasts. Young women, old women, all shapes and sizes and colours. It is a truly wonderful place to be. At the one end there is the altar to the Goddess and those that choose to spend time in that place do so in silence, with respect.

It is tranquil - serene - liberating. No men to tell us what we should be doing or thinking, no great male God telling us our bodies are sinful and we are the devil incarnate, no one interpreting or reframing anything! It is a place to be; without any external trappings. I went in twice. Both times, once I had sat down in that space, I needed to cry. I could feel the deep primal wounding rising uncontrollably - the wounding of constraint and control - but here it had no power and in that space I wanted to sob and sob until all the tears were shed. Then to be at peace, in that female place. No sin, no judgement, no pressure. It was beautiful and peaceful.

I mused on how I wished the old stories of Avalon were true. I wanted to know it was all real, historical, scientific fact; The mystic isle that was the centre of Goddess worship, that slipped out of synch with reality when the Christians came and disappeared into the mists. I so wanted it to be fact, to know that the priestesses had once wound their way up the Tor in ritual, or that the Lady of the Lake did indeed part the mists with the ancient incantations. Then it struck me, if the historical facts did not bear this out then the collective attachment to the legend of all those that passed through this beloved place made it real - in the imagination, on the astral plane - call it what you will. The legend, the place - was an archetype for the reality, the symbolic representation of a Goddess place, a place where women were not enslaved. I breathed a deep sigh and fell still - content.

Every woman needs to visit - and celebrate!

PS: I am really pushed for time, with my exam coming up - I am so appreciating all your comments, and I will be reading and commenting on all your blogs soon. Hugs.